There is probably more written and spoken about
relationships than any other subject. For
24 years I’ve been listening to people complain about other people and helping
them resolve their issues by taking personal responsibility for their part in
what is going on. When we have
difficulty dealing with someone, whether they are business or personal, it can
seem to make other areas of our lives difficult also. It is the ol’ ‘why can’t they see it my way’
or if they would just go away my life would be perfect’ or ‘if they would just
do what I say, my life would be perfect’
that truly creates unhappiness for us.
So far in my experience, it just doesn’t seem to work out
that way. People do not always do what
we want them to do or say what we want them to say or see it from my
perspective. It makes life seem
challenging sometimes. So the more skill
we have in managing ourselves and others, the less challenging it will be. Here are some ideas to help make things go a
little easier.
Relationship Paradigms:
1. All
(and I do mean all) relationships will become turbulent off and on, as people’s
needs and wants change. We all have a
threshold we reach where we need a major change. It will cause turbulence in people,
organizations and relationships.
2. People
are dynamic. They change. A mechanical engineer can figure out how to
make a machine work. People are harder to figure out. There are plenty of models available to help
people figure out people but it is easier to bet on what horse will win than
what a person will do in a given situation.
We can get to know someone and then they’ll surprise us by doing
something different. What was ok at one
point now becomes not ok. People do
change and they handle stress differently.
3. How
we handle stress will determine how we handle relationships. How skilled we are will determine how we are
able to handle the ups and downs of dealing with people.
Two Scenarios:
1. Person
A has been in a monogamous relationship for more than one year. She/he makes decisions and commitments
without discussing it with the other person.
Whenever the other person wants to do something with a friend or family,
the person gets jealous and makes an issue of it, feels slighted and
unloved. She/he sits around and wonders
if the other person is doing things behind their back. Whenever there is an argument, it descends
into name calling. Overtime there is a
buildup of resentment and anger. She/he
doesn’t address issues at the time but lets them fester until a threshold is
reach and then brings up every issue and transgression over a period of
time. This creates confusion with their
partner because their partner thinks that everything is ok. Then the partner is
blind-sided with a litany of wrong doing.
(This is what Eric Bern called “Stamp Collecting). Person A is needy and constantly needs to
have validation that everything is ok.
They dream of the future and how it is going to be when they are married
with a perfect life while ignoring the problems in the present. Because once they are married all of their
problems will go away. They aren’t
really sure what boundaries are. They insist that something be done about
righting a violated boundary and move boundaries when convenient. They don’t speak about boundaries because
they want to be loved. They have no problem ignoring the other person’s
boundaries. They become offended and blame the other person for problems. They
decide what is good for the other person and gives the other person what Person
A thinks their partner wants and needs without asking.
2. Person
B has also been in a monogamous relationship for more than one year. She/he brings up topics of conversation on a
consistent basis. She/he often talks about what goes on during the day when
they are apart to stay connected. She/he
never engages in name calling but rather addresses issues on a behavioral level
and avoids using identity phrases when talking about something they do not like
in the other person’s behavior. When
faced with conflicts, they talk about their opinions in an open manner. She/he looks at the other side of the
conflict with an open mind from the other person’s point of view. They find the humor in many situations and
work together to find solutions to problems.
She/he spends time in the present and enjoys the company and everyday
activities as a couple. She/he doesn’t
think about the future and won’t until both of them are ready to take another
step. She/he is not afraid to ask for
what they want and is ok if they don’t get it.
They look at the relationship as an ongoing process. They deal with ups and downs as part of that
process and take each thing as it comes.
They are encouraging and supportive of the other person’s needs and
wants. They know that they other person
has interests outside of the relationship and support that person pursuing them
because it is good for the relationship as well as the person. They are flexible and open when plans
change. They also occasionally do things
with their partner that they aren’t interested because it is important to their
partner. They have clear stated
boundaries and will talk about any violations immediately. They aren’t thinking
about marriage. They are working on the
relationship in the present. When there are problems, she/he looks to
themselves and how they might be contributing.
Who do you think is happier?
Who do you think will continue to grow their relationship?
The Keys:
1. Perceptual
positions: to me the biggest enhancer of good relationships. See the other person’s point of view without
prejudice. See the whole situation from
detached observer point of view.
2. Have
clear external and internal energetic boundaries. Verbalize those boundaries and gently remind
the other person if they are violated.
3. Own
your own feelings and your part in a problem.
Being honest with yourself.
4. Communicate
to stay connected. Share day to day
events with your partner. Allow a two
way conversation. Conversation should
have balance like a tennis match.
5. From
my dad: give the person freedom to be and do what interests them. You may have thing you enjoy in common. Having interests outside of a marriage or
relationship keeps people engaged and engagable.
6. Support
the other person’s interests.
7. Live
in the present. I’ve seen too many
relationships end because one or both persons were thinking about what it was
going to be like in the future and where it was going rather than making
deposits for that future in the present.
We only have today. It is good to
have goals for ourselves and short term goals for the relationship, i.e. a
trip. When we live in the future, we
aren’t paying attention to what is going on in the present and we miss evidence
which might lead us to different decisions.
8. Compromise
and compassion.
9. Be
present and listen.
NLP
offers some of the best relationship tools I’ve ever come across. Being Person B takes skill and practice if
you don’t already do those things. Happiness is not an accident. It takes awareness and good decision making
and skills. Good relationships start
with having a good relationship with yourself.
Only then can a person be happy and satisfied in relationships.
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