Showing posts with label NLP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NLP. Show all posts

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Keys to Successful Relationships


There is probably more written and spoken about relationships than any other subject.  For 24 years I’ve been listening to people complain about other people and helping them resolve their issues by taking personal responsibility for their part in what is going on.  When we have difficulty dealing with someone, whether they are business or personal, it can seem to make other areas of our lives difficult also.  It is the ol’ ‘why can’t they see it my way’ or if they would just go away my life would be perfect’ or ‘if they would just do what I say, my life would be perfect’  that truly creates unhappiness for us.

So far in my experience, it just doesn’t seem to work out that way.  People do not always do what we want them to do or say what we want them to say or see it from my perspective.  It makes life seem challenging sometimes.  So the more skill we have in managing ourselves and others, the less challenging it will be.  Here are some ideas to help make things go a little easier.

Relationship Paradigms:

1.       All (and I do mean all) relationships will become turbulent off and on, as people’s needs and wants change.  We all have a threshold we reach where we need a major change.  It will cause turbulence in people, organizations and relationships.

2.       People are dynamic.  They change.  A mechanical engineer can figure out how to make a machine work. People are harder to figure out.  There are plenty of models available to help people figure out people but it is easier to bet on what horse will win than what a person will do in a given situation.  We can get to know someone and then they’ll surprise us by doing something different.  What was ok at one point now becomes not ok.  People do change and they handle stress differently. 

3.       How we handle stress will determine how we handle relationships.  How skilled we are will determine how we are able to handle the ups and downs of dealing with people.

Two Scenarios:

1.       Person A has been in a monogamous relationship for more than one year.  She/he makes decisions and commitments without discussing it with the other person.  Whenever the other person wants to do something with a friend or family, the person gets jealous and makes an issue of it, feels slighted and unloved.  She/he sits around and wonders if the other person is doing things behind their back.  Whenever there is an argument, it descends into name calling.  Overtime there is a buildup of resentment and anger.  She/he doesn’t address issues at the time but lets them fester until a threshold is reach and then brings up every issue and transgression over a period of time.  This creates confusion with their partner because their partner thinks that everything is ok. Then the partner is blind-sided with a litany of wrong doing.  (This is what Eric Bern called “Stamp Collecting).  Person A is needy and constantly needs to have validation that everything is ok.  They dream of the future and how it is going to be when they are married with a perfect life while ignoring the problems in the present.  Because once they are married all of their problems will go away.   They aren’t really sure what boundaries are. They insist that something be done about righting a violated boundary and move boundaries when convenient.  They don’t speak about boundaries because they want to be loved. They have no problem ignoring the other person’s boundaries. They become offended and blame the other person for problems. They decide what is good for the other person and gives the other person what Person A thinks their partner wants and needs without asking.

2.       Person B has also been in a monogamous relationship for more than one year.  She/he brings up topics of conversation on a consistent basis. She/he often talks about what goes on during the day when they are apart to stay connected.  She/he never engages in name calling but rather addresses issues on a behavioral level and avoids using identity phrases when talking about something they do not like in the other person’s behavior.  When faced with conflicts, they talk about their opinions in an open manner.  She/he looks at the other side of the conflict with an open mind from the other person’s point of view.  They find the humor in many situations and work together to find solutions to problems.  She/he spends time in the present and enjoys the company and everyday activities as a couple.  She/he doesn’t think about the future and won’t until both of them are ready to take another step.  She/he is not afraid to ask for what they want and is ok if they don’t get it.  They look at the relationship as an ongoing process.  They deal with ups and downs as part of that process and take each thing as it comes.  They are encouraging and supportive of the other person’s needs and wants.   They know that they other person has interests outside of the relationship and support that person pursuing them because it is good for the relationship as well as the person.   They are flexible and open when plans change.  They also occasionally do things with their partner that they aren’t interested because it is important to their partner.  They have clear stated boundaries and will talk about any violations immediately. They aren’t thinking about marriage.  They are working on the relationship in the present. When there are problems, she/he looks to themselves and how they might be contributing.

Who do you think is happier?  Who do you think will continue to grow their relationship?

The Keys:

1.       Perceptual positions: to me the biggest enhancer of good relationships.  See the other person’s point of view without prejudice.  See the whole situation from detached observer point of view.

2.       Have clear external and internal energetic boundaries.  Verbalize those boundaries and gently remind the other person if they are violated.

3.       Own your own feelings and your part in a problem.  Being honest with yourself.

4.       Communicate to stay connected.  Share day to day events with your partner.  Allow a two way conversation.  Conversation should have balance like a tennis match.

5.       From my dad: give the person freedom to be and do what interests them.  You may have thing you enjoy in common.  Having interests outside of a marriage or relationship keeps people engaged and engagable.

6.       Support the other person’s interests.

7.       Live in the present.  I’ve seen too many relationships end because one or both persons were thinking about what it was going to be like in the future and where it was going rather than making deposits for that future in the present.  We only have today.  It is good to have goals for ourselves and short term goals for the relationship, i.e. a trip.  When we live in the future, we aren’t paying attention to what is going on in the present and we miss evidence which might lead us to different decisions.

8.       Compromise and compassion.

9.       Be present and listen.

 

NLP offers some of the best relationship tools I’ve ever come across.  Being Person B takes skill and practice if you don’t already do those things.  Happiness is not an accident.  It takes awareness and good decision making and skills.  Good relationships start with having a good relationship with yourself.  Only then can a person be happy and satisfied in relationships.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


 
Achieving New Year’s Resolutions are easy if you know the secret.
 
Not everyone sets New Year’s resolutions. And even if you did, by now, you have probably given up on them.  I think it is because after setting so many of them and not achieving them, they come to the conclusion that:
1.     They cannot achieve them – it’s impossible
2.     They really don’t want to achieve them – it would be nice but the pain of achieving them far outstrips the pleasure of having the success
3.     It takes too much energy
4.     They are too busy with other things after the first of the year
5.     They set too many of them and get lost and confused about what they should tackle first and give up on all of them
This article addresses two aspects of achieving New Year’s resolutions:
1.     How to set them so that you’ll achieve them
2.     What to do when you cannot seem to get motivated to even set them or make a change.
Part 1:
The New Year is a traditional time to set goals and make changes.   Many of those changes involve stopping habits or starting habits or changing them.  For example:
1.     Start an exercise program; increase exercise
2.     Eat healthy food: involves usually stopping eating high fat, low nutrition food, start eating low fat nutritional foods
3.     Be a better parent
4.     Lose weight – slim down
5.     Spend more time with family
6.     Take more time off
7.     Work more
8.     Smile more; laugh more
9.     And a myriad of other ideas that are gone by February
Let’s explore the nature of resolutions versus goals.  Goals are measureable and time specific.  They are tangible.  Often resolutions have tangible results but are not specified and therefore, are not connected to anything tangible or of value.  It is easy to set goals:
1.     Make $250,000 by Dec. 2013
2.     Take a vacation to France for July vacation
3.     Learn to fly a plane and have logged _____flight hours by June 2013
4.     Add 20 new customers by August 2013 while maintaining present customer base.  Or have a customer base of 350 customers by May 2013.
Understanding the difference between goals and resolutions will help you be more successful at both.  Consider the difference between a resolution passed by Congress and a bill signed into law.  A resolution is often a statement of opinion or expression of public policy.  It is not a law.  A law is something that must be followed.  This is what happens with our own personal resolutions.  They become a matter of ‘this would be nice’ rather than a goal which is ‘what I am going to achieve.’  So we put more thought into a goal and set resolutions, which you might as well start with “In my opinion….. I want to lose weight.  Understand the difference?

Part 2:

Here is a way to make those resolutions goals and very achievable.
1.      Decide what your year theme is going to be.  i.e. self improvement, save money, pay off debt, physical health improvement, housing improvement, job improvement
2.      Then set goals:
a.      Specifically what do you want, how much, how often, etc.?
b.      What will it do for you? – attach it to a value – peace, security, recognition, health, love, wisdom, spiritual connection
c.      What will it be like when you get it – see, hear, and feel?
d.      What are the downsides to having it?
e.      What will you gain?
f.       Is it worthwhile and ok if I get it; Do I deserve it?
g.      What do I have and need that will help me get it?
h.      What are three action steps I will take to get it?
3.      Now set resolutions – set two or three – no more – and have them coincide with your year theme.
4.      Repeat the steps for goals.
When you set resolutions, use the same process as goals setting – make sure that it is something you REALLY want, will commit to, connected to something you value, and demonstrated in see, hear, feel.  People fail to realize that resolutions are experiences.  In other words, you want a particular experience in your life – more love, better communication, be healthier.  These are not always measurable by standard means.  Therefore, use the Achievable Outcome process, which is excellent for both goals and experience. 
For example: Here is how you might answer the questions from above:
I want to have and set better boundaries this year.  (This is too vague)
I will be happier and more peaceful when I do this
I will see myself smile when I say ‘no’ to something I do not want to do, or I will act clear and decisively, take responsibility for my own feelings……etc.   I will hear myself say, “Yes!  I was clear and was understood.”  I feel good about myself and safe.
The downside is that I may lose a friend or upset someone
The upside is that I will feel confident and free and get more of what I want in life
It is worthwhile for my mental and emotional health
I have the ability to say no.  I need help getting the guts to say it.  I need confidence in myself
What I will do is:
a.    Read a book on boundaries
b.    Take a class or work with a professional on boundaries
c.      I will talk to a person I have problems with to help them understand the changes I am wanting to make
Now the mind, your great manifestation tool, has specifics it can work with.  DETAILS are the difference between success and failure in any endeavor.
Setting resolutions and achieving them are as easy setting goals.  Use the above set of questions for both.  Set a few or one resolution(s) that you can COMMIT to.  Have a great year!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

What People Might Not Know About Grief

This article is about any loss. Lately several of my friends have lost pets; a few have lost jobs. Some of you remember the article I wrote in 2009 about the complicated relationship with my mother. The reason I would even talk about this in a public forum is because I, as an NLP Trainer, encourage my clients to heal the relationships they have with their family members, if at all possible. Because for me, success equals balance, having out-of-balance relationships may not support us getting what we want in other areas of our lives. NLP is a methodology of communication. Integration of the model is to be able to use it anywhere with anyone because an elegant communicator is who you are not what you do.

In December, my mother passed away after a 5 year decline with Alzheimer’s. It was a difficult time for our family. Today, I still think I should call her at those times when I would always call her. I did not realize that it would leave such a hole in my life. I know of many of my close friends have lost parents. They seem to live through it and move on. I am finding out for many the loss of a parent represents a significant loss some may never really heal.
I have discovered as I have gone though my own research and grieving process some things some of you might find helpful:

1. Grief is an emotion associated with loss. This means any loss: job, person, pet, situation in life, possessions.

2. Grief is not something that follows a set of steps as put forth by Elisabeth Kϋbler Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, in 1969. Although people may go through the stages identified by her, people react differently to the loss of someone or something.

3. From an NLP perspective, grief has a very specific structure. It is a dissociated internal picture one holds inside their head. The person pictures themselves with that which is lost and they cannot have it/them anymore. The internal picture may also be foggy, veiled, dark, or misty and defocused. Example: we see ourselves with the deceased person (dissociated). Picture may be blurred, dark with little color. (This may not be exactly the same for each person.)


4. When grief is resolved, the internal picture becomes associated with the person picturing that which was lost by itself/themselves. People feel the lost person or thing as present, as if they are always with them. People typically recall the lost person as happy and healthy and remember the great characteristics of this person. Think of someone or something for which you used to grieve but now feel their presence. What internal picture do you bring up most often? Notice the quality of the picture. Usually it is a picture of the person by themselves and the picture brings with it good feelings as if the person were still there. Example: we remember the person as healthy and happy and associated as if they are with us.

5. Grief is not something to take lightly and disregard as unnecessary. Lengthy unresolved grief (felt or not) can lead to emotional and physical problems.

6. The length of grieving time is not important. What is important that a person gives themselves sufficient time to work through the loss and feel the person’s presence.
7. Talk to someone who is professionally trained. It is worth the money and may significantly shorten downtime.

The above information I am familiar with because I have helped people resolve their grief issues for years. For one person it was their grandmother; another, it was the loss of their home country.
The following are things that I did not know. My dear friend Kathy Cameron Russell, a spiritual counselor, and her husband, Tim, an estate planning attorney have noticed some consistent characteristics in people who are grieving whether they are tearful or not.

1. When a parent of a large family dies, it is much more significant than what one would think regardless of the amount of input the deceased person had in family matters. The death of a parent is a major passing in one’s life and not to be taken lightly regardless of the nature of the relationship a person had with the deceased person

2. Grief is extended if there is no funeral or memorial service. The funeral is not for the deceased person; it if part of the healing process for the people left behind. (Note: Kathy said that we as individual family members would resolve our grief faster by having our own individual memorials. So far there has been no resolution for my mother’s passing.)

3. Grief shows up in many different forms. It not just crying and feeling sad. Some people make irrational decisions, become flighty, make impulse buys and spend a lot of money, become crabby and hard to get along with, withdraw, dissatisfied with some or all of their life or become argumentative or resentful.

4. Any change in our normal demeanor or an increase in intensity of emotional patterns: victimhood, intense feeling of unfairness, melancholy, an increase in isolation or getting immersed in activity to keep busy, health issues, being impatient are all signs of grief.

5. Kathy and Tim have watched families, especially large ones like the one I am in, make really stupid decisions about money and relationships during times of grief.

6. It is best not to make ANY big decisions for at least a YEAR after a major person in a family passes. (parent, sibling, child, spouse).

7. Have your parents (or you yourself) make plans ahead of time: leave a will, power of attorney, living will, etc. Let someone know where documents are. Leave in writing what is to be done with certain items in your house. A good probate, estate planning lawyer can help you with this.

8. Make plans for your funeral. No one in grief wants to decide about the particulars of the
memorial/funeral service. I know you will not be there but make it easier on the folks who are left. No one wants to deal with their own death but everyone will have to face it. Be responsible and take care of these things ahead of time as your last act of kindness

I know for myself, I began wanting to paint my house, inside and out, change my investments and even my investment advisor. I felt disconnected from the rest of my family and my significant other whose behaviors I started to find unacceptable. In other words, I was over threshold in many areas of my life. After my conversation with Kathy, I realized most of what was going on stemmed from the loss of my mother. So I decided to ride it out and sit still. So far it has been a good plan.

Bottom line: Avoid making any big money decisions right after a big loss or any big decision PERIOD. This includes vacations, trips, investments, clothing, household goods, cars, houses. Often, loss will create turbulence in a person’s life. Doing frantic activity will not make the turbulence stop. It only makes it worse. Then there is a danger that chaos will ensue. The best way to stabilize is to do nothing; leave things as they are. Continue your life as you always have. Later when your life has smoothed out and you can see life as better again, then look at the changes you think are appropriate.

See www.nlptrainingconcepts.com blog section for full details of article.
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Susan Stageman, M. A., President
NLP Training Concepts, LLC
susan@nlptrainingconcepts.com

Check out our website at www.nlptrainingconcepts.com. for schedules, locations, and other classes.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Are you ignoring clues to success?

When the practitioner students and I were up at Stony Ranch for the Ropes course in November, we witnessed an interesting phenomenon. Stony Ranch has numerous animals and birds: miniature horses, goats, guinea hens and one peacock. This story is about the guinea hens. Right before the barn there is a fenced field holding the horses. It is rather large field enclosed by an iron fence. The fence is 6 feet high except for the gate which is 4 feet high.

As it so happened that day, the group of guineas was gathered at the fence by the gate. Two of the guineas flew up over the top of the gate and landed inside the field. The rest of the guineas looked on. For the rest of our observation time, the remaining flock of the guineas saw the other two inside the field and tried to find a way to get inside the fence with the other hens by (get this, instead of easily flying over the shorter gate) running hurriedly along the 6 foot fence away from the gate and eventually turning the corner of the fence and traveling up the far side of the field along the fence. Of course, they were never going to find an opening in the fence so they were relegated to the outside of the field while their mates were inside the field. The hens’ behavior gave a new meaning to the phrase, ‘bird brain.’

The irony of the behavior of the guinea hens struck me immediately. People behave in very much this same way. The majority of people act like the majority of the guineas. They watch what a small minority do to be successful and then choose to do something different. They think that they can get the same outcome by doing it differently but end up with a life of difficulty and struggle. They watch as others get what they want but somehow foolishly think that what they are doing will work and ignore the clues to success.

Here are the points:
• If what you are doing up until now has not yielded your goals, you may not get there by doing the same thing as you are now.
• If you do not have a clear outcome, you will not get what you want. In fact, being disappointed in your life only means that you have some expectation that is not being met. So you do have outcomes, they are not well defined.
• If you continue to do more of what doesn’t work, you will continue to get the same results.
• Large goals are the progressive realization of smaller goals.
• You have to continually monitor your thoughts to keep them in the direction you want to go.
• NLP studies what highly successful and effective people do, regardless of career or situation. NLP studies patterns of behavior, communication and language, and learning strategies. Most people get caught up in content. It is the patterns that have the clues, not the content.
• If you want stellar success and you are not addicted to mediocrity, you have to study what success is and what successful people do. If it doesn’t come naturally, then you’ll have to study what works.
• Success is not random, nor is it luck. Successful people have beliefs and values that support their behaviors.
• Successful people are great modelers of other successful people. They use people as guides. It is a waste of time and resources to “reinvent the wheel.”
• Successful people are mindful and pay attention to the correlation between their thoughts, behaviors, and actions.
• Successful people are curious.
• Successful people are risk takers.
• Successful people do not generally care that others will think they are crazy or stupid. They do what they think will work.
• Most successful people are not arrogant. They have an inner self assurance and self confidence.
• Successful people are not afraid to fail because they look at failure as feedback.
• Successful people find the ways to make it work and don’t make excuses for why they cannot do/have something.
• Successful people don’t get stuck in the “it’s the way it is or it is the way I am.”
• Successful people do not consider spending money on their own development as a loss. They consider it an investment in their future.
• Successful people compete on value not price
• Successful people use things and value people; most people use people and value things.
• Successful people receive help gratefully along the way.
2012 is rapidly approaching. Remember that if you value something you’ll find a way to make it work. If not, you’ll find an excuse.

How to change your experience:
1. Get curious
2. Change what you spend money on
3. Invest in yourself and your knowledge and skill
4. Study successful models; Choose one
5. Get help and hire an expert guide to help you AND take their advice.
6. Be fearless and take calculated risks

My brilliant friend and coach, Steve Straus, once said, “I spent years doing an inadequate job with cheap tools. I found that when I invested in better engineered tools (that cost more money) that the job took half the time and I did a much better job.” There is a reason why something cost more. A tool is skill whether it be used to mow the lawn or sell a product or service or invest money. Spend the money on what will count to get stellar results. You’ll be a lot happier and get a lot more of what you want.

In the Treasure Board workshop on January 12th we’ll discuss the 3 peak principles of high achievers and how to set goals so that they will happen. Essential Mind Power Training (Jan. 20-22) (developed from 50 years of mind research) helps you develop the skills to use your mind to create the success you want while developing your intuition. NLP Level 1 teaches you the skills to expertly and successfully communicate with anyone. Leadership Practitioner teaches you the skills to get clear about what you want and get out of your own way. Mastery gives you the skills to manage every aspect of your life and communicate like the most persuasive and influential people in the world. Are you ready to leave the flock and fly with the eagles?

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

What is your behavior communicating?

Last night, I watched Masterpiece Contemporary. In one scene, a 22 year old daughter asks her dad what he thought of her artwork. Her father replied his truth…that her art demonstrated despair, (which, in my opinion it did.) Her father then said, “If this is coming from inside of you, you must feel this despair and this makes me, as your father, upset because you feel this way. If this isn’t how you feel inside, then you are a fake.” Then the daughter got angry at her father and told him to get away from her and leave her alone.

Point: I got to thinking how incongruent this was. Ask someone for their opinion, then get angry at what they said and reject the person. Hummm….if she didn’t want the truth and value her dad’s opinion enough to ask for it, then why did she ask? She got her answer. And it was the truth. She was feeling despair. I suppose blaming other person and getting angry was showing her desperation. This is a prime example of incongruent behavior. Consider your behavior as your own personal artwork. What is your artwork telling the world?
One of the presuppositions of NLP is “Behavior is the highest form of communication. “ Most people have experienced some form of someone telling us one thing and then doing another. It is the ol’ “You are talking so loud I can’t hear what you are saying.” “Practice what you preach.” The human mind is much more capable of understanding what it is seeing than what it is hearing.

There are two sides to consider when faced with incongruous behavior.
1. What do I do when someone is telling me one thing and doing another?
2. What is my behavior telling someone when I say one thing and then do another?
In either case you are dealing with incongruous behavior. Incongruous behavior undermines your business and your personal life.

Incongruent means incompatible with (what is suitable) or inappropriate. ….Containing disparate or discordant elements or parts. It basically means saying one thing and doing another or your mouth and body are doing two different things.

What others are communicating:
In business we deal with people everyday who are communicating with us. The most prized client is the one who tells us they are going to do something AND THEY DO IT! Generally speaking, these people have a high level of congruency. It is a high level of congruency that maintains their success. No one has to call them multiple times to get a response. They take responsibility to follow up without prodding. They are never too busy to make that call and let you know when something changes. People do not have to guess the answers to their own questions because they are upfront about where they stand while maintaining rapport. Regardless of the outcome, everyone feels good about the interaction.

When someone says they are going to do something, we have been taught that people keep their word and that what they are saying is the truth. When they fail to do what they say, then what do we believe, the communication or the behavior? The behavior. People’s true intentions are demonstrated through their behavior. As much as we want to believe people and give them the benefit of the doubt, the real communication is their behavior. I know that I have fallen for this in my 22 official years in business. I want to believe that people have the best intentions and when they tell me that they will do something and then don’t do it, for whatever reason, it starts to dismantle the trust in the relationship. Both sides start feeling bad. No one wants to maintain a relationship that makes us feel bad.

What you are communicating:
The flip side of this coin is what are you communicating? Are you congruent in your behavior? When you tell someone you will do something, do you follow through? In the many years of teaching NLP, I have found that the most congruent people are the ones who are most successful in business and their personal relationships.
Congruency means that you are doing what you are saying you are doing.

For example, as a profession:
When you help someone invest money, you also invest wisely. You save consistently and you maintain control over your finances. You pay your debts.
When you help someone get control of their physical well being and weight, you maintain a healthy physique and eat a balanced, healthy diet.
When you consul someone to help them with some problem, you get professional help when you yourself need it.
As a decorator, you home is beautiful and is the best representation of what you do to help others with their home.
(My own) As a trainer and educator, I keep up with my own growth and take training to improve my skills. I use NLP in my personal as well as business relationships. I know the presuppositions by rote and engage them when appropriate. I use the outcome frame consistently.
People do look for people to help them who are congruent. CONGRUENCY SETS UP TRUST. People who trust you will do business with you if it is appropriate for them. If people do not trust you, they will not do business with you.



In personal relationships:
Trust is extremely important in maintaining healthy relationships.
When you say you will call, you call.
When you say you will do something with your child, you do it. Putting off those appointments destroys child-parent trust. Then they may learn not to trust other adults.
When a person forms agreements with someone, they keep them. If they have to change it, they take responsibility to inform of changes and make another agreement.

Ignoring agreements and commitments makes a person highly incongruent. Incongruous behavior will not support success long term especially when agreements are ignored. They think they have gone away, but the energy of the incongruent behavior lingers like a cloud. If a person break agreements often enough, they are conning people. They are telling people what they want to hear but don’t follow up. They think they are getting away with something but eventually it catches up with them.

Incongruent behavior is tantamount to LYING. Lying becomes a habit. Liars do not prosper.

Here are some of the ways people create distrust and destroy their own success:
• Talk about family values as being prized while having an affair outside marriage.
• Tell someone you don’t want to get married and then dump them and marry someone else.
• Tell someone you don’t have the money for something and then spend a greater amount of money on something else.
• Treat strangers better than you do your own family.
• Form agreements, then ignore them.
• Don’t pay or ignore your debts.
• Say you will call, then forget to follow up.
• You are not accountable. Make a commitment, then don’t follow through.
• A minister or preacher who tells their parishioners how to live a Godly life, while doing the opposite.
• You ask for an opinion and then get mad when they don’t tell you what you want to hear.
• You join a group, then never attend.
• Don’t think that your personal life and business life are separate. They are in a system and affect each other. I talked to a banker who said that she and her husband treat each other like they would their customers. They have a great marriage and very successful businesses.
• Cheating the government is the same as cheating yourself. You may think it doesn’t matter but all cheating no matter how justified weakens the fabric you are made of.
The list goes on and on.

We are human beings and as such there are things we all have some incongruous behavior because none of us are perfect. There are simple things that we can do to be congruent develop and maintain trust in people. Trust builds mutually beneficial relationships.

• Always tell the truth. If you are not interested in someone personal or business, tell them. You’ll both feel better for it and you can save them the time and effort it takes to win you as a client. I think people lie to people because they want to avoid confrontation or think they are hurting someone. The far greater hurt is to string someone along.
• Ask for what you want and then be ok with what you get. If you ask for feedback and the feedback is not what you wanted to hear, don’t get upset and blame the other person. If you want feedback, be prepared to listen and accept it. After all, you are only asking for someone’s map.
• If you have money problems, hit it head on. Avoiding it will not make it go away. The sooner it is dealt with, the sooner you can move on with your life. I’ve known people who have paid off hundreds of thousands of dollars. It didn’t happen overnight, put contacting your creditors and making arrangements and following through with the arrangement is the best medicine for good mental and financial health.
• Instead of asking your husband if you look ok, which usually comes from not feeling 100% sure yourself, say, “I’m not feeling 100% with this outfit or my size (or whatever it is). Could you help me by giving me some feedback? I’m willing to listen to what you have to say.” AND THEN LISTEN AND BE OK. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.
• If someone is complaining to you, ask if they want you to help them solve it or just listen.
• If you are feeling resentment, figure out what you did to cause it. Resentment is usually caused by unmet expectations.
• Know yourself and be willing to look at the behavioral feedback you are getting. Do something if appropriate.
• Tell people up front what you expect. For years I would go into my hairdresser and think she is the expert and she would know best. Then I would be upset when I didn’t like what she did. Excuse me? You should be your own expert on you. Tell people what you want. You’ll have a higher probability of getting it. If you truly don’t know, then rely on their expertise and accept what they give you.
• Offer compliments when you mean them.
• Avoid making observations without some compliment. Saying, “Oh, you changed your hair” is not affirming to the other person. It is ambiguous, can be unsettling to the other person and may also cause the loss of rapport. Tell the person, “I like what you did to your hair or I like how your hair is done.” If you don’t like it, keep your mouth shut.
• Be authentic. If you try to hide your insecurities it comes off as insecure. If you are out of rapport with yourself, it will come off as incongruent.
• If you screw up, admit it.
• If you don’t know, say so.

Remember, a commitment is your word and you are only as good as you make it. A little extra time spent can make a big difference in building trust in relationships and a congruent life filled with satisfaction, success and great friends.

Monday, September 26, 2011

What We Really Need!

I recently heard a talk about passion and mission. The talk coupled the two concepts in a way that I had not considered before.

Passion makes what you are doing worthwhile. Passion is sustained with a connection to a mission. You need passion to sustain yourself through tough times (as well as good times).

A mission directs the passion to accomplish something; mission puts passion into action. The mission, however, is given life by an achievable outcome.

The outcome is given life through action steps.

Action steps create the process by which achievement is made.
Consider this. You can have a mission without passion. You can have a goal or outcome without a mission. You can have an outcome without action steps.

The four concepts work together to create a solid ideal for success at the highest level.
For me, passion, mission and action start with an Outcome. Without a clear outcome, the other positions are like a ship without a rudder.

So what is passion? Burning desire. It is an intense, lively, eager interest in or admiration for something or someone. It is a compelling emotion or desire for something. It generally implies a deeper or greater emotion. We can have passionate relationships, a passion for an activity, a cause or idea. Passion is like the gasoline or electricity that action and mission runs on. There is no mention of mission here. Passion is simply a feeling.

Mission is now often associated with the term “mission statement.” A mission statement is a statement of purpose. Organizations use mission statements to define what they are about. In a way a mission statement is about the values that an organization or person embraces or let’s say, the values of said is the fabric by which a mission is made. A mission can be an important assignment or the act of sending or state of being sent. For centuries, the word mission has been used in reference to sending someone out with an end in mind, negotiations, religious mission, military mission. Notice, no mention of passion.

An achievable outcome or in NLP, a well-formed outcome, is the direction or focus of the passion and the mission. An outcome is what we are going to see happen, hear and feel when we have achieved our goal or completed the mission. Passion is the glue that holds the outcome together in the process of achieving it. The mission is the overall statement of operation. It is the outcome or result that gives us the means of evaluation of whether we have accomplished it. An outcome can represent a final product or experience or consequence. In NLP it is the end in mind. Without a well formed outcome, mission may not be specific enough. An outcome frame can be a goal or experience. Goals are tangible and measurable. How do you measure an experience? How do you know you are loved? How do you know when communication happens? How do you know when you are being compassionate? These are all experiences that can be framed the outcome questions.

Critical Outcome questions:
What do you want? :States your end result in positive or affirmative language

What will that do for you? Connects your outcome to a greater value or purpose. Outcome or change for what purpose?

What will you see, hear and feel when you get what you want? :You have 3 primary senses. A change or goal must be in all three for them to be permanent. Simply using visualization will not insure that your goal is ecological or real.

Is it self-initiated and maintained? You can control your behavior, actions, feelings. An outcome or goal that involves someone else changing is not well-formed and usually difficult.
Is it realistic? What contexts do you want it in? Appropriate, achievable chunk size. If the goal or outcome is big. Chunk it down into smaller goals. What specific situations do you want this?

What stops you? Chances are this is something inside of you. Look to the inside. It is easier to change than something outside of you. Is it a behavior, belief, attitude, self-talk?

What is your first step? The very next step you can take in the direction to achieve your outcome.

The final concept is the action step. Outcomes do not happen by magic. (This is called ‘magical thinking’) Some action will be necessary to achieve you outcome. I generally have people create 3 steps for the outcome. More may be needed but 3 will get most outcomes underway. Action steps for selling after your outcome frame might be: 1. Learn your product and who buys it; 2. Develop list of prospective client; 3. Make calls and set appointments. You can divide these steps into smaller steps, etc.

So remember: the Outcome process is the hinge pin that holds passion, mission and action in place. Without a clear outcome, mission, passion and action have no direction and could even be a waste of time and energy. It is the outcome frame that creates direction, sharpens focus, makes it easier to communicate your mission and outcome to others, can include experience as well as goals.

I see many people in my coaching practice who are stuck because they simply do not have a clear outcome. They know what to do, they have the passion, they have the mission. No direction. One woman in my Level 1 right now does an outcome for each day. In one week, she has changed her life in the most positively miraculous way.

A couple of young architects quadrupled their business by do an outcome process before every proposal, every presentation.
Start with the end in mind. Practice on little things like a great lunch with someone or a great presentation. Teaching your mind to run the outcome frame on automatic will create more of what you want in ways you didn’t dream possible until now.

In closing, Amy Wrzesniewski, PhD, professor of management and organizational behavior at New York University examined how people whose jobs are typically "stigmatized" (low-level, menial positions) make meaning of their work.

People, she said, experience their work differently. Some see what they do for a living as just a job, others view it as a career and the rest think of it as a calling. Her research found that people who saw their job as a calling--one-third of the respondents--worked more hours, missed less work and reported higher life satisfaction than others doing similar work.

"You'd think that those who reported higher satisfaction," she said, "would have jobs associated with doing more interesting work. But when we looked closer, this was not so. These were all administrative assistants working in the same organization....It made you think: How can people doing the same work, sitting next to each other in the same organization, think so differently about their jobs?"

Dr. Wrzesniewski did a study of 300 hospital workers in Massachusetts. She found that when asked about what they did, the workers, who all took out trash, fell into three categories: a job, a career, a calling.

Jobs: no training, no control, no freedom, I cannot wait for the weekend, anyone can do
Career: I am on the way up; this is just a stepping-stone, I cannot wait for the weekend
Callings: Lots of training and expertise, lots of control and freedom, this is my mission in life; made it a calling, knew the names of the patients, made up parts of the job like changing pictures in the room. Those who saw their job as a calling, "talked about it in glowing terms, they liked what they did and described it as needing a lot of skill. They not only talked about cleaning public areas, but also about cleaning in such a way as to allow more effective running of their units...making it as smooth as possible for patients."

Those who saw their job as just a job, on their other hand, saw their work as being simple and involving no skills.
Her conclusion: People can actively shape the meaning of their work by "job crafting--devising more creative ways to do the work."
How would your passion, mission, outcomes and actions change if you looked at what you did as a CALLING?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Research in NLP

This is Steve Andreas' most recent blog! Excellent

Research in NLP by Steve Andreas

I am often asked whether there is any “hard science” academic research that supports NLP. There is some good news, and some bad news.
First the bad news…
(If you don’t like bad news, feel free to skip or skim this section.)
Most of the research directly on NLP concepts was done in the 1980s and 1990s; little or no research has been done directly on NLP in the last decade or so. The vast majority of studies that were done earlier addressed the concept of a primary representational system (PRS) — that people are primarily visual, auditory, or kinesthetic — or the impact of matching sensory predicates on rapport.

There’s a problem with this. Bandler and Grinder had introduced the idea of a PRS primarily as a teaching tool in the 1970s, to direct students’ attention to people’s sensory predicates and eye accessing. Soon after that, they pointed out that the idea of a PRS was a deliberate and gross oversimplification, only somewhat true in a particular problem context. Despite this, the bulk of research, supposedly “on NLP” at that time was done in an attempt to verify or disconfirm this concept.

As those of you with significant NLP Training will already know, whether or not people have a PRS is not in any way central to the field of NLP. We didn’t even mention it in our book Heart of the Mind (1989) introducing people to the field, because we didn’t consider it important or useful. PRS doesn’t really have anything to do with the effectiveness of the many methods that we have come to rely on in NLP to get results for people wanting change in their lives. When I sit down with someone to do a session, I can’t recall ever asking myself, “What is this person’s PRS?” It’s just not a useful question to ask.

t the same time, it is often useful to notice what sensory channel the client is using at the moment, or what sensory channel underlies the “problem.” For example it can be useful to notice that someone’s unpleasant feelings result from a critical inner voice, or to notice that many large and close movies of things to do leads to feeling overwhelmed.
Investigating Primary Representation System is a bit like Nasrudin looking for his lost car keys under the street lamp “because the light is better here,” even though he lost them somewhere else. PRS was perceived to be an “easy” thing to study, but the results of those studies don’t tell us anything about the field of NLP.

It’s also worth noting that the studies themselves were often full of research errors. The questionnaires used in an attempt to assess PRS often had confusing self-report questions like, “Do you see yourself as a feeling person,” or “Do you feel you are an auditory person?” As that kind of question clearly reveals, most experimenters were not trained in NLP, did not understand what they were researching, and did not use anyone trained in NLP as a consultant to review their experimental protocols. As a result, there was no control of the language used in the studies, nor control of nonverbal confounding variables such as gestures or voice tone.
For instance, when matching a subject’s visual predicate with a sentence like, “I see what you mean,” a higher-pitched voice, looking up, or a pointing gesture in the upper visual field will be congruent with visual processing, and be more likely to result in rapport. However, a lower-pitched voice, looking down, or a palm-up gesture in the lower visual field will be incongruent, and be less likely to lead to rapport. (Visual processing is typically accompanied by a high voice tone, looking up, and pointing gestures, while kinesthetic processing is often accompanied by a lower voice tone, looking down, and palm-up gesturing.)

As a result of these kinds of mistakes, most of the research was very poor quality. Not surprisingly, there is very little direct academic experimental support for NLP. A research committee working for the United States National Research Council in 1988 found little if any evidence to support NLP’s assumptions or to indicate that it was effective as a strategy for social influence. “It [NLP] assumes that by tracking another’s eye movements and language, an NLP trainer can shape the person’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions. There is no scientific support for these assumptions.”

To summarize, the research that has been done was on the wrong questions, by people who did not understand what they were trying to measure, ignoring linguistic and behavioral confounding variables, so of course the results were negative or inconclusive.

Although researching NLP is definitely doable, effective research in the field of NLP is a challenge for a number of reasons:
Psychological research costs quite a lot of money, which most NLPers do not have. Furthermore, if research is not done in a recognized academic institution, it is usually ignored, even if the double-blind controls and protocols are impeccable.

NLP’s focus on sensory process parameters makes it extremely hard to communicate with academics and mental health professionals, because it is so different from the typical psychiatric focus on content. For instance, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), a recognized therapy that is most similar to NLP (and which has the strongest experimental support) focuses entirely on the content of internal auditory dialogue — the words that people say to themselves. CBT ignores the volume of the internal voice, its location in personal space, its direction, its tonality, and tempo, etc. Usually changing these process parameters has a much greater impact on experience than changing the content, and it is much easier. This is something that I have explored in great detail in my e-book Help With Negative Self-talk.

Advocating rigorous research has not been easy or without resistance from within the field itself.

The original developers, and a number of others in the field — some of them widely respected — have explicitly said that NLP is inherently unverifiable by scientific research. One widely regarded leader in the field has even said that since NLP is about subjective experience, it is inherently untestable.

This ignores the fact that dreams — the most subjective experiences that most of us will ever have — have been researched scientifically for decades. A variety of new methods of brain scanning make it possible to do all sorts of experimental work on internal mental events, some of which are not even subjective experiences! For instance, brain scans have been used to detect when a decision is about to be made by a subject seven seconds before the subject becomes aware that they have made a decision.

The lack of unified support for securing research grants within the field of NLP has made it awkward to approach potential researchers. Even more of a problem in my view, many who “do NLP” have combined NLP with reflexology, remote viewing, crystal healing, aromatherapy, aura reading, and a host of other such new age methods. Most of these do not make specific claims that would be testable by the scientific method; associating NLP with them makes NLP appear to be only another get-rich-quick scam or even a cult.

Now for the good news…
All NLP processes include specific testable outcomes, detailed systematic protocols for different kinds of problems, and clear operational tests in sensory-based experience to determine when a client has reached their outcomes. In addition, many NLP processes can be completed in a single session of an hour or less. Because of this, NLP would be much easier to research than most therapies which are much less structured and usually take place during many sessions over a period of weeks or months. Scientific research needs to be done in order to confirm (or disconfirm) the various processes and understandings that are typically included in the term “NLP.”

A diverse group of dedicated NLP-trained people have joined together in establishing the NLP Research and Recognition Project in an effort to propose, develop, and support relevant research by academic institutions, with the goal of doing high-quality research that actually tests NLP principles and methods. This could do a great deal to establish the legitimacy of NLP methods, as well as advance the practice of psychotherapy generally. The director of the project, Frank Bourke, a clinical psychologist with a strong research background, has been a tireless advocate, working with those of us in the NLP community plus those in government organizations and universities, in efforts to establish studies. So far these efforts have come quite close to having funding for large scale studies several times. This is really quite a testament to Frank’s diligence and persistence, because it is not an easy thing to get through all the levels of “hoops” to gain this approval.

Although little or no research is currently being done directly on NLP processes, there is quite a lot of academic research that supports NLP indirectly. NLP methods and principles are being “rediscovered” in bits and pieces in a wide variety of research studies. Following are a few examples.

Treating PTSD and trauma using dissociation.
Sufferers who were asked to write about their traumatic memories in “third person” as if they were happening to someone else (“He was hit by a car and thrown 60 feet into a roadside ditch.”) recovered more quickly than a control group. Writing in third person requires viewing these events at a distance, as if they were happening to someone else, a way of creating dissociation.

In parallel research, Ayduk and Kross contrast two alternative ways of working through highly emotional experiences. A self-immersed perspective is one in which we try to remember the experience at the same time that we try to analyze it — for example, when we say to ourselves, ‘Why did that prejudiced comment get to me so much?’ By contrast, a self-distanced perspective analyzes the same experience as if you yourself were a third-party observer, a kind of fly on the wall — ‘Why did that prejudiced comment get to him so much?’ In both cases, you are trying to understand the emotions, but when you do this in the first person, the pull of the emotion can overwhelm understanding.

It seems amazing that a small change in the way one analyzes a painful experience (using s/he as opposed to I) can lead to such dramatic results, but the research on this is solid and clear. In one study, people who were prompted to recall a negative experience from a self-distanced perspective (why did s/he feel this way?) in the lab felt less distressed about the experience one week later compared to those who recalled a similarly negative experience from a self-immersed perspective (why did I feel this way?). In other studies, people who spontaneously self-distance have been shown to ruminate less about negative experiences and are less likely to be hostile when disagreements come up.

Timelines.
In research by Prof. Dov Shmotkin of Tel Aviv University Department of Psychology in Israel, “We discovered that overcoming trauma was related to how people organized the memory of their trauma on the larger time continuum of their life course.” In a study of Holocaust survivors, Prof. Shmotkin separated these survivors into those who considered the “Holocaust as past” and those who conceived of the “Holocaust as present.” Those in the ‘Holocaust as past” category were able to draw an effective line between the present day and the past trauma, thus allowing themselves to move forward. Those in the “Holocaust as present” category considered their traumatic experience as still existing, which indicated a difficulty in containing the trauma within a specific time limit.

Motivation, specific outcomes and behavioral change.
Recently the BPS Research Digest (well worth a free subscription) summarized a couple of recent studies done on changing behavior:
In rich countries, temptation is never far and many of us struggle to achieve our long-term aims of moderation, dedication and fidelity. An increasingly popular strategy for regaining control is to form so-called implementation intentions. Rather than having the vague goal to eat less or exercise more, you spell out when, where and how you will perform a given activity. For example, ‘When in the cafeteria at lunch I will buy orange juice rather than cola.’ A more specific variant is to form an ‘if-then’ plan, as in ‘If it is a Tuesday morning, then I will go for a run.’
Past research has found these plans to be successful, helping people to live more healthily.

There’s even evidence that they are particularly beneficial to those who have had their willpower compromised by brain damage or by taxing laboratory tasks. Two new studies add to this literature, one of them cautionary, the other more hopeful.
Sue Churchill and Donna Jessop studied 323 students tasked with eating more fruit and vegetables. They found that implementation intentions helped students achieve this task over a 7-day period, but only if they scored low on a measure of ‘urgency,’ as revealed by their agreement or not with statements like, ‘When I am upset, I often act without thinking.’ The researchers said this suggests implementation intentions may not be a panacea: ‘Ironically, people who possess poor self-regulatory skills insofar as they tend to act on impulse when distressed, who are arguably most in need of assistance in achieving their goals, may benefit least from behavior change interventions based on implementation intention formation.’ . . .
“Urgency” appears to be identical to “Impulsivity,” so it is not surprising that those people will have difficulty following through on a plan, even if the “when, where and how you will perform a given activity” is specified. Impulsivity can often be reduced by changing the timeline, or other interventions that expand the scope of what is attended to in the present when responding to temptation — for instance by including a representation of consequences in a client’s images of alternative choices.

. . . That’s the cautionary news. The good news comes from a study by Barbel Knauper and her colleagues who found that using mental imagery boosted the benefit of implementation intentions for students attempting to increase their fruit consumption over seven days. Rather than merely forming an if-then plan, such as ‘If I see orange juice at lunch, then I will buy it,’ they also imagined themselves performing this act, with as much sensory detail as possible. A promising result, and the researchers expressed their surprise that no-one had thought to investigate the combination of these two strategies before.

This result comes as no surprise to anyone with even basic training in NLP. Imagining “themselves performing this act, with as much sensory detail as possible” has been a standard and essential part of rehearsing or “future-pacing” any behavioral change. And if done well, an “impulsive” person will often “impulsively” choose what has been rehearsed. (See my blog post, Programming yourself now to remember later.) This study does not report any checking for objecting parts and satisfying them before a final future-pace, so presumably their results would have been even stronger if they had done that.

Nonverbal rapport and empathy.
Research on “mirror neurons” has established a neurological basis for nonverbal mirroring of gestures and movements, the foundation for the nonverbal rapport that has been a key feature of NLP trainings since the 1970s, as well as for compassion, and “stepping into someone else’s shoes.” Recent research in this area distinguishes between neurons that only fire when someone moves accidentally, or with deliberate intent, showing that the perception of intent (which has also been a major intervention in NLP for over 30 years) has an inherent neurological basis.

Negative reframing.
Susan Clancy’s research on people who had experienced childhood sexual abuse finds that surprisingly, the vast majority of them were not traumatized by it, and that of those who were, some were not traumatized at the time, but only years later when it was reframed as a horrible experience as a result of listening to the opinions of others who presupposed that it would have life-long harmful effects. So some of what is called PTSD is not an echo of the experience itself, but a result of evaluating the experience after the fact — sometimes years later.

Synesthesias.
John Bargh’s research focuses on “unconscious mechanisms that underlie social perception, evaluation and preferences, and motivation and goal pursuit in realistic and complex social environments.” In one example, interviewers asked interviewees to hold a cup while they asked them questions. The only difference between the experimental and control groups was that the cup held either warm coffee or a cold drink. Those holding the warm coffee expressed more positive responses than those holding the cold drink. These experiments involve synesthesias — crossover effects between different sensory modalities — in this case transforming the perception of physical warmth into interpersonal warmth. Attention to synesthesias has long been a staple of NLP training — and it is also strong support for nonverbal unconscious factors in rapport, responsiveness, and change.

Self-control and submodalities (the smaller parameters in each of the five sensory modalities).
The ability of small children to exert self-control when presented with marshmallows (If they were successful in delaying, they got two marshmallows instead of one) correlated with success later in life (age 32). When the children were asked how they were able to delay, they said that either they deliberately distracted their attention from temptation by looking somewhere else, or doing something else. Some pretended that the real marshmallow was only a flat picture of a marshmallow — an explicit submodality shift that is used in a number of NLP patterns.

Summary
This is only a very small sampling of current research studies that support various aspects of NLP practice and methodology, and more appear each week. There is a lot of research that supports NLP principles, but it is not identified as such. If all these studies were collected into a review article, it would provide quite impressive support. Meanwhile, a few of us continue to explore the boundaries of what we already know and can do.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Contagious Behavior



"Lie Down With Dogs, Get Up With Fleas": How our communities- of choice, birth, and chance - both form and inform us.

Remember how Mom used to tell you to choose your friends wisely. Gurus advise their devotees to form "sanghas" or spiritual communities. Now science has put some very precise numbers and reasoning behind these aphorisms and advice.

It's been said in NLP for decades that with sufficient rapport you can get almost anyone to do almost anything. The meta-message was that rapport was perhaps the easiest and most common form of manipulation.

Here's a fascinating study of the power of unconscious rapport, how it shapes and influences behavior over time both in individuals and groups.

Based on the famous 50 year Framingham study (originally done to track heart disease in a long term population) fascinating evidence is being found that behaviors are 'contagious' within a social network.

"Obesity was only the beginning. Over the next year, the sociologist and the political scientist continued to analyze the Framingham data, finding more and more examples of contagious behavior. Smoking, they discovered, also appeared to spread socially in fact, a friend taking up smoking increased your chance of lighting up by 36 percent, and if you had a three-degrees-removed friend who started smoking, you were 11 percent more likely to do the same. Drinking spread socially, as did happiness and even loneliness. And in each case ones individual influence stretched out three degrees before it faded out.

They termed this the three degrees of influence rule about human behavior: "We are tied not just to those around us, but to others in a web that stretches farther than we know."

Full article here: Are your friends making you fat?
So, you want to be happy? Find happy people and hang out with them.

With permission by Tom Dotz