Here is a great article written by Tom Hoobyar, NLP Comprehensive. I couldn't have said it better myself.
"This is about using NLP to control stress reactions, and I'm going to use new research from our toughest military training as an example of what's possible.
Our U.S. Navy SEALs have the reputation of being the best commandos ever created. A Navy SEAL is someone who has survived the most challenging military training in the world.
SEAL stands for Sea, Air, and Land fighting, and these guys do it all, from swimming underwater to jumping out of airplanes.
Those who pass the training demonstrate an almost superhuman ability to keep functioning in very stressful situations. In other words, they can keep functioning effectively when a normal person would be totally controlled by their primitive fight, flight or freeze reactions.
Like where things are blowing up and people are shooting at you.
What has this to do with NLP? Let me give you some background and then I'll tell you how NLP can be super-useful here.
But first I have to tell you about a problem the Navy had. You see, the selection process for SEAL candidates the training was tough. But even when they had a batch of super qualified prospects, they were losing over 75% of them during the first weeks of training.
This is a very expensive situation. Navy psychologists looked at the failures and found something interesting.
The prospects who failed didn't lack physical ability. Even though the training ordeals were extreme the candidates were able to do the job.
Nope, it wasn't muscles - it was mental. And that's interesting because the average SEAL I.Q. is way above the military norm and many of them have graduate degrees.
The ones who "washed out" didn't control their instinctive reactions to stress. They simply froze or folded when the challenges got too demanding.
Mental toughness. That's what the Navy decided to research, so they could keep more of these well-qualified candidates. Learning how to use their "software" to control their bodies' "hardware".
Clearly, intelligent people get scared too. Maybe it's even a mark of thoughtful people, but fortunately smart people can learn more self-management also.
The SEAL Command Psychologist, Commander Eric Potterat, listed four key mental techniques that are now being taught to SEAL candidates. He found that these mental techniques can be taught to any willing person and they would increase an individual's performance under stress levels where most of us would just shut down.
The "mental toughness" program was so effective that it increased the Navy SEAL pass rate by over one third.
These skills are now being taught to college students facing exams, fighter pilots, and key executives in some companies.
Here are the "Big Four" mental skills taught to Navy SEALs:
1) Goal-setting. I don't mean "what are you going to do with your life". I mean, "How are you going to get through the next half hour"? Turns out that this kind of close-focused goal-setting is a key to peak performance anywhere. It doesn't matter whether a person is on a stage, in an athletic competition, or in the middle of a fire-fight. It is simple, and proven. One major way to combat stress is to NARROW YOUR FOCUS to the immediate future.
NLP skills can really enrich this technique. Just focus on what the next phase of your work will need from you - maybe just the next few minutes - and zoom in on that.
2) Mental rehearsal, or Visualization. How often do you imagine success doing something you may be anxious about? Take a moment now, and give this a try. See what it will be like when you do that thing successfully and easily. Notice how your body feels and what you hear and smell. Do this over and over again and you are providing your brain with extra experience of success.
Does this sound like an elemental NLP process? You bet. Besides increasing the SEAL graduation rate, one report I read said this simple technique raised nervous college test-takers' GRE scores by over 150 points.
3) Take Charge of Your Self Talk. We are constantly talking to ourselves, at a rate that is many times the speed of normal speech. So when you notice something negative say "Stop!" or "Cancel!" and then create your own "cheering section" to be your encouraging chorus. Have them (or your own voice, whatever works) say "You can do it" - "This is easy!" "Forget that glitch - focus on the next one!"
Again, this is something we've done dozens of times in our NLP training. Now you get to use it in life.
4) Arousal Control. This skill is used to calm the physical symptoms of a panic response. You know, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, sudden cold sweats or hot spells.
You control this response with deliberate breathing.
You know your primitive brain will trigger reactions that might be useful for escaping a hungry bear, but not so useful when you're trying to talk with your boss, negotiate through traffic, or working through a family debate.
So, INHALE DEEPLY (for a count of six), hold it for a count of two, then exhale for a count of six, emptying your lungs. Do this three times.
Practice this anytime during the day. It will become your instant stress control and will lower your blood pressure and flood your brain with oxygen, increasing your ability to think and react thoughtfully.
Give this "Big Four" skills a try - and you may find that you're becoming more resilient and a little bit more of a "fearless warrior" in your personal life. "
Thanks, Tom!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Friday, December 24, 2010
Are you emotionally ready for the Holidays and family?
We spend a lot of time getting ready for the holidays physically - decorating, gifts, food. It would be nice if we all could take off work between Thanksgiving and New Years. It might reduce some of the stress we feel that is created by shopping for gifts (I’m never stressed when shopping for myself), planning and executing meals, cards and letters, wrapping, hiding, parties, eating and drinking too much, running around like rats on speed while keeping a big smile, great attitude and sparkling personality. AND THEN… there is dealing with family members. AAAAGGGGHHHH! For some a better bet would be watching every horror movie ever made than to spend time with family members. The only way to get through the holidays is by professionally or self medicating. It is a sad commentary on our culture when the best time of the year becomes something we dread. And it is all brought on by us and the rules we impose on ourselves or others.
Back in the old days, my old days, my husband and I would avoid all of it by taking a long vacation to a warm place. That way we could gracefully say that we would be out of the country. It worked….kind of…
Being with my family USED to be the most upsetting, depressing, agitating, frustrating, experience regardless of the time of the year. Now they have become the people I most want to be with. In fact, I feel safe being with them in times of trouble and lean on them when things don’t go right simply because I know they will love me know matter what I do. They don’t know me as NLP trainer extraordinaire. They know me as Sue, who raked up leaves in the fall and made piles of them to jump over and pretend I was on a horse, or Sue, who thinks she’s overweight when she’s the skinniest one in the family, or Sue, who makes a star-spangled desert from an online recipe on July 4th and makes everyone eat some or Sue, who insists on buying her sister hair color and helps her apply it. They all take my musings in stride. It is a wonderful thing when there is a place you can go where you feel totally accepted, not for what you do but who you are.
So what is the purpose for all this rambling?
Family—for many the curse of the holidays—the fights, the hurt feelings, the conflicts, where to go when, who will visit who, who will cook, who is buying what for whom, wishing that they had no family or pretending like they do, dealing with quirks, and power struggles. This is what makes the holidays so depressing and stressful. All because we think it should be a certain way and people should act in a certain way. This is the bad news.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. We make maps of all of our experience. Those maps have structure. Just like a computer program, it can be “debugged”. One of the presuppositions in NLP is that “if we change our maps, we change our emotions”. Even if you have done a lot of therapy around family of origin issues, NLP can help neurologically restructure those early experiences to make you resourceful around anyone, including family. This has been the secret that has completely and uttering change my family experience.
Bert Hellinger, a German psychologist, who developed the family constellation therapy says we take our family and carry it around in our mind so that it becomes “family mind”. Have you ever been conscious of the fact that your recreate your family situation at work? So even if you are unwilling to deal with your “DAD” issues, you can deal with your male boss instead. That way it can affect your income and your happiness as well. Or maybe you are working out your family issues in your marriage. Marry your mom or your dad? Remember that NLP is neurological restructuring, not therapy. Until the restructuring is done, you’ll be able to cope until you reach the limit of your skills and resourcefulness. Then the old pattern comes back.
Because the family ties so deeply affect us and so deeply anchored, when we get around “those” people, we simple get thrown back into old behaviors and act like we were 6 years old again. OR we emotionally detach completely so we can deal with “those” people but never really engage. It’s like going to a party where you don’t know anybody and standing there all night until it is time to go home. That’s the protection mode brought on by fear of being hurt or violated. When you are in fear, it’s not very much fun. And the holidays are fun, if you have the right combination of attitude, skills and resources.
Here is a procedure to help you with the stress:
1. Do well-formed outcomes (if you have taken classes, you have this process). What kind of experience do you want to have this season?
2. Say, “no” to invitations to events that you don’t want to do. If you don’t want to go, it just creates more stress.
3. Anchoring (another technique you know from classes). Anchoring resourceful times with friends or business associates to being with family members. This is one technique I used.
4. Reframing will change behavioral responses to things people do that don’t fit your map of reality.
5. Take more time for yourself and set boundaries. It’s ok to take a spa day or have your nails done, go play basketball with the guys, rent or go to the movies. Take a day trip out to one of the area lakes. Pack a picnic.
6. Cut back on large parties. Keep gatherings small and intimate with a minimum of complicated food. Some people host a party that is like planning a wedding every year.
7. Eat well and keep adult beverages to a minimum.
8. Use your perceptual position skills. See things from another point of view this time. What is their positive intention, what benefit are they trying to get themselves?
9. Instead of doing “my rules for me, my rules for you”, do my rules for me, your rules for you.”
10. Get agreement to stop giving gifts (the retailers won’t like this one). My family has not exchanged gifts for years. Cards and pictures are enough.
11. This is the TRUTH: if you don’t get everything done, no one will die! My cards go out in January, sometimes later, sometimes not at all. To my knowledge, no one has taken me off their card list because they didn’t hear from me. The deadlines we set are self imposed. Send Thanksgiving cards instead or Valentines cards. If people only hear from you once a year, pick another time. They’ll have more time to enjoy your correspondence and you’ll enjoy writing the note.
12. Hire people to do things: clean your house, address envelopes, grocery shop. There are people out there that do this for a reasonable charge and it’s a lot less wear and tear on you.
13. Stop living from what you think is expected of you. Do what YOU want to do. Create your own experience the way you want it. These are your rules, you are the only one that can change them.
14. When changing family set ups, make sure you use your rapport skills and match and pace. Duh.
15. Work privately with an NLP practitioner (like me) to help you restructure your “family mind”. I am available Tuesday through Friday from 11-4 through the holidays excepting Thanksgiving Day and Christmas.
This could be the year you gave yourself the greatest gift -- A FUN AND ENJOYABLE HOLIDAY SEASON WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS. This I wish for you.
We spend a lot of time getting ready for the holidays physically - decorating, gifts, food. It would be nice if we all could take off work between Thanksgiving and New Years. It might reduce some of the stress we feel that is created by shopping for gifts (I’m never stressed when shopping for myself), planning and executing meals, cards and letters, wrapping, hiding, parties, eating and drinking too much, running around like rats on speed while keeping a big smile, great attitude and sparkling personality. AND THEN… there is dealing with family members. AAAAGGGGHHHH! For some a better bet would be watching every horror movie ever made than to spend time with family members. The only way to get through the holidays is by professionally or self medicating. It is a sad commentary on our culture when the best time of the year becomes something we dread. And it is all brought on by us and the rules we impose on ourselves or others.
Back in the old days, my old days, my husband and I would avoid all of it by taking a long vacation to a warm place. That way we could gracefully say that we would be out of the country. It worked….kind of…
Being with my family USED to be the most upsetting, depressing, agitating, frustrating, experience regardless of the time of the year. Now they have become the people I most want to be with. In fact, I feel safe being with them in times of trouble and lean on them when things don’t go right simply because I know they will love me know matter what I do. They don’t know me as NLP trainer extraordinaire. They know me as Sue, who raked up leaves in the fall and made piles of them to jump over and pretend I was on a horse, or Sue, who thinks she’s overweight when she’s the skinniest one in the family, or Sue, who makes a star-spangled desert from an online recipe on July 4th and makes everyone eat some or Sue, who insists on buying her sister hair color and helps her apply it. They all take my musings in stride. It is a wonderful thing when there is a place you can go where you feel totally accepted, not for what you do but who you are.
So what is the purpose for all this rambling?
Family—for many the curse of the holidays—the fights, the hurt feelings, the conflicts, where to go when, who will visit who, who will cook, who is buying what for whom, wishing that they had no family or pretending like they do, dealing with quirks, and power struggles. This is what makes the holidays so depressing and stressful. All because we think it should be a certain way and people should act in a certain way. This is the bad news.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. We make maps of all of our experience. Those maps have structure. Just like a computer program, it can be “debugged”. One of the presuppositions in NLP is that “if we change our maps, we change our emotions”. Even if you have done a lot of therapy around family of origin issues, NLP can help neurologically restructure those early experiences to make you resourceful around anyone, including family. This has been the secret that has completely and uttering change my family experience.
Bert Hellinger, a German psychologist, who developed the family constellation therapy says we take our family and carry it around in our mind so that it becomes “family mind”. Have you ever been conscious of the fact that your recreate your family situation at work? So even if you are unwilling to deal with your “DAD” issues, you can deal with your male boss instead. That way it can affect your income and your happiness as well. Or maybe you are working out your family issues in your marriage. Marry your mom or your dad? Remember that NLP is neurological restructuring, not therapy. Until the restructuring is done, you’ll be able to cope until you reach the limit of your skills and resourcefulness. Then the old pattern comes back.
Because the family ties so deeply affect us and so deeply anchored, when we get around “those” people, we simple get thrown back into old behaviors and act like we were 6 years old again. OR we emotionally detach completely so we can deal with “those” people but never really engage. It’s like going to a party where you don’t know anybody and standing there all night until it is time to go home. That’s the protection mode brought on by fear of being hurt or violated. When you are in fear, it’s not very much fun. And the holidays are fun, if you have the right combination of attitude, skills and resources.
Here is a procedure to help you with the stress:
1. Do well-formed outcomes (if you have taken classes, you have this process). What kind of experience do you want to have this season?
2. Say, “no” to invitations to events that you don’t want to do. If you don’t want to go, it just creates more stress.
3. Anchoring (another technique you know from classes). Anchoring resourceful times with friends or business associates to being with family members. This is one technique I used.
4. Reframing will change behavioral responses to things people do that don’t fit your map of reality.
5. Take more time for yourself and set boundaries. It’s ok to take a spa day or have your nails done, go play basketball with the guys, rent or go to the movies. Take a day trip out to one of the area lakes. Pack a picnic.
6. Cut back on large parties. Keep gatherings small and intimate with a minimum of complicated food. Some people host a party that is like planning a wedding every year.
7. Eat well and keep adult beverages to a minimum.
8. Use your perceptual position skills. See things from another point of view this time. What is their positive intention, what benefit are they trying to get themselves?
9. Instead of doing “my rules for me, my rules for you”, do my rules for me, your rules for you.”
10. Get agreement to stop giving gifts (the retailers won’t like this one). My family has not exchanged gifts for years. Cards and pictures are enough.
11. This is the TRUTH: if you don’t get everything done, no one will die! My cards go out in January, sometimes later, sometimes not at all. To my knowledge, no one has taken me off their card list because they didn’t hear from me. The deadlines we set are self imposed. Send Thanksgiving cards instead or Valentines cards. If people only hear from you once a year, pick another time. They’ll have more time to enjoy your correspondence and you’ll enjoy writing the note.
12. Hire people to do things: clean your house, address envelopes, grocery shop. There are people out there that do this for a reasonable charge and it’s a lot less wear and tear on you.
13. Stop living from what you think is expected of you. Do what YOU want to do. Create your own experience the way you want it. These are your rules, you are the only one that can change them.
14. When changing family set ups, make sure you use your rapport skills and match and pace. Duh.
15. Work privately with an NLP practitioner (like me) to help you restructure your “family mind”. I am available Tuesday through Friday from 11-4 through the holidays excepting Thanksgiving Day and Christmas.
This could be the year you gave yourself the greatest gift -- A FUN AND ENJOYABLE HOLIDAY SEASON WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS. This I wish for you.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Asking for Help and Other Differentiators that Support Success
If you learn a path through a forest, you have only one way to get to the other side. If you learn about the whole forest, you will have a thousand ways.
Asking for Help and Other Differentiators that Support Success
I won't go so far as to say that people are winners or losers or successes or failures. This would go against the NLP model that says that People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting and there is failure, only feedback. As a Certified Trainer of NLP, I look at what is working or not working; getting the results wanted or not.
Asking for help:
I had a meeting with a woman the other day who is looking for a coach. In our discourse over the hour she said something to me that caught my attention.
I ask for help early and often.
This woman is a renowned expert in her field with years of experience. In an age when people, especially but not exclusively women, are taught to be independent and stand on their own; that asking for help could be construed as a sign of weakness, I thought this was very telling.
My point: we do not live in a vacuum; we do not learn in a vacuum; we do not succeed in a vacuum. Everyone I know who became an expert, a leader, a president, etc. had the help of other people. The world and universe work in a system as does everything in it, people included.
We are not our behavior, what we do for a living, or what we have.
Here are some other documented things that successful people do than others do not:
Characteristics of a successful person:
By the way, people didn't start at the top and then start doing these things. These are the things they did to become successful.
Focus on solutions – instead to focusing on the problems, which intensify the problems, they set outcomes and work at achieving those instead of solving problems.
Take responsibility – they look at the choices they have and take appropriate action when something doesn't work instead of blaming others or situations, like the ECONOMY, for what is happening to them
Find opportunities in crises – there is a silver lining in every cloud. Often challenging situations gives rise to creative ways of doing things differently
Enjoy being in the present and what it has to offer instead of dwelling in the past. "If only it could be like it was 5 years ago. I'd like to get back to the way it was." OR If I had only taken that job at ABC company, things would be different today." are "whines" of the unsuccessful. In each moment we have available choices that are creating our future. The life you have today was created years ago. If you want something different and better years from now, today you will have to make different choices.
Make commitments and keep them no matter what. Whenever we make changes, those changes can challenge us to go back to the way things were – the pain we know is somehow better than the uncertainty of what we don't know. Making commitments and keeping them come out of our value systems. If we are unable to follow through on one commitment, it generally says we will falter on others. This doesn't foster reliability in people. Make it work, if you committed to it, if you want to be seen as an outstanding business person.
Focus on outcomes and what they can achieve – rather on excuses why they can't do something.
Focus on mastery rather than performance - Attending to doing things right without any failure leads to the imposter syndrome. Performance is key and it better be perfect. If it can't be done perfectly, it won't be tried. This goes back to the fear of failure. The only way to fail is to not do something. Take the time to learn something thoroughly. My trainer taught, "train as if you will never master training."
Make personal development a priority – I've never known a successful person who used money as an excuse not to do something. They think of things in terms of possibility, choice and how (process). If you focus on the possibility of how, it is amazing HOW things come about. Using time and money as an excuse is the hallmark of a person who is struggling and not getting what they want in life. When a successful person wants something, they find a way to do it.
Face fear, accept it and take the leap – qualify: educated leap. Gather information and talk to people who have already done what you want to do. Success leaves clues. Avoid missing any.
Expand your comfort zone – the wider your comfort zone, the more flexibility and choices you have. If all you have is a muddy dirt road to travel on, the more likely you will get stuck.
Respond to new ideas with curiosity. There is always something more to learn – success is built on curiosity. Belief in knowing it all is a dead end road.
Plan and take action – action without a plan is frantic activity; can mimic ADD. Plan without action mimics 'sitting ducks.'
Realize they have a choice in strategies if something isn't working – it is not if something doesn't work, it is when. This separates the 'wheat from the chaff'. Everything changes. We live in systems. Systems are dynamic. Changing with the times doesn't mean you have to have the "latest" technology but you probably need to make some effort to upgrade occasionally. Also, if you only have one choice, you are a robot.
Learn from mistakes and take feedback as a way to adjust the next step to get results– A mistake is a miss take. Do learning in reverse and do a Retake. Being defeated by failure is the hallmark of a perfectionist. Learn to be imperfect. You'll be happier and learn more. Listen to what others are saying who know more than you (not necessarily your parents). If I had listened to my parents, I would have moved home when I lost my first job. They did give me some good suggestions also. When I wanted to quit college, my dad convinced me to stay in school. Good choice.
Persist until something works. If the outcome is achievable then all that remains is to take action and change what you are doing until it happens
Help others – share your knowledge with those who wouldn't ordinarily be exposed to it. There is great benefit from teaching others. It helps you learn at a deeper level.
Hang around people who are like minded and want success also – so many of my former NLP students are returning for 'brush ups.' Being around people who are learning and growing supports us in getting what we want. You speak a common language. With so much hopeless desperation that has infiltrated many people, it is nice to be around people who have an upbeat perspective on life. And it is a perspective. We are all in the same boat. Some of us looking at it as a yacht; some are looking at it as a row boat without a paddle.
By the way, research on optimism and pessimism shows that optimists, even though they may see things a little unrealistically good, are healthier physically and mentally than realists and pessimists.
The successful person is largely differentiated by their WAY OF THINKING! Humm…where have we heard that before? I'm talking about the way we perceive situations. It is all a perception anyway, choose one that makes you happy. Now THAT is a choice!
Life is Good.
Asking for Help and Other Differentiators that Support Success
I won't go so far as to say that people are winners or losers or successes or failures. This would go against the NLP model that says that People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting and there is failure, only feedback. As a Certified Trainer of NLP, I look at what is working or not working; getting the results wanted or not.
Asking for help:
I had a meeting with a woman the other day who is looking for a coach. In our discourse over the hour she said something to me that caught my attention.
I ask for help early and often.
This woman is a renowned expert in her field with years of experience. In an age when people, especially but not exclusively women, are taught to be independent and stand on their own; that asking for help could be construed as a sign of weakness, I thought this was very telling.
My point: we do not live in a vacuum; we do not learn in a vacuum; we do not succeed in a vacuum. Everyone I know who became an expert, a leader, a president, etc. had the help of other people. The world and universe work in a system as does everything in it, people included.
We are not our behavior, what we do for a living, or what we have.
Here are some other documented things that successful people do than others do not:
Characteristics of a successful person:
By the way, people didn't start at the top and then start doing these things. These are the things they did to become successful.
Focus on solutions – instead to focusing on the problems, which intensify the problems, they set outcomes and work at achieving those instead of solving problems.
Take responsibility – they look at the choices they have and take appropriate action when something doesn't work instead of blaming others or situations, like the ECONOMY, for what is happening to them
Find opportunities in crises – there is a silver lining in every cloud. Often challenging situations gives rise to creative ways of doing things differently
Enjoy being in the present and what it has to offer instead of dwelling in the past. "If only it could be like it was 5 years ago. I'd like to get back to the way it was." OR If I had only taken that job at ABC company, things would be different today." are "whines" of the unsuccessful. In each moment we have available choices that are creating our future. The life you have today was created years ago. If you want something different and better years from now, today you will have to make different choices.
Make commitments and keep them no matter what. Whenever we make changes, those changes can challenge us to go back to the way things were – the pain we know is somehow better than the uncertainty of what we don't know. Making commitments and keeping them come out of our value systems. If we are unable to follow through on one commitment, it generally says we will falter on others. This doesn't foster reliability in people. Make it work, if you committed to it, if you want to be seen as an outstanding business person.
Focus on outcomes and what they can achieve – rather on excuses why they can't do something.
Focus on mastery rather than performance - Attending to doing things right without any failure leads to the imposter syndrome. Performance is key and it better be perfect. If it can't be done perfectly, it won't be tried. This goes back to the fear of failure. The only way to fail is to not do something. Take the time to learn something thoroughly. My trainer taught, "train as if you will never master training."
Make personal development a priority – I've never known a successful person who used money as an excuse not to do something. They think of things in terms of possibility, choice and how (process). If you focus on the possibility of how, it is amazing HOW things come about. Using time and money as an excuse is the hallmark of a person who is struggling and not getting what they want in life. When a successful person wants something, they find a way to do it.
Face fear, accept it and take the leap – qualify: educated leap. Gather information and talk to people who have already done what you want to do. Success leaves clues. Avoid missing any.
Expand your comfort zone – the wider your comfort zone, the more flexibility and choices you have. If all you have is a muddy dirt road to travel on, the more likely you will get stuck.
Respond to new ideas with curiosity. There is always something more to learn – success is built on curiosity. Belief in knowing it all is a dead end road.
Plan and take action – action without a plan is frantic activity; can mimic ADD. Plan without action mimics 'sitting ducks.'
Realize they have a choice in strategies if something isn't working – it is not if something doesn't work, it is when. This separates the 'wheat from the chaff'. Everything changes. We live in systems. Systems are dynamic. Changing with the times doesn't mean you have to have the "latest" technology but you probably need to make some effort to upgrade occasionally. Also, if you only have one choice, you are a robot.
Learn from mistakes and take feedback as a way to adjust the next step to get results– A mistake is a miss take. Do learning in reverse and do a Retake. Being defeated by failure is the hallmark of a perfectionist. Learn to be imperfect. You'll be happier and learn more. Listen to what others are saying who know more than you (not necessarily your parents). If I had listened to my parents, I would have moved home when I lost my first job. They did give me some good suggestions also. When I wanted to quit college, my dad convinced me to stay in school. Good choice.
Persist until something works. If the outcome is achievable then all that remains is to take action and change what you are doing until it happens
Help others – share your knowledge with those who wouldn't ordinarily be exposed to it. There is great benefit from teaching others. It helps you learn at a deeper level.
Hang around people who are like minded and want success also – so many of my former NLP students are returning for 'brush ups.' Being around people who are learning and growing supports us in getting what we want. You speak a common language. With so much hopeless desperation that has infiltrated many people, it is nice to be around people who have an upbeat perspective on life. And it is a perspective. We are all in the same boat. Some of us looking at it as a yacht; some are looking at it as a row boat without a paddle.
By the way, research on optimism and pessimism shows that optimists, even though they may see things a little unrealistically good, are healthier physically and mentally than realists and pessimists.
The successful person is largely differentiated by their WAY OF THINKING! Humm…where have we heard that before? I'm talking about the way we perceive situations. It is all a perception anyway, choose one that makes you happy. Now THAT is a choice!
Life is Good.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Words are Important!
Your language is the software package that runs your brain. You are always influencing and being influenced. So not only are you influencing others by your words, you are affecting yourself.
Your surface communication (what comes out of your mouth) is the end result of multi-layer thought process that begins in the deepest levels of your mind. By the time a thought is formed and that thought is expressed, it has gone through many filtering processes and much of the communication has been deleted, distorted and generalized. Then you make meaning of an experience and it is the MEANING you remember, not the actual experience. In fact, Noam Chomsky, in Transformational Grammer, stated that people communicate about 1-1/2% of the total of any experience. That's not a whole lot of information. You can see why so much miscommunication happens.
Now, knowing how to transform little phrases is a start to transforming your communication to benefit yourself and your internal experience. Here are some examples:
Change: Try ..............to ...........Do my best
Change: Stupid .........to............ Interesting
Change: Pain............. to............ Discomfort
Change: Lost .............to............ Missplaced
Change: Hate............ to............ Dislike
Change: You can't miss it.. to....... You'll find it
Change: Please don't misunderstand me........ to......... Please understand what I am saying
Change: It is so hard to.... to........ I'll find a way
Change: You won't fail .... to ....You will succeed
Change: Don't forget ........to .....Remember
Change: Don't miss it .......to......You'll find it
These are a few examples that will clean up your communication so that the listener has a better understanding of what you are saying.
Remember that the words like don't and won't are not processed in the mind so when you tell someone "Don't miss it" you are actually telling them to "miss it." That is what they hear.
More on the deletion, distortion and generalizations later.
Take note, the the more you do delete, distort and generalize, the more we find ourselves stuck and missunderstood. That doesn't feel good.
Small changes can, through time, can create big results.
Your surface communication (what comes out of your mouth) is the end result of multi-layer thought process that begins in the deepest levels of your mind. By the time a thought is formed and that thought is expressed, it has gone through many filtering processes and much of the communication has been deleted, distorted and generalized. Then you make meaning of an experience and it is the MEANING you remember, not the actual experience. In fact, Noam Chomsky, in Transformational Grammer, stated that people communicate about 1-1/2% of the total of any experience. That's not a whole lot of information. You can see why so much miscommunication happens.
Now, knowing how to transform little phrases is a start to transforming your communication to benefit yourself and your internal experience. Here are some examples:
Change: Try ..............to ...........Do my best
Change: Stupid .........to............ Interesting
Change: Pain............. to............ Discomfort
Change: Lost .............to............ Missplaced
Change: Hate............ to............ Dislike
Change: You can't miss it.. to....... You'll find it
Change: Please don't misunderstand me........ to......... Please understand what I am saying
Change: It is so hard to.... to........ I'll find a way
Change: You won't fail .... to ....You will succeed
Change: Don't forget ........to .....Remember
Change: Don't miss it .......to......You'll find it
These are a few examples that will clean up your communication so that the listener has a better understanding of what you are saying.
Remember that the words like don't and won't are not processed in the mind so when you tell someone "Don't miss it" you are actually telling them to "miss it." That is what they hear.
More on the deletion, distortion and generalizations later.
Take note, the the more you do delete, distort and generalize, the more we find ourselves stuck and missunderstood. That doesn't feel good.
Small changes can, through time, can create big results.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Here is a testimonial from a coach who has used NLP in her coaching business.
"NLP gave me with the foundational belief system and structure I needed to grow a bigger life and a successful coaching business. No other training has proven as valuable to me in terms of my personal/professional development".
"NLP gave me with the foundational belief system and structure I needed to grow a bigger life and a successful coaching business. No other training has proven as valuable to me in terms of my personal/professional development".
Thursday, May 13, 2010
All Change is good
For years, a friend of mine told me this and I would think, "Huh?" How could all change be good? It depends on how you look at CHANGE. Unfortunately, most people look and experience change as "loss."
Do this exercise. Go back through your personal history and look at all the major changes in your life. After the change, what happened next after everything settle down?
Change for me represents something "different" and something "better." Eventhough some changes have represented losses for me, the situations were always replaced by something better than what I had. If I were still in the same relationship I had when I was married I wouldn't be happy with the person I am with today, nor would I be the same unhappy person I was back then.
People make themselves miserable trying to hold on to what they have, when what they can get as a replacement would be 10x better.
The other thing to think about is that even though change may represent something that isn't useful, it at least let's us get clear about where our boundaries are and what we don't want. Change, then affords us the opportunity to develop a viable replacement. The replacement still represents a change but it is about moving towards something better rather than moving away from something that is painful. When we move away from something painful, we can never get what we want because moving away from something painful doesn't specify where we are going.
If we don't know exactly where we are going, we will end up somewhere - the same place as we were before.
Flexibility in thinking towards possibilites of what CAN happen is the hallmark of genius.
Do this exercise. Go back through your personal history and look at all the major changes in your life. After the change, what happened next after everything settle down?
Change for me represents something "different" and something "better." Eventhough some changes have represented losses for me, the situations were always replaced by something better than what I had. If I were still in the same relationship I had when I was married I wouldn't be happy with the person I am with today, nor would I be the same unhappy person I was back then.
People make themselves miserable trying to hold on to what they have, when what they can get as a replacement would be 10x better.
The other thing to think about is that even though change may represent something that isn't useful, it at least let's us get clear about where our boundaries are and what we don't want. Change, then affords us the opportunity to develop a viable replacement. The replacement still represents a change but it is about moving towards something better rather than moving away from something that is painful. When we move away from something painful, we can never get what we want because moving away from something painful doesn't specify where we are going.
If we don't know exactly where we are going, we will end up somewhere - the same place as we were before.
Flexibility in thinking towards possibilites of what CAN happen is the hallmark of genius.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Biggest Misconception of Communication – Verbal vs. Nonverbal
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· 7% are the words,
· 38% is the way the words are said (paraverbals) and
· 55% of the communication is non-verbal (body language)
WRONG!
In fact, just this week, after imparting the misconception with my Level 1 class, one of my students heard a talk where the speaker cited these statistics. When I hear them, I immediately become suspect of this person’s ability to teach communication.
Not so Simple
Let me set the record straight for all you speakers out there and listeners. These often yet misquoted, out-of-context figures came out of the work of Albert Mehrabian, specifically, “Silent Messages.” Beginning the in 1960’s Mehrabian, a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at UCLA, has been known for his pioneering work in the field of nonverbal communication (body language).
His experiments helped identify nonverbal and subtle ways in which a person conveys like-dislike, power and leadership, discomfort and insecurity, social attractiveness, or persuasiveness. Mehrabian's research provides the basis for the widely misquoted and often much over-simplified statistic for the effectiveness of spoken communications.
Feelings, Ambiguity and Conflict
It is important to understand the context of Mehrabian findings. At a minimum, the formula applies to communications of feelings and attitudes (like-dislike) , not simple communication, ambiguity or incongruence.
Here is the oversimplification of the true statistics:
· 7% of meaning in the words that are spoken.
· 38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said).
· 55% of meaning is in facial expression.
Mehrabian did not intend the statistic to be used or applied freely to all communications and meaning.
From Professors Mehrabian’s website:
“Total Liking = 7% Verbal Liking + 38% Vocal Liking + 55% Facial Liking
Please note that this and other equations regarding relative importance of verbal and nonverbal messages were derived from experiments dealing with communications of feelings and attitudes (i.e., like-dislike). Unless a communicator is talking about their feelings or attitudes, these equations are not applicable. Also see references 286 and 305 in Silent Messages -- these are the original sources of my findings”
For example, the spoken instruction,
"Fire! Evacuate the building!”
has 100% meaning in the words alone: “There is a fire and get out now!”
The tone and body language might additionally convey urgency in meaning. You don’t need a body language expert to give you the full meaning of the communication. You have it all in the words.
In autocratic environments, such as the armed forces, there is no need to discuss emotional attitudes and feelings. Mehrabian's theory and its implications are not especially applicable The soldier does as the officer dictates without any discussion.
The value of Mehrabian's theory relates to communications where emotional content is significant, and the need to understand it properly is great. Or where the words are ambiguous or where there is a conflict (incongruity) between the words a person uses and the non-verbals and tone (one of a class known as paraverbals). Example, saying “yes” and shaking your head “no.” People tend to rely more on the non-verbals to evaluate the emotional state of the person speaking when there is ambiguity or conflilct between the channels
This is applicable in management and business, where motivation and attitude have a crucial effect on outcomes.
Meaning and Spoken Communication.
When interpreting meaning as the listener or convey meaning as a speaker, the Mehrabian model is important but context of the communication needs to be considered. In Meharbian’s model, 93% of the meaning is inferred by nonverbal language but you cannot use it in as a general communication rule. Also take into consideration that the research involved only spoken communication.
In many instances, 100% of the words are used to convey meaning, such as in contracts, deeds and legal documents or signs, such as NO SMOKING or RESTROOMS. No attitude or emotional content is present. Books also rely on words for 100% of the communication.
So the next time you hear a speaker misquote these statistics, you can do a number of things.
1. Do nothing; just consider them ignorant and they didn’t do their homework. When I hear this from a speaker I know they heard or read about it without doing any research and thought it was impactful and decided to use it.
2. Mention to them privately that they might want to check out Mehrabian’s studies before using the statistics again. Or send them to my blog off my website.
3. Challenge them in front of their audience. Make them look foolish.
I suggest using number 2. You’ll be doing them a favor.
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