What People Might Not Know About Grief

This article is about any loss. Lately several of my friends have lost pets; a few have lost jobs. Some of you remember the article I wrote in 2009 about the complicated relationship with my mother. The reason I would even talk about this in a public forum is because I, as an NLP Trainer, encourage my clients to heal the relationships they have with their family members, if at all possible. Because for me, success equals balance, having out-of-balance relationships may not support us getting what we want in other areas of our lives. NLP is a methodology of communication. Integration of the model is to be able to use it anywhere with anyone because an elegant communicator is who you are not what you do.

In December, my mother passed away after a 5 year decline with Alzheimer’s. It was a difficult time for our family. Today, I still think I should call her at those times when I would always call her. I did not realize that it would leave such a hole in my life. I know of many of my close friends have lost parents. They seem to live through it and move on. I am finding out for many the loss of a parent represents a significant loss some may never really heal.
I have discovered as I have gone though my own research and grieving process some things some of you might find helpful:

1. Grief is an emotion associated with loss. This means any loss: job, person, pet, situation in life, possessions.

2. Grief is not something that follows a set of steps as put forth by Elisabeth Kϋbler Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, in 1969. Although people may go through the stages identified by her, people react differently to the loss of someone or something.

3. From an NLP perspective, grief has a very specific structure. It is a dissociated internal picture one holds inside their head. The person pictures themselves with that which is lost and they cannot have it/them anymore. The internal picture may also be foggy, veiled, dark, or misty and defocused. Example: we see ourselves with the deceased person (dissociated). Picture may be blurred, dark with little color. (This may not be exactly the same for each person.)


4. When grief is resolved, the internal picture becomes associated with the person picturing that which was lost by itself/themselves. People feel the lost person or thing as present, as if they are always with them. People typically recall the lost person as happy and healthy and remember the great characteristics of this person. Think of someone or something for which you used to grieve but now feel their presence. What internal picture do you bring up most often? Notice the quality of the picture. Usually it is a picture of the person by themselves and the picture brings with it good feelings as if the person were still there. Example: we remember the person as healthy and happy and associated as if they are with us.

5. Grief is not something to take lightly and disregard as unnecessary. Lengthy unresolved grief (felt or not) can lead to emotional and physical problems.

6. The length of grieving time is not important. What is important that a person gives themselves sufficient time to work through the loss and feel the person’s presence.
7. Talk to someone who is professionally trained. It is worth the money and may significantly shorten downtime.

The above information I am familiar with because I have helped people resolve their grief issues for years. For one person it was their grandmother; another, it was the loss of their home country.
The following are things that I did not know. My dear friend Kathy Cameron Russell, a spiritual counselor, and her husband, Tim, an estate planning attorney have noticed some consistent characteristics in people who are grieving whether they are tearful or not.

1. When a parent of a large family dies, it is much more significant than what one would think regardless of the amount of input the deceased person had in family matters. The death of a parent is a major passing in one’s life and not to be taken lightly regardless of the nature of the relationship a person had with the deceased person

2. Grief is extended if there is no funeral or memorial service. The funeral is not for the deceased person; it if part of the healing process for the people left behind. (Note: Kathy said that we as individual family members would resolve our grief faster by having our own individual memorials. So far there has been no resolution for my mother’s passing.)

3. Grief shows up in many different forms. It not just crying and feeling sad. Some people make irrational decisions, become flighty, make impulse buys and spend a lot of money, become crabby and hard to get along with, withdraw, dissatisfied with some or all of their life or become argumentative or resentful.

4. Any change in our normal demeanor or an increase in intensity of emotional patterns: victimhood, intense feeling of unfairness, melancholy, an increase in isolation or getting immersed in activity to keep busy, health issues, being impatient are all signs of grief.

5. Kathy and Tim have watched families, especially large ones like the one I am in, make really stupid decisions about money and relationships during times of grief.

6. It is best not to make ANY big decisions for at least a YEAR after a major person in a family passes. (parent, sibling, child, spouse).

7. Have your parents (or you yourself) make plans ahead of time: leave a will, power of attorney, living will, etc. Let someone know where documents are. Leave in writing what is to be done with certain items in your house. A good probate, estate planning lawyer can help you with this.

8. Make plans for your funeral. No one in grief wants to decide about the particulars of the
memorial/funeral service. I know you will not be there but make it easier on the folks who are left. No one wants to deal with their own death but everyone will have to face it. Be responsible and take care of these things ahead of time as your last act of kindness

I know for myself, I began wanting to paint my house, inside and out, change my investments and even my investment advisor. I felt disconnected from the rest of my family and my significant other whose behaviors I started to find unacceptable. In other words, I was over threshold in many areas of my life. After my conversation with Kathy, I realized most of what was going on stemmed from the loss of my mother. So I decided to ride it out and sit still. So far it has been a good plan.

Bottom line: Avoid making any big money decisions right after a big loss or any big decision PERIOD. This includes vacations, trips, investments, clothing, household goods, cars, houses. Often, loss will create turbulence in a person’s life. Doing frantic activity will not make the turbulence stop. It only makes it worse. Then there is a danger that chaos will ensue. The best way to stabilize is to do nothing; leave things as they are. Continue your life as you always have. Later when your life has smoothed out and you can see life as better again, then look at the changes you think are appropriate.

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Susan Stageman, M. A., President
NLP Training Concepts, LLC
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What is your behavior communicating?

Last night, I watched Masterpiece Contemporary. In one scene, a 22 year old daughter asks her dad what he thought of her artwork. Her father replied his truth…that her art demonstrated despair, (which, in my opinion it did.) Her father then said, “If this is coming from inside of you, you must feel this despair and this makes me, as your father, upset because you feel this way. If this isn’t how you feel inside, then you are a fake.” Then the daughter got angry at her father and told him to get away from her and leave her alone.

Point: I got to thinking how incongruent this was. Ask someone for their opinion, then get angry at what they said and reject the person. Hummm….if she didn’t want the truth and value her dad’s opinion enough to ask for it, then why did she ask? She got her answer. And it was the truth. She was feeling despair. I suppose blaming other person and getting angry was showing her desperation. This is a prime example of incongruent behavior. Consider your behavior as your own personal artwork. What is your artwork telling the world?
One of the presuppositions of NLP is “Behavior is the highest form of communication. “ Most people have experienced some form of someone telling us one thing and then doing another. It is the ol’ “You are talking so loud I can’t hear what you are saying.” “Practice what you preach.” The human mind is much more capable of understanding what it is seeing than what it is hearing.

There are two sides to consider when faced with incongruous behavior.
1. What do I do when someone is telling me one thing and doing another?
2. What is my behavior telling someone when I say one thing and then do another?
In either case you are dealing with incongruous behavior. Incongruous behavior undermines your business and your personal life.

Incongruent means incompatible with (what is suitable) or inappropriate. ….Containing disparate or discordant elements or parts. It basically means saying one thing and doing another or your mouth and body are doing two different things.

What others are communicating:
In business we deal with people everyday who are communicating with us. The most prized client is the one who tells us they are going to do something AND THEY DO IT! Generally speaking, these people have a high level of congruency. It is a high level of congruency that maintains their success. No one has to call them multiple times to get a response. They take responsibility to follow up without prodding. They are never too busy to make that call and let you know when something changes. People do not have to guess the answers to their own questions because they are upfront about where they stand while maintaining rapport. Regardless of the outcome, everyone feels good about the interaction.

When someone says they are going to do something, we have been taught that people keep their word and that what they are saying is the truth. When they fail to do what they say, then what do we believe, the communication or the behavior? The behavior. People’s true intentions are demonstrated through their behavior. As much as we want to believe people and give them the benefit of the doubt, the real communication is their behavior. I know that I have fallen for this in my 22 official years in business. I want to believe that people have the best intentions and when they tell me that they will do something and then don’t do it, for whatever reason, it starts to dismantle the trust in the relationship. Both sides start feeling bad. No one wants to maintain a relationship that makes us feel bad.

What you are communicating:
The flip side of this coin is what are you communicating? Are you congruent in your behavior? When you tell someone you will do something, do you follow through? In the many years of teaching NLP, I have found that the most congruent people are the ones who are most successful in business and their personal relationships.
Congruency means that you are doing what you are saying you are doing.

For example, as a profession:
When you help someone invest money, you also invest wisely. You save consistently and you maintain control over your finances. You pay your debts.
When you help someone get control of their physical well being and weight, you maintain a healthy physique and eat a balanced, healthy diet.
When you consul someone to help them with some problem, you get professional help when you yourself need it.
As a decorator, you home is beautiful and is the best representation of what you do to help others with their home.
(My own) As a trainer and educator, I keep up with my own growth and take training to improve my skills. I use NLP in my personal as well as business relationships. I know the presuppositions by rote and engage them when appropriate. I use the outcome frame consistently.
People do look for people to help them who are congruent. CONGRUENCY SETS UP TRUST. People who trust you will do business with you if it is appropriate for them. If people do not trust you, they will not do business with you.

In personal relationships:
Trust is extremely important in maintaining healthy relationships.
When you say you will call, you call.
When you say you will do something with your child, you do it. Putting off those appointments destroys child-parent trust. Then they may learn not to trust other adults.
When a person forms agreements with someone, they keep them. If they have to change it, they take responsibility to inform of changes and make another agreement.

Ignoring agreements and commitments makes a person highly incongruent. Incongruous behavior will not support success long term especially when agreements are ignored. They think they have gone away, but the energy of the incongruent behavior lingers like a cloud. If a person break agreements often enough, they are conning people. They are telling people what they want to hear but don’t follow up. They think they are getting away with something but eventually it catches up with them.

Incongruent behavior is tantamount to LYING. Lying becomes a habit. Liars do not prosper.

Here are some of the ways people create distrust and destroy their own success:
• Talk about family values as being prized while having an affair outside marriage.
• Tell someone you don’t want to get married and then dump them and marry someone else.
• Tell someone you don’t have the money for something and then spend a greater amount of money on something else.
• Treat strangers better than you do your own family.
• Form agreements, then ignore them.
• Don’t pay or ignore your debts.
• Say you will call, then forget to follow up.
• You are not accountable. Make a commitment, then don’t follow through.
• A minister or preacher who tells their parishioners how to live a Godly life, while doing the opposite.
• You ask for an opinion and then get mad when they don’t tell you what you want to hear.
• You join a group, then never attend.
• Don’t think that your personal life and business life are separate. They are in a system and affect each other. I talked to a banker who said that she and her husband treat each other like they would their customers. They have a great marriage and very successful businesses.
• Cheating the government is the same as cheating yourself. You may think it doesn’t matter but all cheating no matter how justified weakens the fabric you are made of.
The list goes on and on.

We are human beings and as such there are things we all have some incongruous behavior because none of us are perfect. There are simple things that we can do to be congruent develop and maintain trust in people. Trust builds mutually beneficial relationships.

• Always tell the truth. If you are not interested in someone personal or business, tell them. You’ll both feel better for it and you can save them the time and effort it takes to win you as a client. I think people lie to people because they want to avoid confrontation or think they are hurting someone. The far greater hurt is to string someone along.
• Ask for what you want and then be ok with what you get. If you ask for feedback and the feedback is not what you wanted to hear, don’t get upset and blame the other person. If you want feedback, be prepared to listen and accept it. After all, you are only asking for someone’s map.
• If you have money problems, hit it head on. Avoiding it will not make it go away. The sooner it is dealt with, the sooner you can move on with your life. I’ve known people who have paid off hundreds of thousands of dollars. It didn’t happen overnight, put contacting your creditors and making arrangements and following through with the arrangement is the best medicine for good mental and financial health.
• Instead of asking your husband if you look ok, which usually comes from not feeling 100% sure yourself, say, “I’m not feeling 100% with this outfit or my size (or whatever it is). Could you help me by giving me some feedback? I’m willing to listen to what you have to say.” AND THEN LISTEN AND BE OK. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.
• If someone is complaining to you, ask if they want you to help them solve it or just listen.
• If you are feeling resentment, figure out what you did to cause it. Resentment is usually caused by unmet expectations.
• Know yourself and be willing to look at the behavioral feedback you are getting. Do something if appropriate.
• Tell people up front what you expect. For years I would go into my hairdresser and think she is the expert and she would know best. Then I would be upset when I didn’t like what she did. Excuse me? You should be your own expert on you. Tell people what you want. You’ll have a higher probability of getting it. If you truly don’t know, then rely on their expertise and accept what they give you.
• Offer compliments when you mean them.
• Avoid making observations without some compliment. Saying, “Oh, you changed your hair” is not affirming to the other person. It is ambiguous, can be unsettling to the other person and may also cause the loss of rapport. Tell the person, “I like what you did to your hair or I like how your hair is done.” If you don’t like it, keep your mouth shut.
• Be authentic. If you try to hide your insecurities it comes off as insecure. If you are out of rapport with yourself, it will come off as incongruent.
• If you screw up, admit it.
• If you don’t know, say so.

Remember, a commitment is your word and you are only as good as you make it. A little extra time spent can make a big difference in building trust in relationships and a congruent life filled with satisfaction, success and great friends.

Contagious Behavior

"Lie Down With Dogs, Get Up With Fleas": How our communities- of choice, birth, and chance - both form and inform us.

Remember how Mom used to tell you to choose your friends wisely. Gurus advise their devotees to form "sanghas" or spiritual communities. Now science has put some very precise numbers and reasoning behind these aphorisms and advice.

It's been said in NLP for decades that with sufficient rapport you can get almost anyone to do almost anything. The meta-message was that rapport was perhaps the easiest and most common form of manipulation.

Here's a fascinating study of the power of unconscious rapport, how it shapes and influences behavior over time both in individuals and groups.

Based on the famous 50 year Framingham study (originally done to track heart disease in a long term population) fascinating evidence is being found that behaviors are 'contagious' within a social network.

"Obesity was only the beginning. Over the next year, the sociologist and the political scientist continued to analyze the Framingham data, finding more and more examples of contagious behavior. Smoking, they discovered, also appeared to spread socially in fact, a friend taking up smoking increased your chance of lighting up by 36 percent, and if you had a three-degrees-removed friend who started smoking, you were 11 percent more likely to do the same. Drinking spread socially, as did happiness and even loneliness. And in each case ones individual influence stretched out three degrees before it faded out.

They termed this the three degrees of influence rule about human behavior: "We are tied not just to those around us, but to others in a web that stretches farther than we know."

Full article here: Are your friends making you fat?
So, you want to be happy? Find happy people and hang out with them.

With permission by Tom Dotz