I can still hear Mick Jagger singing this.  Time is something many people seem to need more of even though everyone has the same amount of time.  What is different about individuals who seem to have enough time to accomplish things and those who are struggle with getting things done in the allotted time?  There is a difference. Some would say that some people are more organized and they get more done.  Organization does help.   However what makes a person more organized?  Or how does a person manage to take twice as long as another person to do the same thing?  When people call me and say I want to take a ‘Time Management’ class (there is no such thing), I wonder if they really know what they are asking for.

First, People do not manage time.  From the start, people who want to be better time managers are already asking for the impossible, which is why they never seem to accomplish time management.  Consider the expression: Time got away from me (as if Time was on a leash and managed to break free).  Time doesn’t get away from people.  People plan to do too much in too little time.  They don’t know how long something takes or make an error in estimating how long something will take.  So if your idea is to manage Time, you are already on the losing side of the proposition. Time cannot be managed.  Time just IS.  Time is a concept; it doesn’t really exist.

Second, Time shifts (or gets distorted) depending on your focus and concentration.  Were you ever so engrossed in something that time that time flew by?  Consider that phrase: Time flew by (as if Time were a bird).  Time does not have wings. Although I’ve seen pictures of a clock with wings, a metaphor for the phrase, time flies.   Or consider: I lost track of time (as if Time were something you could focus on continually and watch like a child on the play ground).  Or what about when you were bored, time goes by so slowly?  Time stands still.

All of the above linguistic metaphors assign characteristics to Time that do not exist.  Remember Time is a concept.  So Time cannot be managed, fly, stand still, get off track.  So managing Time is an oxymoron.  This is why people have such a hard time managing it.

So what are we left with?  Of course, what to do in Time.  How can I manage the activities in the Time allotted?  Here are some concepts in NLP to help understand Time.

Our minds organize Time in certain ways.  Imagine that all of your experiences in your life is lined up end to end in a ‘TimeLine’.                                              

Now, how much space is between each experience?  Is there a lot of space or a little?

                                                                                                                 Or  How do you think organizing your experiences each way affects your ability to accomplish things?

If your mind organizes experiences with spaces between do you think it will take more time to do something or less?  Remember, everyone has the same amount of Time.

Consider your position on the TimeLine.  Where is your past and where is your future?  Does your TimeLIne run through you from front to back with your future in front of you and your past behind you?  That is called In Time.  Or are you off the TimeLine and see your past present and future sweep from left to right so you can see all of your TimeLine.  This is called Through Time.

Which do you think is better for getting things finished in a specified amount of time?  In Time tends to be more event driven with Time in-between where nothing is happening. Very good when you have a list of things to do.  Through Time tends to be process driven.  See the whole process through time.  Very good when you are learning something or building something.  People who want to lose weight.  Will they be more successful being In Time or Through Time?  Through Time because losing weight is a Through Time process.  It is not an event.  When people are event driven in weight loss, they tend to get discouraged everyday they don’t lose a pound or eat the improper diet and they quit before they accomplish their goal.  People who are mainly Through Time tend not be as conscientious about keeping precise Time. They may be late to things. They think they have all the Time in the World.  When you are In Time, you tend to be more punctual.  There are times when we want to be In Time and times when we want to be Through Time.

Consider the phrase: No Time, as in I’ll be in and out in No Time.  This is the language that my trainer used when your partner asked her how long it would take to go the bank.  When in fact, the trip to the bank took 1 hour.  Do you think she was able to accomplish things on Time?

Another structural issue is how your mind stores information in certain contexts.  In contexts that you are very organized, experiences (pictures) are usually stored sequentially so you can look at them one at a time.   When things are chaotic, the experiences are stored simultaneously like in a collage.  You cannot focus on anyone thing and tend to get confused.

The final concept to consider is whether you tend to follow procedures or do you enjoy generating options and possibilities.  If the procedure is effective and energy saving, following it can get a lot of things finished.  If the procedure is inadequate, then it will take more time than you need to take and you may not realize that the procedure is not working.  The whole focus is finishing the procedure, not the results of the procedure.  Option generators tend to bounce from one thing to another without finishing things.  Making a list is like following a procedure.  If you don’t like following procedures, then you probably don’t exercise, follow a diet plan, make consistent money, or get things done.  And the list ends up underneath the seat of your car.

So how can you be better managers of activities? 

1.       Make sure that what you are wanting to accomplish is achievable in the Time allotted.  This means you will have to have a good estimate of how long something will take.  If it is the first time you’ve done something, ask a variety of people who have and get an estimate.

2.       Make sure that your task is connected to your values and over all achievements.  In other words, ask yourself, what will doing this do for me or get me?  What is important to me about doing this?  What will it get me long term or through time.  Is it worthwhile? Goals that are connected to higher criteria or values tend to get priority.

3.       Prioritize the importance of something.  Separate items into “critical function’ and ‘like to accomplish.’  This will help you naturally help you prioritize.  When I worked at Mobil, I had three boxes in front of me on my desk.  ‘A’ box where things I had to get finished because my job depended on it or there was a deadline attached to it.  This is where I have to be In Time.   ‘B’ box was ‘get to later’ because they weren’t critical, like reorganizing a file cabinet.  This is more Through Time.   I could do this a little at a time until it was finished.  ‘C’ box was ‘hold and eventually throw out.’  I went on vacation 4 times a year and before I closed my office door I would take everything in the ‘C’ box and toss in the waste basket.  Nothing was ever said about items in that box.  Most of the items were time wasters and not critical to the function of my department or anyone in it.

4.       Take a critical look on priority list.  Is it critical that everything be finished right now?  In other words, what do you absolutely need to do in the allotted time?  This is where prioritizing becomes critical.  Ever have a list of ‘must dos’ before going on vacation?  I do.  I catch myself having to think, ‘ I could do this and get this finished and take these clothes to be donated.’  When in fact, with the time allotted there are much more pressing matters that HAVE to be taken care of, like calling the dog sitter, watering plants (although in a pinch, I could get the dog sitter to do it).  Consciously considering each item helps you determine what  is CRITICAL for a successful operation and what is ‘like to do’.   What happens to people with more things to do than Time allotted is that they are using ‘lateral criteria’.  In other words, all of the tasks  carry the same weight.  When, in fact,  some things are more urgent than others.

5.       Determine how long it will take to do each item.  And be realistic.  Take into consideration traffic conditions and time of day if they are errands.  What can be done online?  Or calls you can make?  In NLP we call this CHUNKING.  To have a good organization strategy, you must be able to CHUNK appropriately.  Chunk a large job into smaller pieces or chunks and possible done at separate times. 

6.       Set boundaries with people.  if you have a goal then do not let others take time away from you with inappropriate priorities. Tell them you’ll get back with them later when your list isn’t as long.  Don’t answer the phone if you do not have time to deal with what it potentially might take.  For instance, answering the phone as you are leaving the office and you are going to be late.  That is what we have voice mail for.  Unless you are on call as a doctor or some other critical function (computer after hours tech), the phone call can wait. 

7.       Focus on one thing at a time.  Make yourself do it. And finish it before going on to the next thing.  I had a boss who wouldn’t let her assistant have anything on her desk except for what she was working on right now.  This kept distractions to the minimum.  In my practice I find many people get distracted by things that aren’t relevant and think they have to do more than they need to.  Being present is a key element in getting things accomplished..

8.       Use language, such as ‘I have plenty of time.’  As opposed to ‘I’m running out of time’ or ‘I don’t have enough time.’  Remember that Time is not a commodity; it is a concept.

9.       We  have these words that we used to motivate us.  in NLP they are called Modal Operators or Operating Modes.  Operating Modes are words such as NEED, HAVE TO, WANT TO ,OUGHT TO,  SHOULD, WOULD, And COULD.  They are attached to our motivation strategies.  Consider things that you do WITHOUT QUESTION.  Do you do them because you NEED TO, WANT TO, HAVE TO, SHOULD?  These words are critical in triggering action.  Now consider something you want to do but cannot motivate yourself to do it?  What do you tell yourself?  NEED TO, HAVE TO, SHOULD, etc.?  Generally you’ll find that the OPERATING MODE you use is different.  Your mind has the deep unconscious perception of what is critical and what is not.  There are a number of ways to get around this.

a.       Change your word to the word that you use for critical items.  If you do things out of need, then make what you want to do or should do a need to do.

b.      Shelve it until the time is right and it seems like accomplishing it is more appropriate. 

c.       Get it off your list and let go of it. It is like cleaning out your garage or closet.  It is just clutter in your mind and interferes with getting things done that are critical.  It can also make it seems like you are not getting what you want.

(NOTE: Be aware that rather ignorant but good intentioned people will tell you never use the words, NEED TO or SHOULD or HAVE TO, etc.  We are not talking about emotional content when referring to OPERATING MODES.   We are talking about structure and strategy.  It is the difference between comparing the wall color of paint and the 2x4’s that hold up the wall.  One is subjective; the other is objective.  I am talking about the structural use of these words as part of how we motivate ourselves and prioritize tasks.)

10.   Be procedural not options.  Everyone does procedures.  They are called routines. Develop a routine for organizing and prioritizing items on a list.  See no. 11 for procedure.

11.   Make a list on paper.  Unless you are trained in how to use memory pegs, you probably won’t remember everything on the list or have so many pictures flashing at you from inside your head trying to remember everything that you get panicky.  Make the written list. Check it often.  Cross things off.

So, here is the Cliff Notes version:

1. Time is a concept.  You cannot manage it.
2. You can learn to effectively organized activities in time by
1. Chunk in realistic chunks
2. Prioritize and remove things that aren’t critical to the function of the operation.
3. Make lists; Develop and follow procedures.
4. Know realistically how much time each item takes.
5. Set boundaries
6. Focus and be in the present; eliminate distractions.
7. Use appropriate language to move you toward your goals.
8. Be In Time or Through Time – event or process driven depending on the goal(s).
9. Get rid of and let go of the things that you honestly are not going to do because they are not a priority, not realistic, or you cannot afford.

Time management is one of the most over-used, least understood concepts.  It is not that we don’t manage time correctly.  It is how we manage activity in time.  And that has a lot to do with how we perceive time internally and how we structure time internally.  Our ability to focus, whether we are options or procedures, in time or through time (process or event driven),  what criteria we are applying to the task, the language we use around time in addition to whether we set goals which are achievable, ecological and appropriately ‘chunked’ (realistic).

Want to know more about running your own brain so you can be more confidence, productive, effective, creative, better with people, make great money and more in control of your world?  Classes start up in January, 2013.  Knowledge is power.

Did you know that the amount of money you make and keep is directly related to your thinking PATTERNS?  Not only will NLP help you become aware of those patterns but actually help you change them in very effective ways!

 

 

 

 

Seven Keys to Detecting Deception

 

Stan Walters will be coming to Dallas on Oct. 26-28 to teach how to detect deception and lying.

$994 Billion dollars a year — that’s what deception and fraud costs American businesses every year.  Everyone lies.  Those lies cost us money, relationships, happiness, time.  Bernie Madoff aside, we are bombarded with people deceiving us and we do not even know it because we do not have the skills to discern a few simple cues. 

According to Stan Walters there are seven keys to detecting lies in people:

1.    Constant: before you can identify any deception you must identify a person’s constant or normal behavior.  A person who lies is deviating or shifting from his/her normal constant when being deceptive.  The more familiar you are with a person’s regular communication the easier it is to interpret deception.  When making a determination about a public figure use interviews and avoids scripted or staged events such as commercials, political ads, speeches, or infomercials.

2.    Change: look for a new behavior or change in the person’s constant OR an existing behavior that stops or changes significantly.  The change is caused by stress associated with the deception.  Three ways a person will change: a new behavior not previously seen, an existing behavior will stop or the existing behavior has a significant change. Watch for timely changes in verbal or nonverbal behavior

3.    Clusters: a cluster of behaviors is more significant than a single, random behavior.  Human communication is a very complex array of verbal and nonverbal behavior each of which is responding to internal and external stimuli.  We cannot apply a single gesture to all people.  Multiple symptoms occurring at one moment when discussing a single issue can indicate a possibility of deception.

4.    Consistency: a consistent reaction to a specific issue can be a significant indicator of a lie.  For a period of time the subject keeps reacting to the same hot topic or issue.  You are not looking for the same changes every time.  Just that there are changes every time and that they arise in clusters.  When someone is evasive every time a subject comes up is an example.

5.    Preconceptions: Approach conversations with an open mind.  Observations or misconceptions based on preconceptions are not reliable.  Put aside preconceptions to be the best truth detector.  If you don’t, all you will see are the symptoms you are expecting to confirm what you already thought.

6.    Contamination: you are a stimulus and some of your behaviors can affect the behaviors and reactions of another person in a way that contaminates the accuracy of your observations.  In other words, your behavior has an impact on the situation you are observing.  What vibes are you giving off?  Remember, the other person is paying just as much attention to reading you as you are them.

7.    Cross-checking: before drawing any conclusions, it is necessary to review your observations and cross-check the data.  You cannot rely on ‘feelings’ to accurately determine deception.  Reviewing each step in your analysis is key to identifying dishonesty in people.

Do You Know When Someone is Deceiving you?

Every day we hear of someone being taken for money on some scheme or fraud.  How many marriages come apart over infidelity?  Every time I hear of that one I think, were they asleep?  How could a person not know their partner is having sex with someone else?  There are many myths surrounding lying.  I wrote about this in 2009.  (See the blogs on my website, The Lies about Lying.)  I recently took a class about detecting deception and interrogation designed for police officers and insurance fraud case workers.  It was eye opening!  Below are some things I learned.  By the way, Stan Walters is working on a program for business people and I’m bringing him to Dallas in the near future.  You will want to be there!  No NLP experience needed and it works hand in hand with NLP skills. Why do people lie? In Psychology Today, one article lists these 4 reasons: 1.     Reinforcement. The seeds of lying are planted and mature while people are in school. Desperate due to procrastination, heavy course loads, the need to work, students make a tiny foray into the world of the excuse-maker and liar. They aren't called on their "family emergency" by their instructor, so the next time they become more bold. Getting away with the excuse or lie strengthens their inclination to lie the next time. 2.     Memory distortions. The second reason is that lies and excuses build on each other and create their own reality. People who lie about their past tell one little story that doesn't seem "so bad." The next time, having told that story, it becomes part of their long-term memory. What psychologists call source memory, or our recall for where something happened to us, can be faulty, and we forget that we told that tiny fib. The fib becomes part of our long-term memory. We are also vulnerable to the planting of false memories. If I read a string of words to you such as "cake, candy, honey, sugar," and later ask you if the word "sweet" was in the list, the chances are good that you'll think it was. The sweet words in the list conjure up the category label and now it becomes part of your neural network. According to the cognitive explanation, then, lies and excuses build on each other and create their own supposed truthful memories. 3.     Protection of positive sense of identity. This less rational view our sense of self, or identity. People want to believe that they are ethical, honest, and morally upstanding. They will go through all sorts of mental shenanigans to maintain this view, even when their behavior is in direct conflict with "reality." Rather than admit that they lied, cheated, or worse, they twist the facts around so that, in their minds, they didn't. It's not consistent with your identity as an honest person to admit that you made up an excuse, so rather than do this, you start to believe in the excuse. Or you might use that famous defense mechanism known as "projection" in which you attribute the blame to someone else.” 4.     Self-serving biases. Social psychologists point out that we one set of guidelines to evaluate ourselves and another to evaluate others. In line with the identity explanation, the way we evaluate ourselves is pretty lax. We'll blame the situation, not ourselves, when we make excuses or lie. But catch someone else in a lie- that's a different story. This person is bad, morally defective, and someone we should avoid at all costs if not penalize. This process, known as the "fundamental attribution error" (does this bring back memories of your intro psych class?), is an important one in the excuse-making, lying, and even procrastination literature.” So we know people lie.  How can we detect it?  Most of us have been fibbed to.  We missed it  because we weren’t trained to detect when a person is lying. These are a few tidbits from the class I took with Stan: Stan Walters teaches there are different forms of lying: Omission (withholding the truth) and Embellishment (altering or changing the truth).  Omission is much harder to detect than embellishment.  He says people lie to avoid punishment, perceived reward, or fear of the unknown.  Symptoms of lying are all of the result of internal conflicts or incongruence and appear for the following reasons: 1.     Guilt about lying 2.     Joy of lying (getting away with it) 3.     Fear of being discovered Deceptive behaviors are diagnosed in clusters and NOT individually. There is no single behavior, verbal or non-verbal, that proves truth or deception .  (No, you cannot tell if a person is lying by watching their eyes!)  Clusters of lying behaviors appear two or more at the same time:  verbal-verbal, verbal-nonverbal, or nonverbal-nonverbal. Before you can detect deception, you must have a baseline of the person’s normal behavior.  This establishes a reference point which can be used to notice changes from that baseline. Signs of stress are often misunderstood as signs of lying.  Just because a person shows signs of stress doesn’t mean they are being deceptive  Individuals under stress can exhibit 5 different responses: anger, depression, denial, bargaining, and acceptance.  Forms of stress: general (experienced in uncomfortable situations), incriminating (generated by both truthful and deception people), discriminators (cues that are more likely to pinpoint moments of lying).  Other stress cues include stuttering, stammering, mumbling, pausing, para-linguistic cues, like ‘ah’, ‘uh’s, ‘er’s,’ whew, tsk, groans, moans, whistling, growling, nervous laugh and sighs. Anger, presence or absence of it, does not indicates deception or truthfulness. Verbal cues are usually the easiest to detect.  Body language is the most difficult to interpret and has a higher rate of error. Here are some cues which may indicate deception WHEN DISCUSSING CRITICAL AREAS: 1.     Memory lapses – can’t remember, can’t recall, not sure, no recollection 2.     Denial flag expressions: ‘you aren’t going to believe this’, honestly, really, trust me, believe me, truthfully, seriously, frankly, I couldn’t lie, straight up, off the record, just between us, truthfully speaking, I have no reason to lie, to be 100% honest 3.     Key weighted expressions: by the way, one more thing, incidentally 4.     Modifiers: possibly, rarely, usually, almost sometime, basically, essentially are a few of the modifiers 5.     Guilt phrases: unsolicited remarks by a subject that indicated inner guilt: indicates that everyone is blaming them, admits appearance of guilt. 6.     Blocking statements: “Why would I….?”  “How could anyone in their right mind get involved in something like this?”  are examples. 7.     Simple stalling tactics: ask a question with a question (used a lot by politicians), repeat question verbatim, cough, clear throat, pretends not to understand. 8.     Surgical denial: The deceiver usually denies allegations in specific terms; the truthful deny accusations in general terms. And this list goes on.  REMEMBER, IN AND OF THEMSELVES, THE ABOVE DOESN’T INDICATE DECEPTION. Only when in clusters and compared to a person’s baseline. I’ll have more on this subject later, HONESTLY! Look for the announcement for the class on deception in the newsletter, on my website or email.

It Takes More Than Knowledge to be a Great Teacher

I’ve been teaching NLP and a number of other disciplines for almost 25 years. I’ve taken a lot of classes on various subjects from post masters NLP training to pilates. I’ve watched and experienced superb teachers and abysmal ones. Below is a compilation of what I’ve learned about training expertise and plain old practical knowledge.
The best teachers….

1. Have knowledge of their subject and keep updated in the subject. They take classes in their subject from other experts
2. Teach to the class. This means that the teacher assesses (by asking questions and getting a intuitive feel for the participants) the level of understanding and teaches to that level
3. Watch their students while teaching to get visual and verbal feedback that what they are teaching is being understood.
4. Pace their students to enhance learning after taking in verbal and visual feedback. Too much material or too fast causes anxiety and stress responses in students. Too slow or not enough material causes boredom.
5. Will challenge the students to go beyond where they are now but not so far beyond that it causes the students to become discourage.
6. Knows that skill learning takes place through repetition, practice and understanding 
7. Know that learning is progressive and procedural. When introducing new concepts, reminding students that they already know how to do part of the new process and making certain that there is a step by step procedure will help students gain confidence as they learn 
8. Know that when shifting paradigms, the student cannot learn if they are comparing the new paradigm to something they already know. 
9. Demonstrate their ability to teach in all sensory channels – visual, auditory and kinesthetic. Therefore, the teacher must be open on all sensory channels. 
10. Know that talking over students’ heads to impress them with knowledge fosters discouragement. 
11. Know that pacing students present model of the world will help lead them into expanding that model or changing to a new more empowering model. 
12. Know that acknowledging progress, no matter how little, encourages a student to learn more. 
13. Know to praise the effort being made. This produces mastery of material.
14. Know that there must be a balance between challenge and skill to produce a flow in learning.
15. Knows review is a powerful learning tool if done a week after the introduction to new material. 
16. Have the basic presuppositions: People are learning systems, they are designed to develop and improve, they are designed to communicate and they are hard-wired for success.
17. Demonstrate what they are teaching! Teaching a skill is not imparting data. Students naturally model their teachers. In order to do something with skill, the teacher must be able to behaviorally demonstrate the skill. 
18. Foster a ‘can do’ mind set. 
19. Understands the learning process and if teaching adults, adult learning models.
20. Knows that practice makes perfect only if you practice perfectly. Bad training can lead to bad learning and misunderstanding and stifling of skills 
21. Tells relevant stories to give examples of knowledge taught
22. Is always patient and keep a sense of humor
23. Is more concerned with the quality of material rather than the amount 
24. Is organized and clear about their outcomes for teaching and plans ahead
25. Has more than enough to present
26. Can be creative in developing (on the spot) new material to help with the learning process.
27. Is resourceful and stays in a resourceful state regardless of what happens while teaching. Never gets angry or inappropriately emotional with a student or singles out a student in a derogatory way.
28. Sets boundaries at the beginning of the class and throughout class. Is always in control of the class
29. Maintains rapport with students
30. Never makes a student wrong but lets them discover their own learning
31. Says, “I don’t know”, if they don’t and is ok with it.
32. Loves to hear, “Oh, I’ve never thought of it that way!”
33. Train like they will never master it.
34. Respect their students
35. Are aware of their hand gestures and use them to encourage participation.
36. Follow a procedure and are consistent
37. Love teaching

Here are some guidelines which I wrote for the mentor program at the Dallas Camera Club. These apply to any teaching situation:


• Be Patient and keep a sense of humor.
• Keep instructions positive ('do this' rather than 'don't do this')
• Avoid jargon - or if you can't then explain them and better still provide a written glossary
• Be prepared to adapt the pace according to the performance
• Encourage, and be kind and thoughtful - be accepting of mistakes, and treat them as an opportunity for you both to learn from them
• Focus on accomplishment and progress - recognition is the fuel of development
• Offer praise generously


• Prepare the trainee - take care to relax them as lots of people find learning new things stressful
• Explain the job/task, skill, project, etc - discuss the method and why; explain standards and why; explain necessary tools, equipment or systems
• Provide a demonstration - step-by-step - the more complex, the more steps - people cannot absorb a whole complicated task all in one go - break it down - always show the correct way - accentuate the positive - seek feedback and check understanding
• Have the trainee practice the job - we all learn best by actually doing it - ('I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand' - Confucius)
• Monitor progress - give positive feedback - encourage, coach and adapt according to the pace of development

Guidelines for Students and Mentees:
• Be clear and organized about the help you want before contacting a mentor; be clear about what you want to do or how taking a training or class will improve your life
• Participate in class by asking relevant questions. Avoid taking class time to tell about your experience unless specifically asked. Avoid teaching from your seat.
• Be respectful of others’ time in class room
• Turn phones off and off of the table. Never spend class time while someone is teaching to check phones and other technology not relevant to the class
• Take responsibility for your own learning experience by practicing what you are learning
• Use several teachers/mentors – each may have valuable techniques they can teach you
• realize that if they cannot answer you promptly that they are busy with other concerns
• Know that if a mentor indicates that he/she cannot help you at the moment of your call that it is not personal
• Never address problems with the class in front of the class. Have a personal conversation ‘offline’.

See my Guide to Good Training on my websitehttp://www.nlptrainingconcepts.com/ under RESOURCES

What People Might Not Know About Grief

This article is about any loss. Lately several of my friends have lost pets; a few have lost jobs. Some of you remember the article I wrote in 2009 about the complicated relationship with my mother. The reason I would even talk about this in a public forum is because I, as an NLP Trainer, encourage my clients to heal the relationships they have with their family members, if at all possible. Because for me, success equals balance, having out-of-balance relationships may not support us getting what we want in other areas of our lives. NLP is a methodology of communication. Integration of the model is to be able to use it anywhere with anyone because an elegant communicator is who you are not what you do.

In December, my mother passed away after a 5 year decline with Alzheimer’s. It was a difficult time for our family. Today, I still think I should call her at those times when I would always call her. I did not realize that it would leave such a hole in my life. I know of many of my close friends have lost parents. They seem to live through it and move on. I am finding out for many the loss of a parent represents a significant loss some may never really heal.
I have discovered as I have gone though my own research and grieving process some things some of you might find helpful:

1. Grief is an emotion associated with loss. This means any loss: job, person, pet, situation in life, possessions.

2. Grief is not something that follows a set of steps as put forth by Elisabeth Kϋbler Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, in 1969. Although people may go through the stages identified by her, people react differently to the loss of someone or something.

3. From an NLP perspective, grief has a very specific structure. It is a dissociated internal picture one holds inside their head. The person pictures themselves with that which is lost and they cannot have it/them anymore. The internal picture may also be foggy, veiled, dark, or misty and defocused. Example: we see ourselves with the deceased person (dissociated). Picture may be blurred, dark with little color. (This may not be exactly the same for each person.)


4. When grief is resolved, the internal picture becomes associated with the person picturing that which was lost by itself/themselves. People feel the lost person or thing as present, as if they are always with them. People typically recall the lost person as happy and healthy and remember the great characteristics of this person. Think of someone or something for which you used to grieve but now feel their presence. What internal picture do you bring up most often? Notice the quality of the picture. Usually it is a picture of the person by themselves and the picture brings with it good feelings as if the person were still there. Example: we remember the person as healthy and happy and associated as if they are with us.

5. Grief is not something to take lightly and disregard as unnecessary. Lengthy unresolved grief (felt or not) can lead to emotional and physical problems.

6. The length of grieving time is not important. What is important that a person gives themselves sufficient time to work through the loss and feel the person’s presence.
7. Talk to someone who is professionally trained. It is worth the money and may significantly shorten downtime.

The above information I am familiar with because I have helped people resolve their grief issues for years. For one person it was their grandmother; another, it was the loss of their home country.
The following are things that I did not know. My dear friend Kathy Cameron Russell, a spiritual counselor, and her husband, Tim, an estate planning attorney have noticed some consistent characteristics in people who are grieving whether they are tearful or not.

1. When a parent of a large family dies, it is much more significant than what one would think regardless of the amount of input the deceased person had in family matters. The death of a parent is a major passing in one’s life and not to be taken lightly regardless of the nature of the relationship a person had with the deceased person

2. Grief is extended if there is no funeral or memorial service. The funeral is not for the deceased person; it if part of the healing process for the people left behind. (Note: Kathy said that we as individual family members would resolve our grief faster by having our own individual memorials. So far there has been no resolution for my mother’s passing.)

3. Grief shows up in many different forms. It not just crying and feeling sad. Some people make irrational decisions, become flighty, make impulse buys and spend a lot of money, become crabby and hard to get along with, withdraw, dissatisfied with some or all of their life or become argumentative or resentful.

4. Any change in our normal demeanor or an increase in intensity of emotional patterns: victimhood, intense feeling of unfairness, melancholy, an increase in isolation or getting immersed in activity to keep busy, health issues, being impatient are all signs of grief.

5. Kathy and Tim have watched families, especially large ones like the one I am in, make really stupid decisions about money and relationships during times of grief.

6. It is best not to make ANY big decisions for at least a YEAR after a major person in a family passes. (parent, sibling, child, spouse).

7. Have your parents (or you yourself) make plans ahead of time: leave a will, power of attorney, living will, etc. Let someone know where documents are. Leave in writing what is to be done with certain items in your house. A good probate, estate planning lawyer can help you with this.

8. Make plans for your funeral. No one in grief wants to decide about the particulars of the
memorial/funeral service. I know you will not be there but make it easier on the folks who are left. No one wants to deal with their own death but everyone will have to face it. Be responsible and take care of these things ahead of time as your last act of kindness

I know for myself, I began wanting to paint my house, inside and out, change my investments and even my investment advisor. I felt disconnected from the rest of my family and my significant other whose behaviors I started to find unacceptable. In other words, I was over threshold in many areas of my life. After my conversation with Kathy, I realized most of what was going on stemmed from the loss of my mother. So I decided to ride it out and sit still. So far it has been a good plan.

Bottom line: Avoid making any big money decisions right after a big loss or any big decision PERIOD. This includes vacations, trips, investments, clothing, household goods, cars, houses. Often, loss will create turbulence in a person’s life. Doing frantic activity will not make the turbulence stop. It only makes it worse. Then there is a danger that chaos will ensue. The best way to stabilize is to do nothing; leave things as they are. Continue your life as you always have. Later when your life has smoothed out and you can see life as better again, then look at the changes you think are appropriate.

See www.nlptrainingconcepts.com blog section for full details of article.
CONTACT US
phone 214-351-5433

www.nlptrainingconcepts.com


Susan Stageman, M. A., President
NLP Training Concepts, LLC
susan@nlptrainingconcepts.com

Check out our website at www.nlptrainingconcepts.com. for schedules, locations, and other classes.

Are you ignoring clues to success?

When the practitioner students and I were up at Stony Ranch for the Ropes course in November, we witnessed an interesting phenomenon. Stony Ranch has numerous animals and birds: miniature horses, goats, guinea hens and one peacock. This story is about the guinea hens. Right before the barn there is a fenced field holding the horses. It is rather large field enclosed by an iron fence. The fence is 6 feet high except for the gate which is 4 feet high.

As it so happened that day, the group of guineas was gathered at the fence by the gate. Two of the guineas flew up over the top of the gate and landed inside the field. The rest of the guineas looked on. For the rest of our observation time, the remaining flock of the guineas saw the other two inside the field and tried to find a way to get inside the fence with the other hens by (get this, instead of easily flying over the shorter gate) running hurriedly along the 6 foot fence away from the gate and eventually turning the corner of the fence and traveling up the far side of the field along the fence. Of course, they were never going to find an opening in the fence so they were relegated to the outside of the field while their mates were inside the field. The hens’ behavior gave a new meaning to the phrase, ‘bird brain.’

The irony of the behavior of the guinea hens struck me immediately. People behave in very much this same way. The majority of people act like the majority of the guineas. They watch what a small minority do to be successful and then choose to do something different. They think that they can get the same outcome by doing it differently but end up with a life of difficulty and struggle. They watch as others get what they want but somehow foolishly think that what they are doing will work and ignore the clues to success.

Here are the points:
• If what you are doing up until now has not yielded your goals, you may not get there by doing the same thing as you are now.
• If you do not have a clear outcome, you will not get what you want. In fact, being disappointed in your life only means that you have some expectation that is not being met. So you do have outcomes, they are not well defined.
• If you continue to do more of what doesn’t work, you will continue to get the same results.
• Large goals are the progressive realization of smaller goals.
• You have to continually monitor your thoughts to keep them in the direction you want to go.
• NLP studies what highly successful and effective people do, regardless of career or situation. NLP studies patterns of behavior, communication and language, and learning strategies. Most people get caught up in content. It is the patterns that have the clues, not the content.
• If you want stellar success and you are not addicted to mediocrity, you have to study what success is and what successful people do. If it doesn’t come naturally, then you’ll have to study what works.
• Success is not random, nor is it luck. Successful people have beliefs and values that support their behaviors.
• Successful people are great modelers of other successful people. They use people as guides. It is a waste of time and resources to “reinvent the wheel.”
• Successful people are mindful and pay attention to the correlation between their thoughts, behaviors, and actions.
• Successful people are curious.
• Successful people are risk takers.
• Successful people do not generally care that others will think they are crazy or stupid. They do what they think will work.
• Most successful people are not arrogant. They have an inner self assurance and self confidence.
• Successful people are not afraid to fail because they look at failure as feedback.
• Successful people find the ways to make it work and don’t make excuses for why they cannot do/have something.
• Successful people don’t get stuck in the “it’s the way it is or it is the way I am.”
• Successful people do not consider spending money on their own development as a loss. They consider it an investment in their future.
• Successful people compete on value not price
• Successful people use things and value people; most people use people and value things.
• Successful people receive help gratefully along the way.
2012 is rapidly approaching. Remember that if you value something you’ll find a way to make it work. If not, you’ll find an excuse.

How to change your experience:
1. Get curious
2. Change what you spend money on
3. Invest in yourself and your knowledge and skill
4. Study successful models; Choose one
5. Get help and hire an expert guide to help you AND take their advice.
6. Be fearless and take calculated risks

My brilliant friend and coach, Steve Straus, once said, “I spent years doing an inadequate job with cheap tools. I found that when I invested in better engineered tools (that cost more money) that the job took half the time and I did a much better job.” There is a reason why something cost more. A tool is skill whether it be used to mow the lawn or sell a product or service or invest money. Spend the money on what will count to get stellar results. You’ll be a lot happier and get a lot more of what you want.

In the Treasure Board workshop on January 12th we’ll discuss the 3 peak principles of high achievers and how to set goals so that they will happen. Essential Mind Power Training (Jan. 20-22) (developed from 50 years of mind research) helps you develop the skills to use your mind to create the success you want while developing your intuition. NLP Level 1 teaches you the skills to expertly and successfully communicate with anyone. Leadership Practitioner teaches you the skills to get clear about what you want and get out of your own way. Mastery gives you the skills to manage every aspect of your life and communicate like the most persuasive and influential people in the world. Are you ready to leave the flock and fly with the eagles?

What is your behavior communicating?

Last night, I watched Masterpiece Contemporary. In one scene, a 22 year old daughter asks her dad what he thought of her artwork. Her father replied his truth…that her art demonstrated despair, (which, in my opinion it did.) Her father then said, “If this is coming from inside of you, you must feel this despair and this makes me, as your father, upset because you feel this way. If this isn’t how you feel inside, then you are a fake.” Then the daughter got angry at her father and told him to get away from her and leave her alone.

Point: I got to thinking how incongruent this was. Ask someone for their opinion, then get angry at what they said and reject the person. Hummm….if she didn’t want the truth and value her dad’s opinion enough to ask for it, then why did she ask? She got her answer. And it was the truth. She was feeling despair. I suppose blaming other person and getting angry was showing her desperation. This is a prime example of incongruent behavior. Consider your behavior as your own personal artwork. What is your artwork telling the world?
One of the presuppositions of NLP is “Behavior is the highest form of communication. “ Most people have experienced some form of someone telling us one thing and then doing another. It is the ol’ “You are talking so loud I can’t hear what you are saying.” “Practice what you preach.” The human mind is much more capable of understanding what it is seeing than what it is hearing.

There are two sides to consider when faced with incongruous behavior.
1. What do I do when someone is telling me one thing and doing another?
2. What is my behavior telling someone when I say one thing and then do another?
In either case you are dealing with incongruous behavior. Incongruous behavior undermines your business and your personal life.

Incongruent means incompatible with (what is suitable) or inappropriate. ….Containing disparate or discordant elements or parts. It basically means saying one thing and doing another or your mouth and body are doing two different things.

What others are communicating:
In business we deal with people everyday who are communicating with us. The most prized client is the one who tells us they are going to do something AND THEY DO IT! Generally speaking, these people have a high level of congruency. It is a high level of congruency that maintains their success. No one has to call them multiple times to get a response. They take responsibility to follow up without prodding. They are never too busy to make that call and let you know when something changes. People do not have to guess the answers to their own questions because they are upfront about where they stand while maintaining rapport. Regardless of the outcome, everyone feels good about the interaction.

When someone says they are going to do something, we have been taught that people keep their word and that what they are saying is the truth. When they fail to do what they say, then what do we believe, the communication or the behavior? The behavior. People’s true intentions are demonstrated through their behavior. As much as we want to believe people and give them the benefit of the doubt, the real communication is their behavior. I know that I have fallen for this in my 22 official years in business. I want to believe that people have the best intentions and when they tell me that they will do something and then don’t do it, for whatever reason, it starts to dismantle the trust in the relationship. Both sides start feeling bad. No one wants to maintain a relationship that makes us feel bad.

What you are communicating:
The flip side of this coin is what are you communicating? Are you congruent in your behavior? When you tell someone you will do something, do you follow through? In the many years of teaching NLP, I have found that the most congruent people are the ones who are most successful in business and their personal relationships.
Congruency means that you are doing what you are saying you are doing.

For example, as a profession:
When you help someone invest money, you also invest wisely. You save consistently and you maintain control over your finances. You pay your debts.
When you help someone get control of their physical well being and weight, you maintain a healthy physique and eat a balanced, healthy diet.
When you consul someone to help them with some problem, you get professional help when you yourself need it.
As a decorator, you home is beautiful and is the best representation of what you do to help others with their home.
(My own) As a trainer and educator, I keep up with my own growth and take training to improve my skills. I use NLP in my personal as well as business relationships. I know the presuppositions by rote and engage them when appropriate. I use the outcome frame consistently.
People do look for people to help them who are congruent. CONGRUENCY SETS UP TRUST. People who trust you will do business with you if it is appropriate for them. If people do not trust you, they will not do business with you.

In personal relationships:
Trust is extremely important in maintaining healthy relationships.
When you say you will call, you call.
When you say you will do something with your child, you do it. Putting off those appointments destroys child-parent trust. Then they may learn not to trust other adults.
When a person forms agreements with someone, they keep them. If they have to change it, they take responsibility to inform of changes and make another agreement.

Ignoring agreements and commitments makes a person highly incongruent. Incongruous behavior will not support success long term especially when agreements are ignored. They think they have gone away, but the energy of the incongruent behavior lingers like a cloud. If a person break agreements often enough, they are conning people. They are telling people what they want to hear but don’t follow up. They think they are getting away with something but eventually it catches up with them.

Incongruent behavior is tantamount to LYING. Lying becomes a habit. Liars do not prosper.

Here are some of the ways people create distrust and destroy their own success:
• Talk about family values as being prized while having an affair outside marriage.
• Tell someone you don’t want to get married and then dump them and marry someone else.
• Tell someone you don’t have the money for something and then spend a greater amount of money on something else.
• Treat strangers better than you do your own family.
• Form agreements, then ignore them.
• Don’t pay or ignore your debts.
• Say you will call, then forget to follow up.
• You are not accountable. Make a commitment, then don’t follow through.
• A minister or preacher who tells their parishioners how to live a Godly life, while doing the opposite.
• You ask for an opinion and then get mad when they don’t tell you what you want to hear.
• You join a group, then never attend.
• Don’t think that your personal life and business life are separate. They are in a system and affect each other. I talked to a banker who said that she and her husband treat each other like they would their customers. They have a great marriage and very successful businesses.
• Cheating the government is the same as cheating yourself. You may think it doesn’t matter but all cheating no matter how justified weakens the fabric you are made of.
The list goes on and on.

We are human beings and as such there are things we all have some incongruous behavior because none of us are perfect. There are simple things that we can do to be congruent develop and maintain trust in people. Trust builds mutually beneficial relationships.

• Always tell the truth. If you are not interested in someone personal or business, tell them. You’ll both feel better for it and you can save them the time and effort it takes to win you as a client. I think people lie to people because they want to avoid confrontation or think they are hurting someone. The far greater hurt is to string someone along.
• Ask for what you want and then be ok with what you get. If you ask for feedback and the feedback is not what you wanted to hear, don’t get upset and blame the other person. If you want feedback, be prepared to listen and accept it. After all, you are only asking for someone’s map.
• If you have money problems, hit it head on. Avoiding it will not make it go away. The sooner it is dealt with, the sooner you can move on with your life. I’ve known people who have paid off hundreds of thousands of dollars. It didn’t happen overnight, put contacting your creditors and making arrangements and following through with the arrangement is the best medicine for good mental and financial health.
• Instead of asking your husband if you look ok, which usually comes from not feeling 100% sure yourself, say, “I’m not feeling 100% with this outfit or my size (or whatever it is). Could you help me by giving me some feedback? I’m willing to listen to what you have to say.” AND THEN LISTEN AND BE OK. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.
• If someone is complaining to you, ask if they want you to help them solve it or just listen.
• If you are feeling resentment, figure out what you did to cause it. Resentment is usually caused by unmet expectations.
• Know yourself and be willing to look at the behavioral feedback you are getting. Do something if appropriate.
• Tell people up front what you expect. For years I would go into my hairdresser and think she is the expert and she would know best. Then I would be upset when I didn’t like what she did. Excuse me? You should be your own expert on you. Tell people what you want. You’ll have a higher probability of getting it. If you truly don’t know, then rely on their expertise and accept what they give you.
• Offer compliments when you mean them.
• Avoid making observations without some compliment. Saying, “Oh, you changed your hair” is not affirming to the other person. It is ambiguous, can be unsettling to the other person and may also cause the loss of rapport. Tell the person, “I like what you did to your hair or I like how your hair is done.” If you don’t like it, keep your mouth shut.
• Be authentic. If you try to hide your insecurities it comes off as insecure. If you are out of rapport with yourself, it will come off as incongruent.
• If you screw up, admit it.
• If you don’t know, say so.

Remember, a commitment is your word and you are only as good as you make it. A little extra time spent can make a big difference in building trust in relationships and a congruent life filled with satisfaction, success and great friends.