Over Memorial Day weekend, I thought a lot about the men and women who give up their regular lives to go and fight overseas. Some of them never come back. Some of them come back and have a troubled time readjusting to their normal life again. These are the ones I'm concerned with.
I have an extraordinary talent for helping people. It is the only way that I could do what I do for the last 20 years. There are many skills and processes in NLP that can help these young men and women reorient into society faster and smoother. One of the special processes of NLP is the Trauma Process which can also be used for phobias. In about 15 minutes, sometime less, I can help a person rid themselves of the effects of trauma.
I have worked with many people over the years whose lives were crippled by emotional and physical trauma that were healed. They went on to lead happy, well-adjusted lives. Policemen and civilians who have been shot or in car accidents, people whose spouse died or left them suddenly, people who have been in airplane crashes and survived, people with post traumatic stress disorder. Many people don't realize that PTSD can be triggered by long term domestic violence or emotional trauma or losing someone suddenly.
And then I thought, well, if I can do this so well, why not help our service men and woman who are having a tough time back in the States. I hear of so many of these young men and woman who have marriage problems, nightmares, etc. It seems to me to be unnecessary suffering.
So, I am offering to any current or recently past military service personnel my services and classes free of charge. I am in Dallas, TX. Sometimes I can work with them on the phone doing coaching.
If you know of a service person who needs help, please send them my way.
Thanks.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
We Create the Response We are Eliciting
We create the response we are getting. This is one of the basic tenets of communication. I've worked with couples over the years. Here is some basics that I've discovered that happen when things start to go haywire between two people.
1. Each person has their own opinion of what the other person is doing and the truth is in the middle of the two sides. Neither side is the truth. It is my job as a NLP Practitioner to help the couple get clear about what they want and develop strategies to elicit that from their partners. In other words, if we want the other person to change, then we have to understand how we elicit the behavior in the other person and change what we are doing.
2. Changing what we are doing does not mean "do the opposite." Einstein said that we can't solve problems at the same level of thinking that created the problem. We have to change the thinking (and map) that created the behavior before we can do something effective. In NLP, it means to jump "neurological levels." We may need to develop a skill in order to do another behavior or change a belief or even see ourselves differently in the relationship.
3. Whatever you want in the relationship, you have to act that way. If you want commitment, you need to be committed and act committed. If you want someone to be considerate you have to be considerate. If you want this person to make time for you then you need to make time for them. Both people have needs and expectations that need to be met.
4. If you don't know how to switch perceptual positions and see the situation from an observer of the two people relating and also from the other person's view point, you will not have balanced healthy relationships. Seeing the other person's point of view and stepping out and seeing the two as an observer is a requisite skills for great communication.
5. Talking things out is great but there has to be some type of resolution or action plan that both people are going to commit to that will help change the situation. In other words, it is nobody's fault but both of you are contributing. Therefore both have to change. None of this, "you change; then I'll be happy." If you are waiting to be happy when someone changes, then you will never be happy. Your happiness is your responsibility. No one will ever fit all of your criteria.
6. If there are not enough criteria being met, respect and honor each other by getting out and moving on. Set boundaries and then keep them. I generally find that something does not work the second time for the same reasons it didn't work the first time. Everyone is different.
1. Each person has their own opinion of what the other person is doing and the truth is in the middle of the two sides. Neither side is the truth. It is my job as a NLP Practitioner to help the couple get clear about what they want and develop strategies to elicit that from their partners. In other words, if we want the other person to change, then we have to understand how we elicit the behavior in the other person and change what we are doing.
2. Changing what we are doing does not mean "do the opposite." Einstein said that we can't solve problems at the same level of thinking that created the problem. We have to change the thinking (and map) that created the behavior before we can do something effective. In NLP, it means to jump "neurological levels." We may need to develop a skill in order to do another behavior or change a belief or even see ourselves differently in the relationship.
3. Whatever you want in the relationship, you have to act that way. If you want commitment, you need to be committed and act committed. If you want someone to be considerate you have to be considerate. If you want this person to make time for you then you need to make time for them. Both people have needs and expectations that need to be met.
4. If you don't know how to switch perceptual positions and see the situation from an observer of the two people relating and also from the other person's view point, you will not have balanced healthy relationships. Seeing the other person's point of view and stepping out and seeing the two as an observer is a requisite skills for great communication.
5. Talking things out is great but there has to be some type of resolution or action plan that both people are going to commit to that will help change the situation. In other words, it is nobody's fault but both of you are contributing. Therefore both have to change. None of this, "you change; then I'll be happy." If you are waiting to be happy when someone changes, then you will never be happy. Your happiness is your responsibility. No one will ever fit all of your criteria.
6. If there are not enough criteria being met, respect and honor each other by getting out and moving on. Set boundaries and then keep them. I generally find that something does not work the second time for the same reasons it didn't work the first time. Everyone is different.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is approaching. I'm gathering recent pictures of the family from kids to great grandchildren - my mom has 4 now - and 6 grandchildren. I'm putting them in a little album to send to her instead of send another card or flowers. She doesn't want "stuff." She has enough stuff and at 84 she is try to get rid of stuff. When I told her yesterday that I would send a card, she said it wasn't necessary. She had saved all the cards that I've sent her over the years. That has to be close to 30 cards. She would take on out and read it again.
My mom is a very simple person. She doesn't want fluff or flower, candles or perfume. She loves cards and calls. That is why I thought the album would be perfect. We'll see.
When I was growing up, we didn't get along very well. In fact, she said that when I was born that I wouldn't even drink her milk. I must have realized instantly that I had made mistake being born to this woman. but I couldn't go back. The die was cast. I left home when I was 18 and never went back. Even during tough years as a young adult I would ignore her plea to move home and let her take care of me. (She is a Level 1 caretaker to the point of co-dependence.) But I didn't. I let her send me money from time to time because it made her feel good. She never wanted anything in return. My sister has stopped talking to her because she does not have the skills to understand our mother and not get hooked into her drama. My mother still sends her money. She thinks my sister has had a hard life, which she has. Much harder than mine.
I never appreciated my mother and what she stood for until years later when I was in my mid-forties. It took a lot of work using therapy, NLP processes, developing understanding and skills with which to deal with her. I realized that what ever she did or said, it wasn't personal. She is coming from her point of view.
NLP has taught me a lot about how to have relationships with difficult people, especially those people in our lives to whom we are related. We often expect them to behave in certain ways because they are family, yet we don't expect our friends to behave in the same ways. Somehow we hold our families to a higher standard and maybe we should. But after all, they are just people like everyone else.
At some point in my life, I began to appreciate my mother even though she has her problems and when I did that every thing between us changed. I began seeing what she brings to the table. After all, she is one of the only people in my life twho loves me unconditionally. I know that not all moms do that or that is the report. I'm wondering if those people who think their mother is the enemy could see their mothers with positive intent. Everything we do has positive intent, why not our mothers and other family members also. Remember the NLP presupposition, "People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting" and "All behavior has positive intent" and "People make the best choices available to them based on the information they have."
I encourage my clients to heal the relationships with their family members. I notice that when we don't, we manage to create those members in the people around us, in our friends and work environment. We carry, according to Burt Hellinger, our Family Mind around in us and create it in our lives. We can have richer fuller lives when we heal those relationships and forgive (truly forgive) the past.
I feel blessed that I have a relationship with my mom. She is great person and has done a lot of good in her life. She is not the perfect mother nor the kind of mother that I would have chosen for myself had I gotten the choice. But she is one the I was born to. Whatever my perception of what she did to me when I was growing up has been changed through the miracle of NLP and other spiritual models. I am blessed that I still have her. Many of my friends do not. I'm glad that I am able to connect with her before she passes on. My favorite Irish poet, Merritt Malloy, once said, "Relationships that don't heal peacefully, don't end at all." Being angry or upset about what we think our mothers did to us only hurts us. Think about that as you approach Mothers' Day.
My mom is a very simple person. She doesn't want fluff or flower, candles or perfume. She loves cards and calls. That is why I thought the album would be perfect. We'll see.
When I was growing up, we didn't get along very well. In fact, she said that when I was born that I wouldn't even drink her milk. I must have realized instantly that I had made mistake being born to this woman. but I couldn't go back. The die was cast. I left home when I was 18 and never went back. Even during tough years as a young adult I would ignore her plea to move home and let her take care of me. (She is a Level 1 caretaker to the point of co-dependence.) But I didn't. I let her send me money from time to time because it made her feel good. She never wanted anything in return. My sister has stopped talking to her because she does not have the skills to understand our mother and not get hooked into her drama. My mother still sends her money. She thinks my sister has had a hard life, which she has. Much harder than mine.
I never appreciated my mother and what she stood for until years later when I was in my mid-forties. It took a lot of work using therapy, NLP processes, developing understanding and skills with which to deal with her. I realized that what ever she did or said, it wasn't personal. She is coming from her point of view.
NLP has taught me a lot about how to have relationships with difficult people, especially those people in our lives to whom we are related. We often expect them to behave in certain ways because they are family, yet we don't expect our friends to behave in the same ways. Somehow we hold our families to a higher standard and maybe we should. But after all, they are just people like everyone else.
At some point in my life, I began to appreciate my mother even though she has her problems and when I did that every thing between us changed. I began seeing what she brings to the table. After all, she is one of the only people in my life twho loves me unconditionally. I know that not all moms do that or that is the report. I'm wondering if those people who think their mother is the enemy could see their mothers with positive intent. Everything we do has positive intent, why not our mothers and other family members also. Remember the NLP presupposition, "People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting" and "All behavior has positive intent" and "People make the best choices available to them based on the information they have."
I encourage my clients to heal the relationships with their family members. I notice that when we don't, we manage to create those members in the people around us, in our friends and work environment. We carry, according to Burt Hellinger, our Family Mind around in us and create it in our lives. We can have richer fuller lives when we heal those relationships and forgive (truly forgive) the past.
I feel blessed that I have a relationship with my mom. She is great person and has done a lot of good in her life. She is not the perfect mother nor the kind of mother that I would have chosen for myself had I gotten the choice. But she is one the I was born to. Whatever my perception of what she did to me when I was growing up has been changed through the miracle of NLP and other spiritual models. I am blessed that I still have her. Many of my friends do not. I'm glad that I am able to connect with her before she passes on. My favorite Irish poet, Merritt Malloy, once said, "Relationships that don't heal peacefully, don't end at all." Being angry or upset about what we think our mothers did to us only hurts us. Think about that as you approach Mothers' Day.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Be Informed
A couple of weeks ago, a TV program called The Mentalist offered a story that supposedly depicted what NLP was. What garbage! For anyone who watched it and is not familiar with what NLP really is, I am very sorry.
NLP is a set of tools that helps a person get from a "present" state to a "desired" state. It is one of the fastest instruments for emotional change. In the last 30 years, it has helped millions of people world wide heal traumas, phobias, change limiting, debilitating beliefs, heal illnesses, deal effectively with people and helped them live happier, balanced lives. Nowhere in the 20 years of NLP training with the most esteemed NLP trainers (many of whom started out as therapists) did anyone mention programming other people to do things against their will. (And if there happens to be a trainer out there that is, it is a very DISTORTED model of NLP)
The study of NLP allows a person to become aware of their own patterns of thinking and behavior and how they get the results in their life and gives them the ability to change them. It came out of studying what highly effective people do and developed a methodology for modeling excellence in human behavior, communication and learning.
Where some models of change will give people awareness of what is wrong, NLP is outcome based. In other words, a person must have a clear outcome before engaging the model. As far as building trust and rapport, we, as humans, all have the ability to match others and do it often. Ultimately the use of NLP widens our internal maps of reality and helps us develop creativity and behavioral flexibility. I've never understood how helping someone get what they want, takes away their humanity. I have developed more trust and tolerance and understanding of all human beings and their behavior. Who in the world doesn't need that right now.?
The entire program was defaming to all of us who are teaching others to get along better with others, heal past hurts, and become better at what they are doing in business and life.
NLP is a set of tools that helps a person get from a "present" state to a "desired" state. It is one of the fastest instruments for emotional change. In the last 30 years, it has helped millions of people world wide heal traumas, phobias, change limiting, debilitating beliefs, heal illnesses, deal effectively with people and helped them live happier, balanced lives. Nowhere in the 20 years of NLP training with the most esteemed NLP trainers (many of whom started out as therapists) did anyone mention programming other people to do things against their will. (And if there happens to be a trainer out there that is, it is a very DISTORTED model of NLP)
The study of NLP allows a person to become aware of their own patterns of thinking and behavior and how they get the results in their life and gives them the ability to change them. It came out of studying what highly effective people do and developed a methodology for modeling excellence in human behavior, communication and learning.
Where some models of change will give people awareness of what is wrong, NLP is outcome based. In other words, a person must have a clear outcome before engaging the model. As far as building trust and rapport, we, as humans, all have the ability to match others and do it often. Ultimately the use of NLP widens our internal maps of reality and helps us develop creativity and behavioral flexibility. I've never understood how helping someone get what they want, takes away their humanity. I have developed more trust and tolerance and understanding of all human beings and their behavior. Who in the world doesn't need that right now.?
The entire program was defaming to all of us who are teaching others to get along better with others, heal past hurts, and become better at what they are doing in business and life.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Ten Things Customers Don't Want to Hear, and What to Say Instead By Bill Lampton, Ph.D.
Think back to recent conversations you had while you were shopping. Unfortunately, chances are very good that sales people who talked with you about their product or service used language that either surprised you, bothered you slightly, or infuriated you so much that you vowed not to do business with them again.
Now, think about the words you and those you work with use when you talk with current and potential customers. What are you saying that offends buyers? What should you be saying?
Here are ten of the most common language blunders, with the comments you and your people should be making instead:
ONE: I'm surprised you haven't heard about our product.
Why that's wrong: Sounds condescending, arrogant, and insulting, implying that the prospect is ignorant.
Better statement: Since you said our product is unfamiliar to you, I'll take a couple of minutes todescribe it and answer your questions.
TWO: That's not my job.
Why that's wrong: Not only do you avoid handling a customer's problem yourself, you offer no solution from anyone.
Better statement: I know just the person who can help you with that problem, and I'll introduce you to her.
THREE: Sorry, it's closing time, so I can't talk with you now.
Why that's wrong: Indicates that you work by the clock, not by commitment to customer needs.
Better statement: As you can see, the store is closing now, but I will be glad to stay around a few minutes until we meet your need.
FOUR: To schedule delivery, let me see when I'm going to be in your neighborhood next week.
Why that's wrong: Shows that you have your convenience as the decisive factor in scheduling, not the customer's convenience.
Better statement: Yes, we can deliver this to you next week. What day and time will suit you best?
FIVE: You're the first person who has complained about our service.
Why that's wrong: Implies that the customer is a grouch and troublemaker, and that your company could not possibly be wrong.
Better statement: Even though we hear plenty of compliments about our service, we know there's always room for improvement, so I'm grateful that you reported this problem.
SIX: Tell me your name again, and what the problem is.
Why that's wrong: Shows that you didn't listen carefully, and this will infuriate a person who is dissatisfied already.
Better statement: Mr. Adams, as I understood you, your car's air conditioning isn't cooling adequately. Right?
SEVEN: If you buy this item, you'll help me meet my sales quota for the month.
Why that's wrong: Makes you sound only marginally successful, and reflects that you are using the customer instead of becoming useful for the buyer.
Better statement: This item has been quite popular this month, and we are hearing good reports from customers who have installed it.
EIGHT: Walk through that door over there, turn left, take the escalator, and you'll be on the floor where we accept returned merchandize.
Why that's wrong: Many people get confused about directions, and if the customer gets lost, you are adding to her frustration.
Better statement: Let me tell my manager that I am going to take you to the clerk who can assist you with this returned merchandize.
NINE: Gosh, I barely got here-had to drop my dog at the vet, traffic was terrible, and I've got this awful headache.
Why that's wrong: Customers aren't interested in your problems, because they are depending on you to solve their problems.
Better statement: Good morning, I'm glad to meet you.
TEN: That's against our policy.
Why that's wrong: Customers don't want to deal with inflexible bureaucrats, but with sales people who care enough to adjust to unmet needs.
Better statement: While regulations seem to indicate we can't do this, I believe we can find a way to meet your needs.
A closing suggestion: Take this list to your next staff or employee meeting. Use the list as a springboard for discussion. Challenge your group to identify other offensive statements, and agree on suitable replacements. Your customers will welcome the refreshingly new climate of courtesy and consideration that permeates your work force.
Bill Lampton, Ph.D.--author of The Complete Communicator: Change Your Communication, Change Your Life!--helps you "Learn More. . .Earn More," through his expertise in communication, motivation, customer service, and sales. His speeches, seminars, and communication coaching have benefited top-tier clients, including the Ritz-Carlton Cancun, Gillette, Duracell, Procter & Gamble, Missouri Bar, CenturyTel, British Columbia Legal Management Association, and the Environmental Protection Agency.
Visit his web site to sign up for his complimentary monthly E-mail newsletter. Call Dr. Lampton to discuss how his services will benefit your organization: 678-316-4300. E-mail him: drbill@ChampionshipCommunication.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/
Think back to recent conversations you had while you were shopping. Unfortunately, chances are very good that sales people who talked with you about their product or service used language that either surprised you, bothered you slightly, or infuriated you so much that you vowed not to do business with them again.
Now, think about the words you and those you work with use when you talk with current and potential customers. What are you saying that offends buyers? What should you be saying?
Here are ten of the most common language blunders, with the comments you and your people should be making instead:
ONE: I'm surprised you haven't heard about our product.
Why that's wrong: Sounds condescending, arrogant, and insulting, implying that the prospect is ignorant.
Better statement: Since you said our product is unfamiliar to you, I'll take a couple of minutes todescribe it and answer your questions.
TWO: That's not my job.
Why that's wrong: Not only do you avoid handling a customer's problem yourself, you offer no solution from anyone.
Better statement: I know just the person who can help you with that problem, and I'll introduce you to her.
THREE: Sorry, it's closing time, so I can't talk with you now.
Why that's wrong: Indicates that you work by the clock, not by commitment to customer needs.
Better statement: As you can see, the store is closing now, but I will be glad to stay around a few minutes until we meet your need.
FOUR: To schedule delivery, let me see when I'm going to be in your neighborhood next week.
Why that's wrong: Shows that you have your convenience as the decisive factor in scheduling, not the customer's convenience.
Better statement: Yes, we can deliver this to you next week. What day and time will suit you best?
FIVE: You're the first person who has complained about our service.
Why that's wrong: Implies that the customer is a grouch and troublemaker, and that your company could not possibly be wrong.
Better statement: Even though we hear plenty of compliments about our service, we know there's always room for improvement, so I'm grateful that you reported this problem.
SIX: Tell me your name again, and what the problem is.
Why that's wrong: Shows that you didn't listen carefully, and this will infuriate a person who is dissatisfied already.
Better statement: Mr. Adams, as I understood you, your car's air conditioning isn't cooling adequately. Right?
SEVEN: If you buy this item, you'll help me meet my sales quota for the month.
Why that's wrong: Makes you sound only marginally successful, and reflects that you are using the customer instead of becoming useful for the buyer.
Better statement: This item has been quite popular this month, and we are hearing good reports from customers who have installed it.
EIGHT: Walk through that door over there, turn left, take the escalator, and you'll be on the floor where we accept returned merchandize.
Why that's wrong: Many people get confused about directions, and if the customer gets lost, you are adding to her frustration.
Better statement: Let me tell my manager that I am going to take you to the clerk who can assist you with this returned merchandize.
NINE: Gosh, I barely got here-had to drop my dog at the vet, traffic was terrible, and I've got this awful headache.
Why that's wrong: Customers aren't interested in your problems, because they are depending on you to solve their problems.
Better statement: Good morning, I'm glad to meet you.
TEN: That's against our policy.
Why that's wrong: Customers don't want to deal with inflexible bureaucrats, but with sales people who care enough to adjust to unmet needs.
Better statement: While regulations seem to indicate we can't do this, I believe we can find a way to meet your needs.
A closing suggestion: Take this list to your next staff or employee meeting. Use the list as a springboard for discussion. Challenge your group to identify other offensive statements, and agree on suitable replacements. Your customers will welcome the refreshingly new climate of courtesy and consideration that permeates your work force.
Bill Lampton, Ph.D.--author of The Complete Communicator: Change Your Communication, Change Your Life!--helps you "Learn More. . .Earn More," through his expertise in communication, motivation, customer service, and sales. His speeches, seminars, and communication coaching have benefited top-tier clients, including the Ritz-Carlton Cancun, Gillette, Duracell, Procter & Gamble, Missouri Bar, CenturyTel, British Columbia Legal Management Association, and the Environmental Protection Agency.
Visit his web site to sign up for his complimentary monthly E-mail newsletter. Call Dr. Lampton to discuss how his services will benefit your organization: 678-316-4300. E-mail him: drbill@ChampionshipCommunication.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Change and business during economic challenges
According to Max DePree in LEADERSHIP JAZZ, there are two attitudes that will "guide us into constructive responses to change."
- Change or the person who leads us into change is not the enemy. Abraham Lincoln did not become a leader by justifying the prevailing beliefs but by changing those beliefs. Beware of people who make change a cause for failure.
- Become a frantic learner. Change will leave us in the past as the people who predicted the failure of the automobile. Learning is worthwhile and meaningful in itself. Leaders respond to change by learning something. The eager, frantic learners in life find actual joy in the process of change.
Find ways to learn and change your business and how you attract customers. Whatever worked in the past may or may not work now. What is happening now is a great opportunity to find other ways that things work.
Some things to learn or remember:
During economic downturns, the number of people looking for business or jobs increases.
- Face to Face networking is a great way to find contacts. However, realize that many people in, for example, BNI groups, have built relationships over sometimes years. Face to face networking is about building relationships. Business may come later. Still those meetings can be great way to build contacts.
- Never be desperate. People can sense "desperate" energy. It makes you and your service less desirable. People are looking for a sense of security. Provide it.
- Increase the number of people you contact and do superb follow up. The average sale happens after 7 contacts with an individual or company. Most sales people give up after 2 contacts. It certainly is easier when the money is flowing. When the money is tighter, you have to be creative and diligent when searching for customers.
- Write a description of your perfect customer and share that with other business professionals.
- You may have to make deals, but do not devalue your product or service.
- Provide exceptional service period. People will remember it.
- Keep contacting people and call them. I'm finding that people are stressed and are not checking their emails as much. Plus, email is not reliable.
Recommended reading:
E-Myth Revisted; Leadership Jazz; Attracting Perfect Customers
Monday, January 5, 2009
A New Year
This is a poem that was written by Lois Wyse in the 1970's.
PRAYER FOR A NEW YEAR
Instead of anger
Let me feel
Compassion
Instead of rage
Let me show
Concern
Instead of hate
Let me seek
Change.
For if
To a warring, wondering world
Each of us will bring
Compassion
Concern
Change,
Then perhaps there will be
Love.
PRAYER FOR A NEW YEAR
Instead of anger
Let me feel
Compassion
Instead of rage
Let me show
Concern
Instead of hate
Let me seek
Change.
For if
To a warring, wondering world
Each of us will bring
Compassion
Concern
Change,
Then perhaps there will be
Love.
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