Point: I got to thinking how incongruent this was. Ask someone for their opinion, then get angry at what they said and reject the person. Hummm….if she didn’t want the truth and value her dad’s opinion enough to ask for it, then why did she ask? She got her answer. And it was the truth. She was feeling despair. I suppose blaming other person and getting angry was showing her desperation. This is a prime example of incongruent behavior. Consider your behavior as your own personal artwork. What is your artwork telling the world?
One of the presuppositions of NLP is “Behavior is the highest form of communication. “ Most people have experienced some form of someone telling us one thing and then doing another. It is the ol’ “You are talking so loud I can’t hear what you are saying.” “Practice what you preach.” The human mind is much more capable of understanding what it is seeing than what it is hearing.
There are two sides to consider when faced with incongruous behavior.
1. What do I do when someone is telling me one thing and doing another?
2. What is my behavior telling someone when I say one thing and then do another?
In either case you are dealing with incongruous behavior. Incongruous behavior undermines your business and your personal life.
Incongruent means incompatible with (what is suitable) or inappropriate. ….Containing disparate or discordant elements or parts. It basically means saying one thing and doing another or your mouth and body are doing two different things.
What others are communicating:
In business we deal with people everyday who are communicating with us. The most prized client is the one who tells us they are going to do something AND THEY DO IT! Generally speaking, these people have a high level of congruency. It is a high level of congruency that maintains their success. No one has to call them multiple times to get a response. They take responsibility to follow up without prodding. They are never too busy to make that call and let you know when something changes. People do not have to guess the answers to their own questions because they are upfront about where they stand while maintaining rapport. Regardless of the outcome, everyone feels good about the interaction.
When someone says they are going to do something, we have been taught that people keep their word and that what they are saying is the truth. When they fail to do what they say, then what do we believe, the communication or the behavior? The behavior. People’s true intentions are demonstrated through their behavior. As much as we want to believe people and give them the benefit of the doubt, the real communication is their behavior. I know that I have fallen for this in my 22 official years in business. I want to believe that people have the best intentions and when they tell me that they will do something and then don’t do it, for whatever reason, it starts to dismantle the trust in the relationship. Both sides start feeling bad. No one wants to maintain a relationship that makes us feel bad.
What you are communicating:
The flip side of this coin is what are you communicating? Are you congruent in your behavior? When you tell someone you will do something, do you follow through? In the many years of teaching NLP, I have found that the most congruent people are the ones who are most successful in business and their personal relationships.
Congruency means that you are doing what you are saying you are doing.
For example, as a profession:
When you help someone invest money, you also invest wisely. You save consistently and you maintain control over your finances. You pay your debts.
When you help someone get control of their physical well being and weight, you maintain a healthy physique and eat a balanced, healthy diet.
When you consul someone to help them with some problem, you get professional help when you yourself need it.
As a decorator, you home is beautiful and is the best representation of what you do to help others with their home.
(My own) As a trainer and educator, I keep up with my own growth and take training to improve my skills. I use NLP in my personal as well as business relationships. I know the presuppositions by rote and engage them when appropriate. I use the outcome frame consistently.
People do look for people to help them who are congruent. CONGRUENCY SETS UP TRUST. People who trust you will do business with you if it is appropriate for them. If people do not trust you, they will not do business with you.
In personal relationships:
Trust is extremely important in maintaining healthy relationships.
When you say you will call, you call.
When you say you will do something with your child, you do it. Putting off those appointments destroys child-parent trust. Then they may learn not to trust other adults.
When a person forms agreements with someone, they keep them. If they have to change it, they take responsibility to inform of changes and make another agreement.
Incongruent behavior is tantamount to LYING. Lying becomes a habit. Liars do not prosper.
Here are some of the ways people create distrust and destroy their own success:
• Talk about family values as being prized while having an affair outside marriage.
• Tell someone you don’t want to get married and then dump them and marry someone else.
• Tell someone you don’t have the money for something and then spend a greater amount of money on something else.
• Treat strangers better than you do your own family.
• Form agreements, then ignore them.
• Don’t pay or ignore your debts.
• Say you will call, then forget to follow up.
• You are not accountable. Make a commitment, then don’t follow through.
• A minister or preacher who tells their parishioners how to live a Godly life, while doing the opposite.
• You ask for an opinion and then get mad when they don’t tell you what you want to hear.
• You join a group, then never attend.
• Don’t think that your personal life and business life are separate. They are in a system and affect each other. I talked to a banker who said that she and her husband treat each other like they would their customers. They have a great marriage and very successful businesses.
• Cheating the government is the same as cheating yourself. You may think it doesn’t matter but all cheating no matter how justified weakens the fabric you are made of.
The list goes on and on.
We are human beings and as such there are things we all have some incongruous behavior because none of us are perfect. There are simple things that we can do to be congruent develop and maintain trust in people. Trust builds mutually beneficial relationships.
• Always tell the truth. If you are not interested in someone personal or business, tell them. You’ll both feel better for it and you can save them the time and effort it takes to win you as a client. I think people lie to people because they want to avoid confrontation or think they are hurting someone. The far greater hurt is to string someone along.
• Ask for what you want and then be ok with what you get. If you ask for feedback and the feedback is not what you wanted to hear, don’t get upset and blame the other person. If you want feedback, be prepared to listen and accept it. After all, you are only asking for someone’s map.
• If you have money problems, hit it head on. Avoiding it will not make it go away. The sooner it is dealt with, the sooner you can move on with your life. I’ve known people who have paid off hundreds of thousands of dollars. It didn’t happen overnight, put contacting your creditors and making arrangements and following through with the arrangement is the best medicine for good mental and financial health.
• Instead of asking your husband if you look ok, which usually comes from not feeling 100% sure yourself, say, “I’m not feeling 100% with this outfit or my size (or whatever it is). Could you help me by giving me some feedback? I’m willing to listen to what you have to say.” AND THEN LISTEN AND BE OK. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.
• If someone is complaining to you, ask if they want you to help them solve it or just listen.
• If you are feeling resentment, figure out what you did to cause it. Resentment is usually caused by unmet expectations.
• Know yourself and be willing to look at the behavioral feedback you are getting. Do something if appropriate.
• Tell people up front what you expect. For years I would go into my hairdresser and think she is the expert and she would know best. Then I would be upset when I didn’t like what she did. Excuse me? You should be your own expert on you. Tell people what you want. You’ll have a higher probability of getting it. If you truly don’t know, then rely on their expertise and accept what they give you.
• Offer compliments when you mean them.
• Avoid making observations without some compliment. Saying, “Oh, you changed your hair” is not affirming to the other person. It is ambiguous, can be unsettling to the other person and may also cause the loss of rapport. Tell the person, “I like what you did to your hair or I like how your hair is done.” If you don’t like it, keep your mouth shut.
• Be authentic. If you try to hide your insecurities it comes off as insecure. If you are out of rapport with yourself, it will come off as incongruent.
• If you screw up, admit it.
• If you don’t know, say so.
Remember, a commitment is your word and you are only as good as you make it. A little extra time spent can make a big difference in building trust in relationships and a congruent life filled with satisfaction, success and great friends.
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