Over Memorial Day weekend, I thought a lot about the men and women who give up their regular lives to go and fight overseas. Some of them never come back. Some of them come back and have a troubled time readjusting to their normal life again. These are the ones I'm concerned with.
I have an extraordinary talent for helping people. It is the only way that I could do what I do for the last 20 years. There are many skills and processes in NLP that can help these young men and women reorient into society faster and smoother. One of the special processes of NLP is the Trauma Process which can also be used for phobias. In about 15 minutes, sometime less, I can help a person rid themselves of the effects of trauma.
I have worked with many people over the years whose lives were crippled by emotional and physical trauma that were healed. They went on to lead happy, well-adjusted lives. Policemen and civilians who have been shot or in car accidents, people whose spouse died or left them suddenly, people who have been in airplane crashes and survived, people with post traumatic stress disorder. Many people don't realize that PTSD can be triggered by long term domestic violence or emotional trauma or losing someone suddenly.
And then I thought, well, if I can do this so well, why not help our service men and woman who are having a tough time back in the States. I hear of so many of these young men and woman who have marriage problems, nightmares, etc. It seems to me to be unnecessary suffering.
So, I am offering to any current or recently past military service personnel my services and classes free of charge. I am in Dallas, TX. Sometimes I can work with them on the phone doing coaching.
If you know of a service person who needs help, please send them my way.
Thanks.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
We Create the Response We are Eliciting
We create the response we are getting. This is one of the basic tenets of communication. I've worked with couples over the years. Here is some basics that I've discovered that happen when things start to go haywire between two people.
1. Each person has their own opinion of what the other person is doing and the truth is in the middle of the two sides. Neither side is the truth. It is my job as a NLP Practitioner to help the couple get clear about what they want and develop strategies to elicit that from their partners. In other words, if we want the other person to change, then we have to understand how we elicit the behavior in the other person and change what we are doing.
2. Changing what we are doing does not mean "do the opposite." Einstein said that we can't solve problems at the same level of thinking that created the problem. We have to change the thinking (and map) that created the behavior before we can do something effective. In NLP, it means to jump "neurological levels." We may need to develop a skill in order to do another behavior or change a belief or even see ourselves differently in the relationship.
3. Whatever you want in the relationship, you have to act that way. If you want commitment, you need to be committed and act committed. If you want someone to be considerate you have to be considerate. If you want this person to make time for you then you need to make time for them. Both people have needs and expectations that need to be met.
4. If you don't know how to switch perceptual positions and see the situation from an observer of the two people relating and also from the other person's view point, you will not have balanced healthy relationships. Seeing the other person's point of view and stepping out and seeing the two as an observer is a requisite skills for great communication.
5. Talking things out is great but there has to be some type of resolution or action plan that both people are going to commit to that will help change the situation. In other words, it is nobody's fault but both of you are contributing. Therefore both have to change. None of this, "you change; then I'll be happy." If you are waiting to be happy when someone changes, then you will never be happy. Your happiness is your responsibility. No one will ever fit all of your criteria.
6. If there are not enough criteria being met, respect and honor each other by getting out and moving on. Set boundaries and then keep them. I generally find that something does not work the second time for the same reasons it didn't work the first time. Everyone is different.
1. Each person has their own opinion of what the other person is doing and the truth is in the middle of the two sides. Neither side is the truth. It is my job as a NLP Practitioner to help the couple get clear about what they want and develop strategies to elicit that from their partners. In other words, if we want the other person to change, then we have to understand how we elicit the behavior in the other person and change what we are doing.
2. Changing what we are doing does not mean "do the opposite." Einstein said that we can't solve problems at the same level of thinking that created the problem. We have to change the thinking (and map) that created the behavior before we can do something effective. In NLP, it means to jump "neurological levels." We may need to develop a skill in order to do another behavior or change a belief or even see ourselves differently in the relationship.
3. Whatever you want in the relationship, you have to act that way. If you want commitment, you need to be committed and act committed. If you want someone to be considerate you have to be considerate. If you want this person to make time for you then you need to make time for them. Both people have needs and expectations that need to be met.
4. If you don't know how to switch perceptual positions and see the situation from an observer of the two people relating and also from the other person's view point, you will not have balanced healthy relationships. Seeing the other person's point of view and stepping out and seeing the two as an observer is a requisite skills for great communication.
5. Talking things out is great but there has to be some type of resolution or action plan that both people are going to commit to that will help change the situation. In other words, it is nobody's fault but both of you are contributing. Therefore both have to change. None of this, "you change; then I'll be happy." If you are waiting to be happy when someone changes, then you will never be happy. Your happiness is your responsibility. No one will ever fit all of your criteria.
6. If there are not enough criteria being met, respect and honor each other by getting out and moving on. Set boundaries and then keep them. I generally find that something does not work the second time for the same reasons it didn't work the first time. Everyone is different.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is approaching. I'm gathering recent pictures of the family from kids to great grandchildren - my mom has 4 now - and 6 grandchildren. I'm putting them in a little album to send to her instead of send another card or flowers. She doesn't want "stuff." She has enough stuff and at 84 she is try to get rid of stuff. When I told her yesterday that I would send a card, she said it wasn't necessary. She had saved all the cards that I've sent her over the years. That has to be close to 30 cards. She would take on out and read it again.
My mom is a very simple person. She doesn't want fluff or flower, candles or perfume. She loves cards and calls. That is why I thought the album would be perfect. We'll see.
When I was growing up, we didn't get along very well. In fact, she said that when I was born that I wouldn't even drink her milk. I must have realized instantly that I had made mistake being born to this woman. but I couldn't go back. The die was cast. I left home when I was 18 and never went back. Even during tough years as a young adult I would ignore her plea to move home and let her take care of me. (She is a Level 1 caretaker to the point of co-dependence.) But I didn't. I let her send me money from time to time because it made her feel good. She never wanted anything in return. My sister has stopped talking to her because she does not have the skills to understand our mother and not get hooked into her drama. My mother still sends her money. She thinks my sister has had a hard life, which she has. Much harder than mine.
I never appreciated my mother and what she stood for until years later when I was in my mid-forties. It took a lot of work using therapy, NLP processes, developing understanding and skills with which to deal with her. I realized that what ever she did or said, it wasn't personal. She is coming from her point of view.
NLP has taught me a lot about how to have relationships with difficult people, especially those people in our lives to whom we are related. We often expect them to behave in certain ways because they are family, yet we don't expect our friends to behave in the same ways. Somehow we hold our families to a higher standard and maybe we should. But after all, they are just people like everyone else.
At some point in my life, I began to appreciate my mother even though she has her problems and when I did that every thing between us changed. I began seeing what she brings to the table. After all, she is one of the only people in my life twho loves me unconditionally. I know that not all moms do that or that is the report. I'm wondering if those people who think their mother is the enemy could see their mothers with positive intent. Everything we do has positive intent, why not our mothers and other family members also. Remember the NLP presupposition, "People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting" and "All behavior has positive intent" and "People make the best choices available to them based on the information they have."
I encourage my clients to heal the relationships with their family members. I notice that when we don't, we manage to create those members in the people around us, in our friends and work environment. We carry, according to Burt Hellinger, our Family Mind around in us and create it in our lives. We can have richer fuller lives when we heal those relationships and forgive (truly forgive) the past.
I feel blessed that I have a relationship with my mom. She is great person and has done a lot of good in her life. She is not the perfect mother nor the kind of mother that I would have chosen for myself had I gotten the choice. But she is one the I was born to. Whatever my perception of what she did to me when I was growing up has been changed through the miracle of NLP and other spiritual models. I am blessed that I still have her. Many of my friends do not. I'm glad that I am able to connect with her before she passes on. My favorite Irish poet, Merritt Malloy, once said, "Relationships that don't heal peacefully, don't end at all." Being angry or upset about what we think our mothers did to us only hurts us. Think about that as you approach Mothers' Day.
My mom is a very simple person. She doesn't want fluff or flower, candles or perfume. She loves cards and calls. That is why I thought the album would be perfect. We'll see.
When I was growing up, we didn't get along very well. In fact, she said that when I was born that I wouldn't even drink her milk. I must have realized instantly that I had made mistake being born to this woman. but I couldn't go back. The die was cast. I left home when I was 18 and never went back. Even during tough years as a young adult I would ignore her plea to move home and let her take care of me. (She is a Level 1 caretaker to the point of co-dependence.) But I didn't. I let her send me money from time to time because it made her feel good. She never wanted anything in return. My sister has stopped talking to her because she does not have the skills to understand our mother and not get hooked into her drama. My mother still sends her money. She thinks my sister has had a hard life, which she has. Much harder than mine.
I never appreciated my mother and what she stood for until years later when I was in my mid-forties. It took a lot of work using therapy, NLP processes, developing understanding and skills with which to deal with her. I realized that what ever she did or said, it wasn't personal. She is coming from her point of view.
NLP has taught me a lot about how to have relationships with difficult people, especially those people in our lives to whom we are related. We often expect them to behave in certain ways because they are family, yet we don't expect our friends to behave in the same ways. Somehow we hold our families to a higher standard and maybe we should. But after all, they are just people like everyone else.
At some point in my life, I began to appreciate my mother even though she has her problems and when I did that every thing between us changed. I began seeing what she brings to the table. After all, she is one of the only people in my life twho loves me unconditionally. I know that not all moms do that or that is the report. I'm wondering if those people who think their mother is the enemy could see their mothers with positive intent. Everything we do has positive intent, why not our mothers and other family members also. Remember the NLP presupposition, "People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting" and "All behavior has positive intent" and "People make the best choices available to them based on the information they have."
I encourage my clients to heal the relationships with their family members. I notice that when we don't, we manage to create those members in the people around us, in our friends and work environment. We carry, according to Burt Hellinger, our Family Mind around in us and create it in our lives. We can have richer fuller lives when we heal those relationships and forgive (truly forgive) the past.
I feel blessed that I have a relationship with my mom. She is great person and has done a lot of good in her life. She is not the perfect mother nor the kind of mother that I would have chosen for myself had I gotten the choice. But she is one the I was born to. Whatever my perception of what she did to me when I was growing up has been changed through the miracle of NLP and other spiritual models. I am blessed that I still have her. Many of my friends do not. I'm glad that I am able to connect with her before she passes on. My favorite Irish poet, Merritt Malloy, once said, "Relationships that don't heal peacefully, don't end at all." Being angry or upset about what we think our mothers did to us only hurts us. Think about that as you approach Mothers' Day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
