Langguage as Support or Barrier of Success

Humans are like fish in water when it comes to language.We think in words, we talk in words, we listen to words. Words are all around us, in us. We use words to express our joy, anger, fear, happiness, grief, frustration and annoyances. Yet because we are like fish in water, we are not aware of how words affect us; how changing the simplest communication can change a world, ours or someone else’s. How we express ourselves determines our success or failure with goals, relationships, careers, even happiness. The words we use with ourselves determine our attitudes, moods and health.

I hear mistakes in people’s communication all day long. Those mistakes often lead to a failure or misunderstanding one has of a situation or another person. Here are some examples:

1. The word: Don’t. The brain doesn’t process the word “don’t.” If I say “Don’t think of a pink elephant or a yellow Volkswagen,” what do you think of? Don’t hesitate; don’t miss this opportunity; don’t misunderstand; don’t wait; don’t go now; don’t forget. What are you actually saying to others when you use “don’t?” You are telling them to do exactly what you don’t want them to do. Instead, use: Take advantage of; remember; stay longer; please understand; take action; get going now.

2. The word: Hope. Hope is an interesting word. It is not that there is anything wrong with it; it is just misused. When Hope is used it creates two pictures inside the brain, one of a positive outcome and one of a negative outcome. Both pictures have equal weight. So hope introduces or promotes doubt. A better word would be “anticipate;” unless of course, hope is the best you can do in a situation. There is a big difference between saying you hope something happens and you anticipate something happens. When working with goals and outcomes use “anticipate.”

3. The word: Try. “Try” presupposes failure. “Try” is only an attempt, not success. Use “can.”

4. The word: Lost: For things you cannot find, use “misplaced.” You misplace files, keys, documents, etc. We lose loved ones when they die. Lost means gone forever.

5. The word: Stuff: I am amazed how even some of the most complex thinkers will use this word to describe items. “I’ll show you my stuff.” What is “stuff?” Instead, use specific language to describe what you are talking about: your car, your creative products, your photos, etc.

6. The word: Everybody. Use “some people” or “most.” “Everybody” is a universal statement that seldom describes all people in a situation.

7. The word: Hate. Use “dislike.” Hate is a strong emotional word. It is said to be the language of cancer.

8. The word: Depressed. Some people go around and tell themselves they are depressed and wonder why they are depressed. Depressed is a depressing word. Ask yourself, “What do I need to be happy or to change my situation?” By asking simple questions of yourself, you send your thinking in another direction. All you need to do is ask. Knowing the answer is not required. The answer will come to you if you keep asking the question.

9. The phrase: I’m afraid of heights. No, you are afraid of falling. Heights are heights. Being afraid of falling is natural. Some say we are born with it. In fact in one research study researchers took a baby around six months old and placed it on a large see-through movable floor. As the floor rose from the background, the baby began to show signs of stress as they perceived the difference between where they were and where the ground was. The fear of falling makes us pay attention to our surroundings so we remain safe. Caution is a good thing when we are high above the ground. When you feel the fear, pay attention, be present and be careful.

10. The phrase: I’m afraid of flying. No, you are afraid of crashing. When you consider the fact that over 1,800 planes fly into and out of Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport a DAY, the chances of anything happening are slim. In fact, most people will not even know someone who was in a plane crash. I knew a guy who was in three crashes and survived all of them. The real fear is of crashing not of flying. Flying is what you want the plane to do.

11. The phrase: I have a fear of failure. Often this masks as a fear of success. People tell me they have a fear of failure so they won’t take any risks or action to create success. Therefore they must actually be afraid of success. They are already failing. How can they be afraid of something that is already happening? People who have true fears of failing do everything they possibly can to avoid failure, which makes them successful.

12. The phrase: It kills me, or It is killing me. Really? Usually people use this phrase to refer to some difficult but not impossible situation. It (whatever ‘it’ is) isn’t really killing you. It may frustrate you; but it isn’t killing you.

13. The phrase: Lose weight. This is related to the word “lost.” Weight and Wait are phonological ambiguities. In other words, they sound the same even though they mean different things. Are you saying you want to ‘lose weight’ (which ambiguous in and of itself) or are you saying you want to ‘lose WAIT?’ When you set a health goal such as this, use specifics: I want to be a size____. The brain responds to numbers. It knows exactly what you are talking about.

14. Motivate versus Inspire: For me motivate sounds like the "motivate" is an unwilling participant; whereas “inspire” is a richer word which harnesses the willingness of the other person to joyously participate.

15. Criticism versus Feedback: When positioning information as feedback, a person is more likely to take it in and consider it. When framed as criticism, a harsher word, not so much. You are likely to get resistance or be resistant.

16. Hard versus Challenging: “Hard” makes something almost impossible to achieve; “challenging” makes it possible given the right strategies for accomplishing your goal.

17. Stupid versus Interesting:“Stupid” is an assessment of intelligence, which may or may not apply. “Interesting” is much less harsh and removes the harshness of the judgment. You might even use “Curious” instead. Do this for a week. Notice what it does for your state management.

A few other tips on words:

There are Assertions and Assessments.

Assessments belong to the observer. They are subjective and can be called into question: “Mary is tall.”

Assertions are about the observed. “Mary is 5’10’ tall.” They are facts and are verifiable.

Use assertions when possible. They are more credible.

Here is a little exercise to help you understand your own language:

Listen for consistent language patterns or words you use, especially when you are frustrated or angry. Once you have the words, begin changing them to softer versions. Look for other words with more positive connotations. Notice how your ability to deal with situations changes through time.
Language is the mirror of the mind. Your language reflects your inner thoughts and organization of thinking. Language and thought cannot be separated. Change your language and you will change life. Be aware though. Being educated in language will help you change your language to help you get what you want in life.

Delusions

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately – everything from what qualities and criteria create healthy relationships to gasoline prices. Picture this – Snoopy, laying on top on this dog house, head lifted to signify discomfort. He says: “I’ve been tense lately.” He sits: “I find myself worrying about everything…Take the earth, for instance.” He flops over on his belly and looks over the top of the doghouse as he clings to the roof with his paws. “Here we all are clinging helplessly to this globe that is hurling through space… He lays back down on the top of the roof, ears flopping over the sides. “ What if the wings fall off?”
There are many things we can focus our attention on. Choosing what we focus on will determine the type of experience we have as we move through difficult times. It is my fervent belief that if we all just focused on getting on our own life in order that the world would heal itself. That does not exclude helping others, of course. (Although helping others as a form of avoidance of dealing with our own problems ends up not serving anyone. We will tend to serve others through our own “need” filters rather than giving them what they truly need in reality.)

So here are three examples:

Delusion no. 1 –“ My financial problems will be solved if I just have MORE money”. Marilou Seavey and I (and Chris and Tim Hallbom, the originators of the Money Clinic) have been involved in this class since 1999. I’ve have sponsored that class no less than 8 times here in Dallas. Participants in the class with few exceptions have SIGNIFICANT INCREASES IN MONEY. I have experienced this also. Since my first Money Clinic, my income has increased consistently well into the 6-figure mark. We have found the money increases to be remarkable yet many have not experienced the benefits that come from having more money. A person can have all the money they want and still not experience abundance if they cannot manage what they have. Money management is a skill. It is not something you can do a belief change and “wha la” instant understanding and greater wealth. Money management means you know where your money goes, you save, you budget, you track your expenses for personal and business (if you work for yourself) and you don’t spend what you don’t have. It’s work! This also means you don’t lie to yourself that this one $15.00 shirt won’t count or you really need that vacation. One exception I make with this is your own personal growth. Ben Franklin said, “If you take the coins from your pocket and fill your mind, your mind will fill your pocket with coins”. In my experience, the money that I have spent on personal growth (skill based) has been to my benefit and it has always provided an increase in income. It is interesting to me that people will not have the money or time to improve their skills so that they can deal more effectively with themselves and the world but will have the money and time for a vacation. When they get back from the vacation, their problems are still there. Now they have more debt on top of it. Learn to manage what you have. More will not solve the problem without effective management skills. One other thought on classes…when I take a class I put everything into it. I want and will get my money’s worth and develop a well-formed outcome so that I’m clear about what I want.
Delusion no. 2 – My relationship problems are because I keep choosing the wrong person (if you are single) or my relationship problems are caused by my spouse (if you are married). The book I recommend to everyone who wants a healthy relationship or is currently in a relationship period is CONSCIOUS LOVING by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. A great NLP book is SOLUTIONS by Leslie Cameron Bandler. The only way to change your experience in your relationships is to be a different person. From childhood we model relationships and how to do them from our parents, teachers, older siblings. Our past comes back over and over, like Ground Hog Day (the movie). Unless you change what you are doing and, more important WHO YOU ARE in the relationship, you’ll keep having the same experience. NLP offers significant change skills to effect the deep structure changes necessary to truly be a different person. First is the recognition that you are THE CREATOR. Next is healing the past traumas that support the unhealthy experiences. Then do the “changework” at all of the logical levels – your identity, beliefs, skills (yes, relationships need skills: communication, language, rapport, negotiation, self awareness, consciousness, understanding, clear outcomes), behaviors, and environment.
Finally, develop your relationship skills (there’s that word again). Clue, your parents provide good feedback as to what you might be doing unconsciously to sabotage your relationships. If one of your highest values is freedom and you keep trying to create relationships that take it away, your unconscious beliefs will over ride and your behavior will sabotage the relationship. Knowing and honoring your own values will support your outcomes and you’ll find the other person will honor them as well. But don’t be surprised it you attract someone who want a lot of freedom also. You have to do it first; it won’t come from the other person. In SOLUTIONS, Leslie talks about the stages of a relationship. It’s call the Threshold Pattern: Attraction to Appreciation to Habituation to Expectation to Disappointment/Disillusionment to Threshold Reached/Perceptual reorientation to Verification to Relationship Terminated. When a relationship starts to fall apart it’s not because the person we’re with changes, it’s because OUR perceptual filters change. The person is still the same; we just filter them differently. And we project negative characteristics into them that may not even be there.
Part of the Relationship lie is that the divorce rate is 75%. That is the overall statistical average including all of marriages that end after 3-4 months. If you break it down by group, the statistic is much better. If you are in the group that is over 35, college educated, and make over $50,000 combined income, the chances are very good that you will stay married and work things out. I got a laugh out of Mike Stammer’s, a sales consultant for CEO’s, philosophy on maintaining a long marriage. He says, “Live a long time, commit to staying married, marry a saint.” That probably works, too.
Delusion no. 3 –“I can have cheesecake this one time and still lose weight.” This is a part of a larger lie: “I can have the healthy body I want by doing what I’ve done in the past to create the unhealthy overweight body.” I’ve worked with many people on “weight issues.” Here is the secret: you must exercise every day and eat less calories than you burn. Maintaining a healthy weight is a daily outcome. There are hundreds of books on the market about weight control. Pick one. They all work. You just have to follow it. Health achievement and maintenance is highly procedural. Those of you who have studied “Meta Programs” or the LAB Profile know the difference between Options and Procedures. The procedure you must follow is: You become conscious about what you eat; you avoid foods that make you fat (fried foods, sugar); you exercise to get your heart rate up AND YOU DO IT EVERY DAY.
Most people have the goal of losing weight; not to maintain the loss. When being healthy is a life style, an identity, the behaviors will follow. I am a thin person, I eat like a thin person, I exercise like a thin person, I think like a thin person. Eating well and exercise is a priority with me. It has been all of my life. The scenario might go like this: So you gained 5 pounds over the summer. How did that happen? Well, chances are you didn’t exercise as consistently as you usually do – you missed some work outs every week on a consistent basis and you ate things you don’t normally eat – high fat restaurant food, prepared meals instead of cooking at home, starches such as French fries and white bread and butter. You didn’t eat these things every day but they were ingested often enough to combine with the missed workouts to add five pounds. You told yourself it didn’t matter AND IT DOES. ANY BEHAVIOR THAT YOU DO CONSISTENTLY WILL RESULT IN AN OUTCOME. …just one more donut, piece of pizza, fast food hamburger. Over time it adds up and so do the pounds. It is like putting a frog in cold water and turning up the heat. The frog doesn’t realize it’s being cooked until it is too late. --- a grizzly metaphor that is true for many experiences that catch up with us. We fall asleep, we tell ourselves a bunch of lies and then we wake up to results that are miserable and create a crisis – another case for clear outcome thinking.
Well, that’s three of them. My mission is to help you make a difference in your own life!