The Lies about how to tell if a person is lying to you

This is a second of a series of articles on misconceptions about “reading” people.

I hear this often on TV shows and from what I understand, it is generally taught to policemen. What I hear is that if a person looks up to right, they are lying. This is another myth (see November’s blog on Body Language) that originated from NLP and was taken out of context and taught wholesale to people without having the entire understanding of what they were saying.

I think what happens (I’m only guessing) that someone takes a class or read something and they extract information out the class to teach to others. This information is usually something they find relevant in their own lives or it makes sense to them. It doesn’t have anything to do with truth. In the past, I have been guilty of the same thing. Early on in my NLP career, I became a victim to this type of information extraction so that I could impress audiences or build my expertise and authority. Today, knowing what I know about speakers and trainers in general, I want to check out any information before imparting it to others. Disseminating bad information will do more harm to ones’ credibility than good. You never know who is in the audience.

NLP was originally developed to help people model excellence in human communication, learning and behavior. It helped us understand how people operated as systems. Early on in NLP, eye patterns (or eye cues) were taught to people as part of understanding internal computation (the sequence of patterning, Strategy, a person uses to do things or think, like how they make decisions). Strategies are programs that run in the mind to do everything we do. Discerning the Internal Computation was part of strategy elicitation. Eye patterns were taught to therapists to so that they would pay attention to the internal processing of the client and/or match that processing to develop rapport. NLP was also developed as a MODEL, not a theory. Models are about what works, not necessarily what is true. Theories tend to espouse truths, even though they are only theories.

When eyes go up and to the left, a person was accessing remembered information (edipic) and when eyes go up and to the right, a person was accessing constructed information. Somehow, over the years “constructed information” meant a person was making it up and therefore lying. BUT many right handed, normally organized people construct out of recall. The images are extracted out of a remembered memory. In FROGS INTO PRINCES by Richard Bandler and John Grinder (page 21), you’ll find that when Bandler and Grinder asked a number of the same questions to various participants, they go similar but not entirely the same eye movements. Some people would do one thing and another would do something else. To enhance rapport and understanding, a person would then match the words with the eye movements: visual eye movements with visual “see” predicate words and phrases. In fact, on a biochemical level, all memories are 'constructed. (1) The Psychobiology of Mind-Body Healing, Ernest Lawrence Rossi, 1986, W.W. Norton & Company, page 69. How 'constructed' a memory has to be to trigger that eye-accessing pattern isn't clear.

Then somewhere someone got the idea that if you asked a person a question and they got the answer out of visual construct that meant that they were lying. NO, NO, NO. it means nothing of the kind. The whole idea of NLP was to get people to stop generalizing about people. In fact, as I recall, someone close to Richard Bandler once stated that they were sorry that they ever taught that information to people because it was so distorted and misused.

Stever Robbins wrote a great article about NLP and Lying. He said that just because you ask a question to elicit certain eye cues doesn’t mean you are going to get them. He says, As part of the experiment, I asked, "How many chairs do you have in your living room?" expecting them to access visual information. They would have a KINESTHETIC eye-accessing cue. That counted as a non-correlation. During the debrief, the subject said, "Remember when you asked about the chairs? I suddenly remembered how wonderful it felt when my mother rocked me to sleep in those chairs." (He went on about the wonderful FEELING for a few more seconds.) Just because I wanted him to access certain information didn't mean he did. In police interrogation, I can imagine anyone--innocent or not--worrying about how their answers will be taken. If they worry by constructing scenarios in their mind, that could produce a 'constructed' accessing cue.”Accessing eye cues may also be a reference to where information is stored spatially in submodalities. Therefore, accessing memories is only the first step in using the information.

A better approach to lie detection is to learn to notice unconscious physiological responses: pupil dilation, pore size, skin flush, muscle tone changes, breathing, etc. Calibrate carefully. Ask lots of questions that you know the answers to, until you are sure you can tell what combinations of nonverbal responses correspond to truth. If they happen to lie to one of your questions and you know they're lying, you'll also have the chance to calibrate a lie. Good poker players do this when they look for a "tell" in the other players. Often times a person’s voice pitch and tone will change when they are not telling the truth or there will be voice stress. Even that isn’t accurate.

Also, unless you know someone REALLY, REALLY well, the chances that you can tell they are lying are small. The bottom line on lie detection is that you simply can't tell from any of the simply NLP observations whether or not someone's lying. You may have said something or asked a question which triggered the person thinking about a childhood trauma or a memory of a heated conversation. Or the eye movement may have had nothing whatsoever to do with your words. A person could have had an unrelated sudden thought.

Robbins says, Sometimes if I think someone's lying, I'll simply re-ask the question a couple dozen times in a couple dozen different ways. Or I'll ask, "Really? Are you sure?" Or I'll ask for details. Those aren't NLP By the way, if you really thought that they were lying with that eye movement, your suspicions may have caused you to have a pronounced nonverbal reaction. Hopefully, they interpreted that correctly.

Stever's (and Susan’s) sage advice: don't hang around with people you think lie to you. It makes life much easier.

DEBUNKING THE MYTHS ABOUT BODY LANGUAGE

Well, I’ve had enough!


The Body Language Experts are coming out of the woodwork. They are blogging; they are on TV, they are giving talks. And there are still more people out there who are pretending to be body language experts. There is no end to the misinformation about body language in the media these days. So much so that certain myths have now become so widely spread that regardless of what a particular movement means, it is now accepted by the general public as truth even though it isn’t.


So I am setting the record straight at least for my corner of the world. If you are so inclined you can send this on to some of your wayward brethren who have been caught in the mythical fray. I’ll give you the most effective way to handle any body language. See below on how to handle any body language.


I got started on this one morning when one of my master practitioners sent me a link to some coach’s blog (is a coach necessarily a body language expert?). Most of them work over the phone. They don’t even get visual cues unless they have Skyp. In this person’s defense, her bringing up to awareness some of the inappropriate body language that can be used in interviews allows a person to become aware of their own body language.


So this woman, the coach says:

Leaning Back in Your Chair
When in an interview, it’s not a good idea to lean back in your chair. This gives the impression that you’re overly relaxed and disinterested in the job. It can also make you appear untidy. To remedy this, sit a little bit forward in your chair. This helps you present yourself as alert and eager to answer any questions thrown your way.


Now I agree that leaning back in your chair during a job interview is probably not the best strategy for showing interest BUT leaning back in the chair could also mean that the person is thinking about what the speaker is saying (processing, if you will). It is a dissociation. It is a backing away from the conversation while processing. The person can also be disagreeing with the speaker. They’ve heard something that doesn’t resonate with one of their values or heard something they don’t like. They may be commenting (internal dialog) inside and comparing what is being said with their own beliefs. But I’ve never heard that a person is relaxed or disinterested.


Folding Your Arms
Did you know that folding your arms in any situation sends a message that you’re closing yourself off from the person you’re communicating with? This means, if you fold your arms in an interview, you’re sending the interviewer the message that you’re not inviting him or her in. In other words, you can appear to be an unfriendly person, which could potentially X you out of the job.


OH, PLEASE! NOT AGAIN!!!! This is one of the myths that have been so perpetuated by the media and so called experts that it is now accepted as fact. We fold our arms for dozens a reasons: we are cold, we listening to the speaker are a few. This myth is so wide spread that I actually uncross my arms on purpose when I am conversing with a person I don’t know because of their perception of what it means.


Crossing Your Legs
While crossing your legs during an interview seems to be a polite and professional gesture, some experts beg to differ. In fact, this action actually sends a message of complacency, which is not what you want to communicate to your interviewer. This is why it is advised that you instead plant both feet firmly on the floor. It demonstrates confidence in who you are.


Actually crossing your legs is an incongruency as is standing with the weight of the body on one leg. I agree that planting both feet on the floor is a better way of sitting because it is more balanced. Where this person got that it meant complacency, I don’t know. I have dozens of people who take training from me every month. If they are sitting crossed legged does it mean they are all complacent? For the kind of money they are paying and time they are investing, I don’t think any of them are complacent. Their hindend may be uncomfortable from the hotel chairs, but based on the skill level of the participants that come out of my trainings, I don’t think complacency is a word that I would use to describe any of them. Sitting balanced actually is not only beneficial for your body, it is also very good for your mind. It actually helps the thinking/learning process. Standing and sitting with the body weight evenly distributed on both legs helps the person with energy and accessing neurological information.

There are 6 billion people on the face of earth. There are countless cultures. And all of them (people) place meaning on everything thing that happens to them, their friends, family, city, country, world. With so many minds taking in so much information the chance that two people see or experience the same event exactly the same is almost impossible. If you have 10 eye witnesses to an accident, you will get 10 individual and different interpretations of what happened.


So take the fact that no two people experience the world alike and make their own meaning of experience and then add this to the fact that the meaning we place on experience drives our emotions, and then add the fact that emotions drive our behavior, of which our body language is derived. So is it accurate to say that when all human beings do something in their behavior (body language) that it all means the same thing? How can it? Everyone perceives the world differently so each person’s movements will have different, individual meaning. The meaning of the movement may change over time as the individual learns, grows, evolves or grows older.


Jules Collingwood, an NLP Trainer Assessor, says,
” As humans we can modify our gestures consciously, making voluntary movements as well as displaying unconscious breathing shifts, skin tone changes and micro-muscle movements. We use our bodies to convey interest or disinterest, to establish rapport with others or to stop them in their tracks. We learn cultural norms about appropriate body language for people of our gender, age and status in our daily lives and sometimes find our habitual presentations elicit markedly different responses in other parts of the world.


So what can body language teach us about other people? With sufficient exposure to another culture we can learn to recognize its members by their body language, the way they move and gesture, how close they stand to other people and how much eye contact they make and with whom. We can learn to recognize HOW the individual, whatever their origin, is thinking by watching their eye movements, breathing and posture as they interact. This will not tell us WHAT they are thinking. The subject matter of someone's thoughts remains private until they describe it.”


Until you know someone and can calibrate them through time, you don’t know when a particular person is passionate about something, bored, closed off, annoyed. They might be trying to take an insect off of their shirt or need to go to the bathroom. They may be angry but you are not necessarily the object of their wrath. Calibration is the act of observing a particular person and asking them for meaning which we can use for future reference. Just because the person does something that means _________ , doesn’t mean that everyone has the same meaning.


In NLP, making interpretations or assumptions about other people’s behavior or movements is called MIND READING. We may have some degree of accuracy when mind reading but if you miss read someone, you may have lost rapport with an important part of your future. If you use body language to calibrate someone you can use that information to form questions and calibrate for the future.


HOW TO HANDLE BODY LANGUAGE


The best way to handle body language is to look at the larger frame of what you want to accomplish. Establishing rapport by matching and pacing body language will help you succeed in accomplishing your communication outcome/goal. Making meaning about what they are doing will not. The latter seems such a waste of time. Take the fact that no communication takes place without rapport, matching and pacing any movement will help you establish a relationship of trust and comprehensive understanding.


If you are interviewing for a job, it is much preferred to match your interviewer. Your brain makes thousands of decisions every second about the person in front of you by making comparisons of similarity and differences. The more similar a person is to you or you are to a person, the more familiar you seem to them, the more comfortable you will be with each other. Respectfully aligned with another person is the most effective way to understand each other. People like people who are like themselves. But it isn’t even about liking; it is about UNDERSTANDING. YOU WILL LEARN MORE ABOUT A PERSON BY MATCHING THEIR BODY LANGUAGE THAN FIGURING OUT WHAT IT MEANS. Being conscious or unconscious (you do this anyway) about aligning with others is the key to communication success.

Stay tuned for Myths about Lying and the 7%-38%-55% Myth about what is important in communication.

It Doesn't Take a Big Miracle to Appreciate the Small Ones

The most recent book I’ve read is Miracle in the Andes. It was written by one of the survivors of an airplane crash in the early 1970’s. I’ve read a number of profound books in my life, another one being Left to Tell.

What struck me about this first-person account about these young rugby players’ survival in the Andes after a plane crash for 72 days, was how it demonstrated the POWER OF THE MIND and the importance in KEEPING OUR FOCUS ON OUR HIGHEST CRITERIA. Getting distracted by negative consequences drains our energy and pulls that energy away from what we need to be doing to have a better outcome.

The author, Nando Parrado, was unconscious for 3 days before he came to and discovered that the plane crashed and his mother and sister and many of his team mates were dead or dying. It was only the beginning of 72 days of 30 below-freezing temperatures, no winter clothing, no water, no food and no way out. After 72 days of impossible conditions, it took the author and another one of the survivors 10 days to walk 45 miles over 17,000-foot mountain peeks to find a shepherd to get help.

They improvised ways of making water, fashioned snow shoes out of plane insulation and a multitude of other somewhat ingenious and horrifying ways of surviving. They found out while trying to get the plane radio to work that the search for them had been called off. Nando, an ordinary young man wanting only to survive, led an expedition up the treacherous slopes of snow-capped mountains and across 45 miles of frozen wilderness to find help.

He stayed beside his sister until she finally gave up her life. When he was told after becoming conscious that his mother had died in the crash, the tears began to well up inside of him and he heard a voice say, “Don’t cry. Tears waste salt. You will need salt to survive.” Astonished by the calmness of the voice, he was then told of the others who had died. Wanting to sob again, he heard the voice, “Do Not Cry. They are all gone. They are all part of your past. Don’t waste your energy on things you can’t control. Look forward. Think clearly. You will survive.”

And he did. In the face of death, that could come at any moment. In the face of terrifying fear which he could not ignore, he lived 72 days and walked out of the Andes to live a rich and prosperous life: a life which he dreamed up in the Andes that included a loving wife and children, seeing his dad again, telling his dad that his sister did not die alone.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, in his landmark research and book, FLOW: THE PSYCHOLOGY OF OPTIMAL EXPERIENCE, says, “one common attitude shared by individuals who survived severe physical ordeals (concentration camps) was the implicit belief that their destiny was in their hands. They did not doubt that their own resources would be sufficient to allow them to determine their fate. In that sense they could be called self-assured, yet at the same time, their egos seem curiously absent. They found a way to function in their environment harmoniously. This attitude occurs when a person no longer sees himself in opposition to the environment. He feels a part of whatever goes on around him, and tries to do his best within the system in which he must operate.”

While others in the crash were blaming God and a host of others for this terrible accident, Nando was finding ways to survive and think about his future. He imagined his father suffering in agony for his loss and Nando would feel rage and hear the past words of this father during his father’s own bitter crisis, “I decided I would not quit. I decided I would suffer a little longer.” Nando would vow silently, “ I will struggle. I will come home. I will not let the bond between us [he and his dad] be broken. I promise you, I will not die here. I will not die here!

After Nando and the rest of the survivors (16 out of 45) had returned home, his father told him, “I thought that all of you were dead. I knew I would never recover from the loss. It was as if my house burned down to the ground, and I had lost everything I owned, forever. And now, to have you back, it’s as if I have stumbled on something precious in the ashes. I feel I am reborn. My life can begin again. From now on, I will try not to feel sorry for what was taken from me, but to be happy for what was given back….The sun will come up tomorrow,” he told me, “and the day after that. Don’t let this be the most important thing that ever happens to you. Look forward. You will have a future. You will have a life.”

So my thoughts for this hot summer day as I think about my trip to Iowa are as follows:

1. Know what is important to you and how much you value it. People wonder why I call going to see my family a vacation. It is the one place I know people love me for who I am and not what I do. They don’t care what I do. I’m Aunt Sue to them. Now it’s Great Aunt Sue.
2. No matter what happens, there will be another day. Don’t let circumstances deter you from what is really important to you.
3. Stay focused on something greater than yourself that is positive. Everyone will have challenging, even devastating events in their lives. Our success will be based on how we clearly we focus on a better future.
4. Regardless of what is going on, find a way to function harmoniously in your environment. As Csikszentmihalyi says, this attitude occurs when a person no longer sees himself in opposition to the environment. He feels a part of everything going on around him.
5. Focus your attention off yourself and onto helping others. There is always someone who is in worse shape.
6. It’s not about getting rid of the fear. It is about using it to survive or focusing on something that is more important. Fear has value. It is information. Work on discovering new solutions and opportunities. Csikszentmyhalyi states, “Most of us become so rigidly fixed in the ruts carved out by genetic programming and social conditioning that we ignore the options for choosing any other course of action. We will never become aware of other possibilities unless we pay attention to what is happening around us and evaluate events on the basis of their direct impact on how we feel rather than evaluating them exclusively in terms of preconceived notions.” Don’t make your happiness depend on what will happen under a certain set of rules.
7. Be grateful for what you do have. In the movie, TRANS SIBERIAN, one of the characters kept saying, “Focus on the donut, not on the hole.”
8. Learn lessons easily. Avoid waiting for a crisis to get you to wake up. A crisis isn’t the first indication that something is going wrong. Pay attention to the feedback you are getting around you.
9. Appreciate the moment but remember the moment is part of an on-going process. Your life can change in an instant. But there will be more of it. Be strong and a source of strength for those around you.
10. Avoid letting negative consequences get in the way of your happiness. In Miracle in the Andes, there are photographs taken with a disposable camera someone had in their luggage. Despite the horrific conditions and the ever presence of death, the pictures showed smiling faces. No matter what is going on, we can all take a moment to smile.

And I thought my trip up Kilimanjaro was hard. No, this was hard!

Every thing You Do Counts

Over Memorial Day weekend, I thought a lot about the men and women who give up their regular lives to go and fight overseas. Some of them never come back. Some of them come back and have a troubled time readjusting to their normal life again. These are the ones I'm concerned with.

I have an extraordinary talent for helping people. It is the only way that I could do what I do for the last 20 years. There are many skills and processes in NLP that can help these young men and women reorient into society faster and smoother. One of the special processes of NLP is the Trauma Process which can also be used for phobias. In about 15 minutes, sometime less, I can help a person rid themselves of the effects of trauma.

I have worked with many people over the years whose lives were crippled by emotional and physical trauma that were healed. They went on to lead happy, well-adjusted lives. Policemen and civilians who have been shot or in car accidents, people whose spouse died or left them suddenly, people who have been in airplane crashes and survived, people with post traumatic stress disorder. Many people don't realize that PTSD can be triggered by long term domestic violence or emotional trauma or losing someone suddenly.

And then I thought, well, if I can do this so well, why not help our service men and woman who are having a tough time back in the States. I hear of so many of these young men and woman who have marriage problems, nightmares, etc. It seems to me to be unnecessary suffering.

So, I am offering to any current or recently past military service personnel my services and classes free of charge. I am in Dallas, TX. Sometimes I can work with them on the phone doing coaching.

If you know of a service person who needs help, please send them my way.

Thanks.

We Create the Response We are Eliciting

We create the response we are getting. This is one of the basic tenets of communication. I've worked with couples over the years. Here is some basics that I've discovered that happen when things start to go haywire between two people.

1. Each person has their own opinion of what the other person is doing and the truth is in the middle of the two sides. Neither side is the truth. It is my job as a NLP Practitioner to help the couple get clear about what they want and develop strategies to elicit that from their partners. In other words, if we want the other person to change, then we have to understand how we elicit the behavior in the other person and change what we are doing.

2. Changing what we are doing does not mean "do the opposite." Einstein said that we can't solve problems at the same level of thinking that created the problem. We have to change the thinking (and map) that created the behavior before we can do something effective. In NLP, it means to jump "neurological levels." We may need to develop a skill in order to do another behavior or change a belief or even see ourselves differently in the relationship.

3. Whatever you want in the relationship, you have to act that way. If you want commitment, you need to be committed and act committed. If you want someone to be considerate you have to be considerate. If you want this person to make time for you then you need to make time for them. Both people have needs and expectations that need to be met.

4. If you don't know how to switch perceptual positions and see the situation from an observer of the two people relating and also from the other person's view point, you will not have balanced healthy relationships. Seeing the other person's point of view and stepping out and seeing the two as an observer is a requisite skills for great communication.

5. Talking things out is great but there has to be some type of resolution or action plan that both people are going to commit to that will help change the situation. In other words, it is nobody's fault but both of you are contributing. Therefore both have to change. None of this, "you change; then I'll be happy." If you are waiting to be happy when someone changes, then you will never be happy. Your happiness is your responsibility. No one will ever fit all of your criteria.

6. If there are not enough criteria being met, respect and honor each other by getting out and moving on. Set boundaries and then keep them. I generally find that something does not work the second time for the same reasons it didn't work the first time. Everyone is different.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is approaching. I'm gathering recent pictures of the family from kids to great grandchildren - my mom has 4 now - and 6 grandchildren. I'm putting them in a little album to send to her instead of send another card or flowers. She doesn't want "stuff." She has enough stuff and at 84 she is try to get rid of stuff. When I told her yesterday that I would send a card, she said it wasn't necessary. She had saved all the cards that I've sent her over the years. That has to be close to 30 cards. She would take on out and read it again.

My mom is a very simple person. She doesn't want fluff or flower, candles or perfume. She loves cards and calls. That is why I thought the album would be perfect. We'll see.

When I was growing up, we didn't get along very well. In fact, she said that when I was born that I wouldn't even drink her milk. I must have realized instantly that I had made mistake being born to this woman. but I couldn't go back. The die was cast. I left home when I was 18 and never went back. Even during tough years as a young adult I would ignore her plea to move home and let her take care of me. (She is a Level 1 caretaker to the point of co-dependence.) But I didn't. I let her send me money from time to time because it made her feel good. She never wanted anything in return. My sister has stopped talking to her because she does not have the skills to understand our mother and not get hooked into her drama. My mother still sends her money. She thinks my sister has had a hard life, which she has. Much harder than mine.

I never appreciated my mother and what she stood for until years later when I was in my mid-forties. It took a lot of work using therapy, NLP processes, developing understanding and skills with which to deal with her. I realized that what ever she did or said, it wasn't personal. She is coming from her point of view.

NLP has taught me a lot about how to have relationships with difficult people, especially those people in our lives to whom we are related. We often expect them to behave in certain ways because they are family, yet we don't expect our friends to behave in the same ways. Somehow we hold our families to a higher standard and maybe we should. But after all, they are just people like everyone else.

At some point in my life, I began to appreciate my mother even though she has her problems and when I did that every thing between us changed. I began seeing what she brings to the table. After all, she is one of the only people in my life twho loves me unconditionally. I know that not all moms do that or that is the report. I'm wondering if those people who think their mother is the enemy could see their mothers with positive intent. Everything we do has positive intent, why not our mothers and other family members also. Remember the NLP presupposition, "People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting" and "All behavior has positive intent" and "People make the best choices available to them based on the information they have."

I encourage my clients to heal the relationships with their family members. I notice that when we don't, we manage to create those members in the people around us, in our friends and work environment. We carry, according to Burt Hellinger, our Family Mind around in us and create it in our lives. We can have richer fuller lives when we heal those relationships and forgive (truly forgive) the past.

I feel blessed that I have a relationship with my mom. She is great person and has done a lot of good in her life. She is not the perfect mother nor the kind of mother that I would have chosen for myself had I gotten the choice. But she is one the I was born to. Whatever my perception of what she did to me when I was growing up has been changed through the miracle of NLP and other spiritual models. I am blessed that I still have her. Many of my friends do not. I'm glad that I am able to connect with her before she passes on. My favorite Irish poet, Merritt Malloy, once said, "Relationships that don't heal peacefully, don't end at all." Being angry or upset about what we think our mothers did to us only hurts us. Think about that as you approach Mothers' Day.

Be Informed

A couple of weeks ago, a TV program called The Mentalist offered a story that supposedly depicted what NLP was. What garbage! For anyone who watched it and is not familiar with what NLP really is, I am very sorry.

NLP is a set of tools that helps a person get from a "present" state to a "desired" state. It is one of the fastest instruments for emotional change. In the last 30 years, it has helped millions of people world wide heal traumas, phobias, change limiting, debilitating beliefs, heal illnesses, deal effectively with people and helped them live happier, balanced lives. Nowhere in the 20 years of NLP training with the most esteemed NLP trainers (many of whom started out as therapists) did anyone mention programming other people to do things against their will. (And if there happens to be a trainer out there that is, it is a very DISTORTED model of NLP)

The study of NLP allows a person to become aware of their own patterns of thinking and behavior and how they get the results in their life and gives them the ability to change them. It came out of studying what highly effective people do and developed a methodology for modeling excellence in human behavior, communication and learning.

Where some models of change will give people awareness of what is wrong, NLP is outcome based. In other words, a person must have a clear outcome before engaging the model. As far as building trust and rapport, we, as humans, all have the ability to match others and do it often. Ultimately the use of NLP widens our internal maps of reality and helps us develop creativity and behavioral flexibility. I've never understood how helping someone get what they want, takes away their humanity. I have developed more trust and tolerance and understanding of all human beings and their behavior. Who in the world doesn't need that right now.?

The entire program was defaming to all of us who are teaching others to get along better with others, heal past hurts, and become better at what they are doing in business and life.

Ten Things Customers Don't Want to Hear, and What to Say Instead By Bill Lampton, Ph.D.

Think back to recent conversations you had while you were shopping. Unfortunately, chances are very good that sales people who talked with you about their product or service used language that either surprised you, bothered you slightly, or infuriated you so much that you vowed not to do business with them again.
Now, think about the words you and those you work with use when you talk with current and potential customers. What are you saying that offends buyers? What should you be saying?

Here are ten of the most common language blunders, with the comments you and your people should be making instead:

ONE: I'm surprised you haven't heard about our product.
Why that's wrong: Sounds condescending, arrogant, and insulting, implying that the prospect is ignorant.
Better statement: Since you said our product is unfamiliar to you, I'll take a couple of minutes todescribe it and answer your questions.

TWO: That's not my job.
Why that's wrong: Not only do you avoid handling a customer's problem yourself, you offer no solution from anyone.
Better statement: I know just the person who can help you with that problem, and I'll introduce you to her.

THREE: Sorry, it's closing time, so I can't talk with you now.
Why that's wrong: Indicates that you work by the clock, not by commitment to customer needs.
Better statement: As you can see, the store is closing now, but I will be glad to stay around a few minutes until we meet your need.

FOUR: To schedule delivery, let me see when I'm going to be in your neighborhood next week.
Why that's wrong: Shows that you have your convenience as the decisive factor in scheduling, not the customer's convenience.
Better statement: Yes, we can deliver this to you next week. What day and time will suit you best?

FIVE: You're the first person who has complained about our service.
Why that's wrong: Implies that the customer is a grouch and troublemaker, and that your company could not possibly be wrong.
Better statement: Even though we hear plenty of compliments about our service, we know there's always room for improvement, so I'm grateful that you reported this problem.

SIX: Tell me your name again, and what the problem is.
Why that's wrong: Shows that you didn't listen carefully, and this will infuriate a person who is dissatisfied already.
Better statement: Mr. Adams, as I understood you, your car's air conditioning isn't cooling adequately. Right?

SEVEN: If you buy this item, you'll help me meet my sales quota for the month.
Why that's wrong: Makes you sound only marginally successful, and reflects that you are using the customer instead of becoming useful for the buyer.
Better statement: This item has been quite popular this month, and we are hearing good reports from customers who have installed it.

EIGHT: Walk through that door over there, turn left, take the escalator, and you'll be on the floor where we accept returned merchandize.
Why that's wrong: Many people get confused about directions, and if the customer gets lost, you are adding to her frustration.
Better statement: Let me tell my manager that I am going to take you to the clerk who can assist you with this returned merchandize.

NINE: Gosh, I barely got here-had to drop my dog at the vet, traffic was terrible, and I've got this awful headache.
Why that's wrong: Customers aren't interested in your problems, because they are depending on you to solve their problems.
Better statement: Good morning, I'm glad to meet you.

TEN: That's against our policy.
Why that's wrong: Customers don't want to deal with inflexible bureaucrats, but with sales people who care enough to adjust to unmet needs.
Better statement: While regulations seem to indicate we can't do this, I believe we can find a way to meet your needs.

A closing suggestion: Take this list to your next staff or employee meeting. Use the list as a springboard for discussion. Challenge your group to identify other offensive statements, and agree on suitable replacements. Your customers will welcome the refreshingly new climate of courtesy and consideration that permeates your work force.

Bill Lampton, Ph.D.--author of The Complete Communicator: Change Your Communication, Change Your Life!--helps you "Learn More. . .Earn More," through his expertise in communication, motivation, customer service, and sales. His speeches, seminars, and communication coaching have benefited top-tier clients, including the Ritz-Carlton Cancun, Gillette, Duracell, Procter & Gamble, Missouri Bar, CenturyTel, British Columbia Legal Management Association, and the Environmental Protection Agency.
Visit his web site to sign up for his complimentary monthly E-mail newsletter. Call Dr. Lampton to discuss how his services will benefit your organization: 678-316-4300. E-mail him: drbill@ChampionshipCommunication.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Change and business during economic challenges

According to Max DePree in LEADERSHIP JAZZ, there are two attitudes that will "guide us into constructive responses to change."

1. Change or the person who leads us into change is not the enemy. Abraham Lincoln did not become a leader by justifying the prevailing beliefs but by changing those beliefs. Beware of people who make change a cause for failure.
2. Become a frantic learner. Change will leave us in the past as the people who predicted the failure of the automobile. Learning is worthwhile and meaningful in itself. Leaders respond to change by learning something. The eager, frantic learners in life find actual joy in the process of change.

Find ways to learn and change your business and how you attract customers. Whatever worked in the past may or may not work now. What is happening now is a great opportunity to find other ways that things work.

Some things to learn or remember:

During economic downturns, the number of people looking for business or jobs increases.

1. Face to Face networking is a great way to find contacts. However, realize that many people in, for example, BNI groups, have built relationships over sometimes years. Face to face networking is about building relationships. Business may come later. Still those meetings can be great way to build contacts.
2. Never be desperate. People can sense "desperate" energy. It makes you and your service less desirable. People are looking for a sense of security. Provide it.
3. Increase the number of people you contact and do superb follow up. The average sale happens after 7 contacts with an individual or company. Most sales people give up after 2 contacts. It certainly is easier when the money is flowing. When the money is tighter, you have to be creative and diligent when searching for customers.
4. Write a description of your perfect customer and share that with other business professionals.
5. You may have to make deals, but do not devalue your product or service.
6. Provide exceptional service period. People will remember it.
7. Keep contacting people and call them. I'm finding that people are stressed and are not checking their emails as much. Plus, email is not reliable.

Recommended reading:

E-Myth Revisted; Leadership Jazz; Attracting Perfect Customers

A New Year

This is a poem that was written by Lois Wyse in the 1970's.

PRAYER FOR A NEW YEAR

Instead of anger
Let me feel
Compassion

Instead of rage
Let me show
Concern

Instead of hate
Let me seek
Change.

For if
To a warring, wondering world
Each of us will bring

Compassion
Concern
Change,

Then perhaps there will be

Love.