Langguage as Support or Barrier of Success

Humans are like fish in water when it comes to language.We think in words, we talk in words, we listen to words. Words are all around us, in us. We use words to express our joy, anger, fear, happiness, grief, frustration and annoyances. Yet because we are like fish in water, we are not aware of how words affect us; how changing the simplest communication can change a world, ours or someone else’s. How we express ourselves determines our success or failure with goals, relationships, careers, even happiness. The words we use with ourselves determine our attitudes, moods and health.

I hear mistakes in people’s communication all day long. Those mistakes often lead to a failure or misunderstanding one has of a situation or another person. Here are some examples:

1. The word: Don’t. The brain doesn’t process the word “don’t.” If I say “Don’t think of a pink elephant or a yellow Volkswagen,” what do you think of? Don’t hesitate; don’t miss this opportunity; don’t misunderstand; don’t wait; don’t go now; don’t forget. What are you actually saying to others when you use “don’t?” You are telling them to do exactly what you don’t want them to do. Instead, use: Take advantage of; remember; stay longer; please understand; take action; get going now.

2. The word: Hope. Hope is an interesting word. It is not that there is anything wrong with it; it is just misused. When Hope is used it creates two pictures inside the brain, one of a positive outcome and one of a negative outcome. Both pictures have equal weight. So hope introduces or promotes doubt. A better word would be “anticipate;” unless of course, hope is the best you can do in a situation. There is a big difference between saying you hope something happens and you anticipate something happens. When working with goals and outcomes use “anticipate.”

3. The word: Try. “Try” presupposes failure. “Try” is only an attempt, not success. Use “can.”

4. The word: Lost: For things you cannot find, use “misplaced.” You misplace files, keys, documents, etc. We lose loved ones when they die. Lost means gone forever.

5. The word: Stuff: I am amazed how even some of the most complex thinkers will use this word to describe items. “I’ll show you my stuff.” What is “stuff?” Instead, use specific language to describe what you are talking about: your car, your creative products, your photos, etc.

6. The word: Everybody. Use “some people” or “most.” “Everybody” is a universal statement that seldom describes all people in a situation.

7. The word: Hate. Use “dislike.” Hate is a strong emotional word. It is said to be the language of cancer.

8. The word: Depressed. Some people go around and tell themselves they are depressed and wonder why they are depressed. Depressed is a depressing word. Ask yourself, “What do I need to be happy or to change my situation?” By asking simple questions of yourself, you send your thinking in another direction. All you need to do is ask. Knowing the answer is not required. The answer will come to you if you keep asking the question.

9. The phrase: I’m afraid of heights. No, you are afraid of falling. Heights are heights. Being afraid of falling is natural. Some say we are born with it. In fact in one research study researchers took a baby around six months old and placed it on a large see-through movable floor. As the floor rose from the background, the baby began to show signs of stress as they perceived the difference between where they were and where the ground was. The fear of falling makes us pay attention to our surroundings so we remain safe. Caution is a good thing when we are high above the ground. When you feel the fear, pay attention, be present and be careful.

10. The phrase: I’m afraid of flying. No, you are afraid of crashing. When you consider the fact that over 1,800 planes fly into and out of Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport a DAY, the chances of anything happening are slim. In fact, most people will not even know someone who was in a plane crash. I knew a guy who was in three crashes and survived all of them. The real fear is of crashing not of flying. Flying is what you want the plane to do.

11. The phrase: I have a fear of failure. Often this masks as a fear of success. People tell me they have a fear of failure so they won’t take any risks or action to create success. Therefore they must actually be afraid of success. They are already failing. How can they be afraid of something that is already happening? People who have true fears of failing do everything they possibly can to avoid failure, which makes them successful.

12. The phrase: It kills me, or It is killing me. Really? Usually people use this phrase to refer to some difficult but not impossible situation. It (whatever ‘it’ is) isn’t really killing you. It may frustrate you; but it isn’t killing you.

13. The phrase: Lose weight. This is related to the word “lost.” Weight and Wait are phonological ambiguities. In other words, they sound the same even though they mean different things. Are you saying you want to ‘lose weight’ (which ambiguous in and of itself) or are you saying you want to ‘lose WAIT?’ When you set a health goal such as this, use specifics: I want to be a size____. The brain responds to numbers. It knows exactly what you are talking about.

14. Motivate versus Inspire: For me motivate sounds like the "motivate" is an unwilling participant; whereas “inspire” is a richer word which harnesses the willingness of the other person to joyously participate.

15. Criticism versus Feedback: When positioning information as feedback, a person is more likely to take it in and consider it. When framed as criticism, a harsher word, not so much. You are likely to get resistance or be resistant.

16. Hard versus Challenging: “Hard” makes something almost impossible to achieve; “challenging” makes it possible given the right strategies for accomplishing your goal.

17. Stupid versus Interesting:“Stupid” is an assessment of intelligence, which may or may not apply. “Interesting” is much less harsh and removes the harshness of the judgment. You might even use “Curious” instead. Do this for a week. Notice what it does for your state management.

A few other tips on words:

There are Assertions and Assessments.

Assessments belong to the observer. They are subjective and can be called into question: “Mary is tall.”

Assertions are about the observed. “Mary is 5’10’ tall.” They are facts and are verifiable.

Use assertions when possible. They are more credible.

Here is a little exercise to help you understand your own language:

Listen for consistent language patterns or words you use, especially when you are frustrated or angry. Once you have the words, begin changing them to softer versions. Look for other words with more positive connotations. Notice how your ability to deal with situations changes through time.
Language is the mirror of the mind. Your language reflects your inner thoughts and organization of thinking. Language and thought cannot be separated. Change your language and you will change life. Be aware though. Being educated in language will help you change your language to help you get what you want in life.

Delusions

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately – everything from what qualities and criteria create healthy relationships to gasoline prices. Picture this – Snoopy, laying on top on this dog house, head lifted to signify discomfort. He says: “I’ve been tense lately.” He sits: “I find myself worrying about everything…Take the earth, for instance.” He flops over on his belly and looks over the top of the doghouse as he clings to the roof with his paws. “Here we all are clinging helplessly to this globe that is hurling through space… He lays back down on the top of the roof, ears flopping over the sides. “ What if the wings fall off?”
There are many things we can focus our attention on. Choosing what we focus on will determine the type of experience we have as we move through difficult times. It is my fervent belief that if we all just focused on getting on our own life in order that the world would heal itself. That does not exclude helping others, of course. (Although helping others as a form of avoidance of dealing with our own problems ends up not serving anyone. We will tend to serve others through our own “need” filters rather than giving them what they truly need in reality.)

So here are three examples:

Delusion no. 1 –“ My financial problems will be solved if I just have MORE money”. Marilou Seavey and I (and Chris and Tim Hallbom, the originators of the Money Clinic) have been involved in this class since 1999. I’ve have sponsored that class no less than 8 times here in Dallas. Participants in the class with few exceptions have SIGNIFICANT INCREASES IN MONEY. I have experienced this also. Since my first Money Clinic, my income has increased consistently well into the 6-figure mark. We have found the money increases to be remarkable yet many have not experienced the benefits that come from having more money. A person can have all the money they want and still not experience abundance if they cannot manage what they have. Money management is a skill. It is not something you can do a belief change and “wha la” instant understanding and greater wealth. Money management means you know where your money goes, you save, you budget, you track your expenses for personal and business (if you work for yourself) and you don’t spend what you don’t have. It’s work! This also means you don’t lie to yourself that this one $15.00 shirt won’t count or you really need that vacation. One exception I make with this is your own personal growth. Ben Franklin said, “If you take the coins from your pocket and fill your mind, your mind will fill your pocket with coins”. In my experience, the money that I have spent on personal growth (skill based) has been to my benefit and it has always provided an increase in income. It is interesting to me that people will not have the money or time to improve their skills so that they can deal more effectively with themselves and the world but will have the money and time for a vacation. When they get back from the vacation, their problems are still there. Now they have more debt on top of it. Learn to manage what you have. More will not solve the problem without effective management skills. One other thought on classes…when I take a class I put everything into it. I want and will get my money’s worth and develop a well-formed outcome so that I’m clear about what I want.
Delusion no. 2 – My relationship problems are because I keep choosing the wrong person (if you are single) or my relationship problems are caused by my spouse (if you are married). The book I recommend to everyone who wants a healthy relationship or is currently in a relationship period is CONSCIOUS LOVING by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. A great NLP book is SOLUTIONS by Leslie Cameron Bandler. The only way to change your experience in your relationships is to be a different person. From childhood we model relationships and how to do them from our parents, teachers, older siblings. Our past comes back over and over, like Ground Hog Day (the movie). Unless you change what you are doing and, more important WHO YOU ARE in the relationship, you’ll keep having the same experience. NLP offers significant change skills to effect the deep structure changes necessary to truly be a different person. First is the recognition that you are THE CREATOR. Next is healing the past traumas that support the unhealthy experiences. Then do the “changework” at all of the logical levels – your identity, beliefs, skills (yes, relationships need skills: communication, language, rapport, negotiation, self awareness, consciousness, understanding, clear outcomes), behaviors, and environment.
Finally, develop your relationship skills (there’s that word again). Clue, your parents provide good feedback as to what you might be doing unconsciously to sabotage your relationships. If one of your highest values is freedom and you keep trying to create relationships that take it away, your unconscious beliefs will over ride and your behavior will sabotage the relationship. Knowing and honoring your own values will support your outcomes and you’ll find the other person will honor them as well. But don’t be surprised it you attract someone who want a lot of freedom also. You have to do it first; it won’t come from the other person. In SOLUTIONS, Leslie talks about the stages of a relationship. It’s call the Threshold Pattern: Attraction to Appreciation to Habituation to Expectation to Disappointment/Disillusionment to Threshold Reached/Perceptual reorientation to Verification to Relationship Terminated. When a relationship starts to fall apart it’s not because the person we’re with changes, it’s because OUR perceptual filters change. The person is still the same; we just filter them differently. And we project negative characteristics into them that may not even be there.
Part of the Relationship lie is that the divorce rate is 75%. That is the overall statistical average including all of marriages that end after 3-4 months. If you break it down by group, the statistic is much better. If you are in the group that is over 35, college educated, and make over $50,000 combined income, the chances are very good that you will stay married and work things out. I got a laugh out of Mike Stammer’s, a sales consultant for CEO’s, philosophy on maintaining a long marriage. He says, “Live a long time, commit to staying married, marry a saint.” That probably works, too.
Delusion no. 3 –“I can have cheesecake this one time and still lose weight.” This is a part of a larger lie: “I can have the healthy body I want by doing what I’ve done in the past to create the unhealthy overweight body.” I’ve worked with many people on “weight issues.” Here is the secret: you must exercise every day and eat less calories than you burn. Maintaining a healthy weight is a daily outcome. There are hundreds of books on the market about weight control. Pick one. They all work. You just have to follow it. Health achievement and maintenance is highly procedural. Those of you who have studied “Meta Programs” or the LAB Profile know the difference between Options and Procedures. The procedure you must follow is: You become conscious about what you eat; you avoid foods that make you fat (fried foods, sugar); you exercise to get your heart rate up AND YOU DO IT EVERY DAY.
Most people have the goal of losing weight; not to maintain the loss. When being healthy is a life style, an identity, the behaviors will follow. I am a thin person, I eat like a thin person, I exercise like a thin person, I think like a thin person. Eating well and exercise is a priority with me. It has been all of my life. The scenario might go like this: So you gained 5 pounds over the summer. How did that happen? Well, chances are you didn’t exercise as consistently as you usually do – you missed some work outs every week on a consistent basis and you ate things you don’t normally eat – high fat restaurant food, prepared meals instead of cooking at home, starches such as French fries and white bread and butter. You didn’t eat these things every day but they were ingested often enough to combine with the missed workouts to add five pounds. You told yourself it didn’t matter AND IT DOES. ANY BEHAVIOR THAT YOU DO CONSISTENTLY WILL RESULT IN AN OUTCOME. …just one more donut, piece of pizza, fast food hamburger. Over time it adds up and so do the pounds. It is like putting a frog in cold water and turning up the heat. The frog doesn’t realize it’s being cooked until it is too late. --- a grizzly metaphor that is true for many experiences that catch up with us. We fall asleep, we tell ourselves a bunch of lies and then we wake up to results that are miserable and create a crisis – another case for clear outcome thinking.
Well, that’s three of them. My mission is to help you make a difference in your own life!

Keys to Successful Relationships

There is probably more written and spoken about relationships than any other subject.  For 24 years I’ve been listening to people complain about other people and helping them resolve their issues by taking personal responsibility for their part in what is going on.  When we have difficulty dealing with someone, whether they are business or personal, it can seem to make other areas of our lives difficult also.  It is the ol’ ‘why can’t they see it my way’ or if they would just go away my life would be perfect’ or ‘if they would just do what I say, my life would be perfect’  that truly creates unhappiness for us.

So far in my experience, it just doesn’t seem to work out that way.  People do not always do what we want them to do or say what we want them to say or see it from my perspective.  It makes life seem challenging sometimes.  So the more skill we have in managing ourselves and others, the less challenging it will be.  Here are some ideas to help make things go a little easier.

Relationship Paradigms:

1.       All (and I do mean all) relationships will become turbulent off and on, as people’s needs and wants change.  We all have a threshold we reach where we need a major change.  It will cause turbulence in people, organizations and relationships.

2.       People are dynamic.  They change.  A mechanical engineer can figure out how to make a machine work. People are harder to figure out.  There are plenty of models available to help people figure out people but it is easier to bet on what horse will win than what a person will do in a given situation.  We can get to know someone and then they’ll surprise us by doing something different.  What was ok at one point now becomes not ok.  People do change and they handle stress differently. 

3.       How we handle stress will determine how we handle relationships.  How skilled we are will determine how we are able to handle the ups and downs of dealing with people.

Two Scenarios:

1.       Person A has been in a monogamous relationship for more than one year.  She/he makes decisions and commitments without discussing it with the other person.  Whenever the other person wants to do something with a friend or family, the person gets jealous and makes an issue of it, feels slighted and unloved.  She/he sits around and wonders if the other person is doing things behind their back.  Whenever there is an argument, it descends into name calling.  Overtime there is a buildup of resentment and anger.  She/he doesn’t address issues at the time but lets them fester until a threshold is reach and then brings up every issue and transgression over a period of time.  This creates confusion with their partner because their partner thinks that everything is ok. Then the partner is blind-sided with a litany of wrong doing.  (This is what Eric Bern called “Stamp Collecting).  Person A is needy and constantly needs to have validation that everything is ok.  They dream of the future and how it is going to be when they are married with a perfect life while ignoring the problems in the present.  Because once they are married all of their problems will go away.   They aren’t really sure what boundaries are. They insist that something be done about righting a violated boundary and move boundaries when convenient.  They don’t speak about boundaries because they want to be loved. They have no problem ignoring the other person’s boundaries. They become offended and blame the other person for problems. They decide what is good for the other person and gives the other person what Person A thinks their partner wants and needs without asking.

2.       Person B has also been in a monogamous relationship for more than one year.  She/he brings up topics of conversation on a consistent basis. She/he often talks about what goes on during the day when they are apart to stay connected.  She/he never engages in name calling but rather addresses issues on a behavioral level and avoids using identity phrases when talking about something they do not like in the other person’s behavior.  When faced with conflicts, they talk about their opinions in an open manner.  She/he looks at the other side of the conflict with an open mind from the other person’s point of view.  They find the humor in many situations and work together to find solutions to problems.  She/he spends time in the present and enjoys the company and everyday activities as a couple.  She/he doesn’t think about the future and won’t until both of them are ready to take another step.  She/he is not afraid to ask for what they want and is ok if they don’t get it.  They look at the relationship as an ongoing process.  They deal with ups and downs as part of that process and take each thing as it comes.  They are encouraging and supportive of the other person’s needs and wants.   They know that they other person has interests outside of the relationship and support that person pursuing them because it is good for the relationship as well as the person.   They are flexible and open when plans change.  They also occasionally do things with their partner that they aren’t interested because it is important to their partner.  They have clear stated boundaries and will talk about any violations immediately. They aren’t thinking about marriage.  They are working on the relationship in the present. When there are problems, she/he looks to themselves and how they might be contributing.

Who do you think is happier?  Who do you think will continue to grow their relationship?

The Keys:

1.       Perceptual positions: to me the biggest enhancer of good relationships.  See the other person’s point of view without prejudice.  See the whole situation from detached observer point of view.

2.       Have clear external and internal energetic boundaries.  Verbalize those boundaries and gently remind the other person if they are violated.

3.       Own your own feelings and your part in a problem.  Being honest with yourself.

4.       Communicate to stay connected.  Share day to day events with your partner.  Allow a two way conversation.  Conversation should have balance like a tennis match.

5.       From my dad: give the person freedom to be and do what interests them.  You may have thing you enjoy in common.  Having interests outside of a marriage or relationship keeps people engaged and engagable.

6.       Support the other person’s interests.

7.       Live in the present.  I’ve seen too many relationships end because one or both persons were thinking about what it was going to be like in the future and where it was going rather than making deposits for that future in the present.  We only have today.  It is good to have goals for ourselves and short term goals for the relationship, i.e. a trip.  When we live in the future, we aren’t paying attention to what is going on in the present and we miss evidence which might lead us to different decisions.

8.       Compromise and compassion.

9.       Be present and listen.

 

NLP offers some of the best relationship tools I’ve ever come across.  Being Person B takes skill and practice if you don’t already do those things.  Happiness is not an accident.  It takes awareness and good decision making and skills.  Good relationships start with having a good relationship with yourself.  Only then can a person be happy and satisfied in relationships.

Achieving New Year’s Resolutions are easy if you know the secret.

Not everyone sets New Year’s resolutions. And even if you did, by now, you have probably given up on them.  I think it is because after setting so many of them and not achieving them, they come to the conclusion that: 1.     They cannot achieve them – it’s impossible 2.     They really don’t want to achieve them – it would be nice but the pain of achieving them far outstrips the pleasure of having the success 3.     It takes too much energy 4.     They are too busy with other things after the first of the year 5.     They set too many of them and get lost and confused about what they should tackle first and give up on all of them This article addresses two aspects of achieving New Year’s resolutions: 1.     How to set them so that you’ll achieve them 2.     What to do when you cannot seem to get motivated to even set them or make a change. Part 1: The New Year is a traditional time to set goals and make changes.   Many of those changes involve stopping habits or starting habits or changing them.  For example: 1.     Start an exercise program; increase exercise 2.     Eat healthy food: involves usually stopping eating high fat, low nutrition food, start eating low fat nutritional foods 3.     Be a better parent 4.     Lose weight – slim down 5.     Spend more time with family 6.     Take more time off 7.     Work more 8.     Smile more; laugh more 9.     And a myriad of other ideas that are gone by February Let’s explore the nature of resolutions versus goals.  Goals are measureable and time specific.  They are tangible.  Often resolutions have tangible results but are not specified and therefore, are not connected to anything tangible or of value.  It is easy to set goals: 1.     Make $250,000 by Dec. 2013 2.     Take a vacation to France for July vacation 3.     Learn to fly a plane and have logged _____flight hours by June 2013 4.     Add 20 new customers by August 2013 while maintaining present customer base.  Or have a customer base of 350 customers by May 2013. Understanding the difference between goals and resolutions will help you be more successful at both.  Consider the difference between a resolution passed by Congress and a bill signed into law.  A resolution is often a statement of opinion or expression of public policy.  It is not a law.  A law is something that must be followed.  This is what happens with our own personal resolutions.  They become a matter of ‘this would be nice’ rather than a goal which is ‘what I am going to achieve.’  So we put more thought into a goal and set resolutions, which you might as well start with “In my opinion….. I want to lose weight.  Understand the difference? Part 2: Here is a way to make those resolutions goals and very achievable. 1.      Decide what your year theme is going to be.  i.e. self improvement, save money, pay off debt, physical health improvement, housing improvement, job improvement 2.      Then set goals: a.      Specifically what do you want, how much, how often, etc.? b.      What will it do for you? – attach it to a value – peace, security, recognition, health, love, wisdom, spiritual connection c.      What will it be like when you get it – see, hear, and feel? d.      What are the downsides to having it? e.      What will you gain? f.       Is it worthwhile and ok if I get it; Do I deserve it? g.      What do I have and need that will help me get it? h.      What are three action steps I will take to get it? 3.      Now set resolutions – set two or three – no more – and have them coincide with your year theme. 4.      Repeat the steps for goals. When you set resolutions, use the same process as goals setting – make sure that it is something you REALLY want, will commit to, connected to something you value, and demonstrated in see, hear, feel.  People fail to realize that resolutions are experiences.  In other words, you want a particular experience in your life – more love, better communication, be healthier.  These are not always measurable by standard means.  Therefore, use the Achievable Outcome process, which is excellent for both goals and experience.  For example: Here is how you might answer the questions from above: I want to have and set better boundaries this year.  (This is too vague) I will be happier and more peaceful when I do this I will see myself smile when I say ‘no’ to something I do not want to do, or I will act clear and decisively, take responsibility for my own feelings……etc.   I will hear myself say, “Yes!  I was clear and was understood.”  I feel good about myself and safe. The downside is that I may lose a friend or upset someone The upside is that I will feel confident and free and get more of what I want in life It is worthwhile for my mental and emotional health I have the ability to say no.  I need help getting the guts to say it.  I need confidence in myself What I will do is: a.    Read a book on boundaries b.    Take a class or work with a professional on boundaries c.      I will talk to a person I have problems with to help them understand the changes I am wanting to make Now the mind, your great manifestation tool, has specifics it can work with.  DETAILS are the difference between success and failure in any endeavor. Setting resolutions and achieving them are as easy setting goals.  Use the above set of questions for both.  Set a few or one resolution(s) that you can COMMIT to.  Have a great year!