Mother's Day is approaching. I'm gathering recent pictures of the family from kids to great grandchildren - my mom has 4 now - and 6 grandchildren. I'm putting them in a little album to send to her instead of send another card or flowers. She doesn't want "stuff." She has enough stuff and at 84 she is try to get rid of stuff. When I told her yesterday that I would send a card, she said it wasn't necessary. She had saved all the cards that I've sent her over the years. That has to be close to 30 cards. She would take on out and read it again.
My mom is a very simple person. She doesn't want fluff or flower, candles or perfume. She loves cards and calls. That is why I thought the album would be perfect. We'll see.
When I was growing up, we didn't get along very well. In fact, she said that when I was born that I wouldn't even drink her milk. I must have realized instantly that I had made mistake being born to this woman. but I couldn't go back. The die was cast. I left home when I was 18 and never went back. Even during tough years as a young adult I would ignore her plea to move home and let her take care of me. (She is a Level 1 caretaker to the point of co-dependence.) But I didn't. I let her send me money from time to time because it made her feel good. She never wanted anything in return. My sister has stopped talking to her because she does not have the skills to understand our mother and not get hooked into her drama. My mother still sends her money. She thinks my sister has had a hard life, which she has. Much harder than mine.
I never appreciated my mother and what she stood for until years later when I was in my mid-forties. It took a lot of work using therapy, NLP processes, developing understanding and skills with which to deal with her. I realized that what ever she did or said, it wasn't personal. She is coming from her point of view.
NLP has taught me a lot about how to have relationships with difficult people, especially those people in our lives to whom we are related. We often expect them to behave in certain ways because they are family, yet we don't expect our friends to behave in the same ways. Somehow we hold our families to a higher standard and maybe we should. But after all, they are just people like everyone else.
At some point in my life, I began to appreciate my mother even though she has her problems and when I did that every thing between us changed. I began seeing what she brings to the table. After all, she is one of the only people in my life twho loves me unconditionally. I know that not all moms do that or that is the report. I'm wondering if those people who think their mother is the enemy could see their mothers with positive intent. Everything we do has positive intent, why not our mothers and other family members also. Remember the NLP presupposition, "People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting" and "All behavior has positive intent" and "People make the best choices available to them based on the information they have."
I encourage my clients to heal the relationships with their family members. I notice that when we don't, we manage to create those members in the people around us, in our friends and work environment. We carry, according to Burt Hellinger, our Family Mind around in us and create it in our lives. We can have richer fuller lives when we heal those relationships and forgive (truly forgive) the past.
I feel blessed that I have a relationship with my mom. She is great person and has done a lot of good in her life. She is not the perfect mother nor the kind of mother that I would have chosen for myself had I gotten the choice. But she is one the I was born to. Whatever my perception of what she did to me when I was growing up has been changed through the miracle of NLP and other spiritual models. I am blessed that I still have her. Many of my friends do not. I'm glad that I am able to connect with her before she passes on. My favorite Irish poet, Merritt Malloy, once said, "Relationships that don't heal peacefully, don't end at all." Being angry or upset about what we think our mothers did to us only hurts us. Think about that as you approach Mothers' Day.
My mom is a very simple person. She doesn't want fluff or flower, candles or perfume. She loves cards and calls. That is why I thought the album would be perfect. We'll see.
When I was growing up, we didn't get along very well. In fact, she said that when I was born that I wouldn't even drink her milk. I must have realized instantly that I had made mistake being born to this woman. but I couldn't go back. The die was cast. I left home when I was 18 and never went back. Even during tough years as a young adult I would ignore her plea to move home and let her take care of me. (She is a Level 1 caretaker to the point of co-dependence.) But I didn't. I let her send me money from time to time because it made her feel good. She never wanted anything in return. My sister has stopped talking to her because she does not have the skills to understand our mother and not get hooked into her drama. My mother still sends her money. She thinks my sister has had a hard life, which she has. Much harder than mine.
I never appreciated my mother and what she stood for until years later when I was in my mid-forties. It took a lot of work using therapy, NLP processes, developing understanding and skills with which to deal with her. I realized that what ever she did or said, it wasn't personal. She is coming from her point of view.
NLP has taught me a lot about how to have relationships with difficult people, especially those people in our lives to whom we are related. We often expect them to behave in certain ways because they are family, yet we don't expect our friends to behave in the same ways. Somehow we hold our families to a higher standard and maybe we should. But after all, they are just people like everyone else.
At some point in my life, I began to appreciate my mother even though she has her problems and when I did that every thing between us changed. I began seeing what she brings to the table. After all, she is one of the only people in my life twho loves me unconditionally. I know that not all moms do that or that is the report. I'm wondering if those people who think their mother is the enemy could see their mothers with positive intent. Everything we do has positive intent, why not our mothers and other family members also. Remember the NLP presupposition, "People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting" and "All behavior has positive intent" and "People make the best choices available to them based on the information they have."
I encourage my clients to heal the relationships with their family members. I notice that when we don't, we manage to create those members in the people around us, in our friends and work environment. We carry, according to Burt Hellinger, our Family Mind around in us and create it in our lives. We can have richer fuller lives when we heal those relationships and forgive (truly forgive) the past.
I feel blessed that I have a relationship with my mom. She is great person and has done a lot of good in her life. She is not the perfect mother nor the kind of mother that I would have chosen for myself had I gotten the choice. But she is one the I was born to. Whatever my perception of what she did to me when I was growing up has been changed through the miracle of NLP and other spiritual models. I am blessed that I still have her. Many of my friends do not. I'm glad that I am able to connect with her before she passes on. My favorite Irish poet, Merritt Malloy, once said, "Relationships that don't heal peacefully, don't end at all." Being angry or upset about what we think our mothers did to us only hurts us. Think about that as you approach Mothers' Day.
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