We Create the Response We are Eliciting

We create the response we are getting. This is one of the basic tenets of communication. I've worked with couples over the years. Here is some basics that I've discovered that happen when things start to go haywire between two people.

1. Each person has their own opinion of what the other person is doing and the truth is in the middle of the two sides. Neither side is the truth. It is my job as a NLP Practitioner to help the couple get clear about what they want and develop strategies to elicit that from their partners. In other words, if we want the other person to change, then we have to understand how we elicit the behavior in the other person and change what we are doing.

2. Changing what we are doing does not mean "do the opposite." Einstein said that we can't solve problems at the same level of thinking that created the problem. We have to change the thinking (and map) that created the behavior before we can do something effective. In NLP, it means to jump "neurological levels." We may need to develop a skill in order to do another behavior or change a belief or even see ourselves differently in the relationship.

3. Whatever you want in the relationship, you have to act that way. If you want commitment, you need to be committed and act committed. If you want someone to be considerate you have to be considerate. If you want this person to make time for you then you need to make time for them. Both people have needs and expectations that need to be met.

4. If you don't know how to switch perceptual positions and see the situation from an observer of the two people relating and also from the other person's view point, you will not have balanced healthy relationships. Seeing the other person's point of view and stepping out and seeing the two as an observer is a requisite skills for great communication.

5. Talking things out is great but there has to be some type of resolution or action plan that both people are going to commit to that will help change the situation. In other words, it is nobody's fault but both of you are contributing. Therefore both have to change. None of this, "you change; then I'll be happy." If you are waiting to be happy when someone changes, then you will never be happy. Your happiness is your responsibility. No one will ever fit all of your criteria.

6. If there are not enough criteria being met, respect and honor each other by getting out and moving on. Set boundaries and then keep them. I generally find that something does not work the second time for the same reasons it didn't work the first time. Everyone is different.